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E - Everyone

Undone

by Stripeslife


Note: The first half of this poem was originally intended to describe an eating disorder known as EDNOS. I can also describe more known ones, such as Anorexia and Bulimia, but that is why it doesn't sound like just Anorexia or just Bulimia. Thanks and enjoy!

A beautiful little girl,

fourteen to be exact,

doesn’t think she’s pretty

but that she’s very fat.


The pain that she goes through,

on a regular basis.

Time and time again

she thought she wouldn’t make it.


The very imperfection,

she sees with her own eyes

must be fixed,

stomach, butt, and thighs.


Perfect.

Not what she wants to be.

She wants to be there,

to be seen.


Calorie counting

has become her life.

A never ending battle.

An ongoing strife.


Day in, day out.

Eat or starve?

Binge and purge.

Eat, then barf.


Pain follows her

every single day,

so this, to distract her mind,

so she can turn away.


Now, a playful little boy,

eleven to be exact.

Little did they know,

his happiness was only an act.


Pain now and pain then.

Pain here and pain there.

Pain all the time.

Pain everywhere.


Good pain…

and bad.

He honestly felt a need,

whenever he was sad.


This was okay,

normal as can be.

All kids did this,

is what he made himself believe.


They didn’t know.

They didn’t see.

No marks or scars were left,

so just, let it be.


But gradually it got worse,

worse to say the least.

From scratching here and there,

to cutting for release.


Burn scars on his hands,

cuts on his legs.

But if you asked, he wouldn’t admit,

he was truly afraid.


To avoid pain,

that’s all they really wanted.

But even now,

they’re judged and haunted.


So remember next time you judge someone,

look behind the laughter beauty and fun,

and realize deep down inside,

they might just be coming undone.


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Thu Jul 17, 2014 2:11 pm
ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



Hey, Chips here with a review.

Well, I liked that you kept a focused narrative in your poem and utilized the title in the poem itself. I also liked how you added emotion in it so good job on that.

However there are some suggestions I'd like to make which may be of help to you.

"A beautiful little girl,

fourteen to be exact,

doesn't think she’s pretty

but that she’s very fat."

This was a nice, simple opening. The only nitpick I'd have here, is that it doesn't exactly capture the reader's attention so perhaps using imagery here or metaphors as oppose to stating the exact details directly.

"The pain that she goes through,

on a regular basis.

Time and time again

she thought she wouldn't make it."

Here, again I would use more extensive metaphors, as pain is more effective when stated how it's felt rather than describing pain. You could also include details of the pain which make her feel like giving up perhaps?

"Perfect,

not what she wants to be,

but to be there,

to be seen."

Here, instead of a comma next to "perfect", I would have included a full-stop instead. I liked this stanza as it was different to the usual desire to be "perfect".


"Day in, day out.

Eat or starve?

Binge and purge.

Eat, then barf."

I liked how you played with opposites in this stanza, and the subtle rhyming used.

As an overview: This was nicely written, just avoid falling under cliches at certain points by varying expressions.

Hope this review helped. Keep writing!

--Chippy




Stripeslife says...


Thanks so much for reviewing!



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Thu Jul 17, 2014 1:37 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello Stripeslife,

This poem brought tears to my eyes. I have almost no background knowledge on this subject, but the poem puts so much pain into it, I could feel it. I'm almost always bright and cheerful at school, truth is it's my way of dealing with everything. Pain is a little repetitive here, but then again, it is punctuating the pain they're going through.

~Kelpies.




Stripeslife says...


Thanks. That was the purpose of the poem, to make people feel and inform them that what people look or act like sometimes hides the inner struggles and scars that they hold. I'm glad you got that. :)



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Thu Jul 17, 2014 6:45 am
runawaylove wrote a review...



Hey, runawaylove here to review your poem!
First off, the whole piece is written beautifully. The narrative is perfect. The way you incorporated the feelings of the boy and the girl in one poem and did not tangle them is brilliant. The rhyme scheme works perfectly. The stanzas are short and to the point. It is remarkable how you explained the emotions like you felt them.

Now, let's get started with the nitpicks.

"Perfect,
not what she wants to be,
but to be there,
to be seen"

The third line seems a little too short to me. Maybe you could change it into "She wants to be there" or you could just keep it the way it is.

"Pain follows her
every single day,
so this, to distract her mind,
so she can turn away."

I don't really understand the last two lines of this stanza.

"Now, a playful little boy,
eleven to be exact,
little did they know,
his happiness was only an act."

Maybe there should be a full stop after exact. It will make the stanza look better.

"Burn scars on his hands,
cuts on his legs.
But if you asked, he wouldn’t admit,
he was truly afraid."

The rhyme scheme was not followed in this stanza as it was through out the poem and it kind of stands out.

These are all the nitpicks I could find. These are only suggestions. Overall the poem is amazing and it actually makes the reader connect to the message you want to give. My favourite stanza was:

"So remember next time you judge someone,
look behind the laughter beauty and fun,
and realize deep down inside,
they might just be coming undone."

This stanza is just awesome and provides a perfect ending for this poem. I hope this review was helpful. Keep writing!




Stripeslife says...


Thanks so much for reviewing! The lines you said you didn't understand meant that she had pain that she couldn't control, so she distracted her mind with food so that she could turn away from her problems. Make sense?



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Thu Jul 17, 2014 4:49 am
sabrinaz547 says...



That is so beautifully written. I really love the way you can tell you care for the subject. You can see it in your writing. Amazing job. :)




Stripeslife says...


Thanks bunches!




I think that was when I began to realize that reputation isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina