I’ve searched everywhere.
Every door, every window,
but there’s no way out.
I’m trapped.
Trapped in a cage,
consumed by fire.
Years I have lasted,
but how many more?
No one can rescue me.
I am alone.
It’s dark and it’s cold.
Every instant,
more trials are added.
Fire, black, chills,
scalding water.
There is no hope for me.
No future,
in this suffering.
No way out.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hi there!
Just here dropping a quick comment since the reviewers below me certainly already covered everything.
I wanted to say that I really loved your poem! I thought it was really straightforward to be honest, and that's a good thing because that way the reader reads exactly what they came here to read and imagine.
I think that the way you wrote your poem really makes the reader think for a minute and maybe re read it when they're done, wondering about the significance behind this and the perfect use of metaphor.
As a suggestion, I advise to maybe try dividing it up into stanzas, just so it's easier to read.
Maybe even add a verse or two somewhere in there, add more effect with more detailed descriptions
well done!!
Hey, Thewriter13 here to give a review!
) then praise and then what could be worked on. Let's get started!
So I like the simplicity of this piece. It really adds to the poem!
So I'll go through nitpicks first (few they may be
Nitpicks
So this is a bit redundant. I suggest taking out one of the "trapped' because it doesn't necessarily need to be there unless you truly want it to be there. We already know the speaker is trapped the first time
More redundancy here...you mention 'dark" and "cold" twice, so I suggest using synonyms to spice it up. Repetition can be nice to prove a point, but here the redundancy is just redundancy.
The comma doesn't need to be here, but if your purpose was for a break, I understand why you would want it here.
Praise!
So overall this poem was fairly good. I was hooked from the beginning, wondering what would happen next, why the speaker was trapped, etc. That's great! I liked the word choice, though some of it could be more elaborate.
What can be improved
So I read the poem and I enjoyed it, but I really didn't feel anything when I read it. So the speaker is trapped...how do I feel what the speaker is feeling when there's not that much emotion? I suggest going back and choosing more descriptive words. Add more description and use sensory details so that we can feel more of what you are trying to convey. Make me feel trapped to
Keep writing!
Thanks a lot! I meant for the first and third of your nitpicks to be there because or the repetition and the pause. The second one though, I can see how it can be improved. Thanks for your review!
This piece was absolutely beautiful. The metaphors you used in this displayed how the speaker feels about reality. If you are the narrator, there is a way out. You'll find it soon. Who knows, the way out might even be writing!
Nitpicks! In the second line, instead of a period, maybe try using a comma. Other than that, you did fine.
This piece portrays a feeling of imprisonment, and that is a tough topic to write about. You have set an image in my mind, and it perfectly describes imprisonment. You did very well showing this feeling through the poem's imagery and constant reminders that there is no way out. Overall, you did really well, and I hope you keep writing. I can't wait to see more from you!
Thanks for your little nitpick. I never would have noticed that (not good at grammar). I wrote this poem about a year or so ago, but I'm alright now. Thanks for the encouragement though!
Hi Stripeslife, Sherri here to review you today!
Though the poem gives you a kind of 'doomed' feeling, for some reason I felt like the poem slowly led to one of those 'light at the end of the tunnel' feelings. Very good flow, overall. Usually free verse bugs me, but it didn't.
Welcome to YWS, first of all; I love your avatar!
I really liked this poem, even though it was kind of sad. A heavy, depressing feeling, almost. Whatever the inspiration, however, poetry is a surprisingly effective way of releasing and maintaining inner emotions; I use it as an outlet to relive stress all the time.
I enjoyed--but was curious as of to why--you used 'fire', 'darkness', and 'cold' in the same line to describe a feeling. Same with 'scalding water'. I understand the feeling, personally, but I was wondering what your inspiration behind it was.
In connection to my curiosity about your word choice, you really used some good imagery!
I couldn't find any errors or anything; I just wanted to welcome you and let you know about all the goodness in this poem.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy the site; it really is one of the best, most interactive writing websites I've ever seen. My personal favorite, and the only one I like to use, actually XD Can't wait to see what else you write; hope to see you around!
-Sherri
Thanks for the review! A lot of my poetry is depressing because I usually use it to get thoughts and emotions across that I don't know how to in any other way. The reason I used all those words in the same 2 lines was to introduce the feeling where you don't know what you're feeling, you just know it's bad. Almost like numbness, only you can feel it, you just don't know what it is. Does that make sense?
Yep; that's what I figured it was, but I wanted to hear your point of view. Thanks