(Second draft! I edited a few things.)
Grown sisters walking at midday,
out on these familiar streets,
we fall into younger rhythms:
talk of things long understood,
or the comfortable silence of each other's company.
We rescue a worm from the sun,
wide-eyed, giggling,
delighted with its coolness,
and chase a toad off the asphalt
to safety in the deep green grass.
On the playground swings we fly in silence,
falling in and out of our childhood selves.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I usually never read poetry, because that's just not something I'm interested in but I liked yours. I could see myself doing those thing with a good friend of mine. It seemed that they were going back in time.
Like in the first they're teenagers and then in the second part they're little children.
I really liked this particular sentence,
because without this sentence the first two parts would be just that, two parts. But with the help of this last sentence the poem seemed to melt together.
I really loved this and I'm sorry that all I have to offer you is one of those annoying posts that have no suggestion as to how you could improve. Take it as a compliment
Hello Stripes,
,Overall I felt that the poem constructed an atmosphere reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland. That may sound strange, but granted I mean that as a complement. I really liked this line in particular,
partly because of the detailed description used for the vegetation but mostly because after writing about sunshine, worms, and a playground, the idea of "safety in the deep green grass" is quite valid for a number of reasons from shade to just a place of comfort and protection.
Best Regards,
-Elitehusky
Hi, Stripes! June here!
I thought this was cute! But, then again, everything that involves sisters is cute to me, as long as it's not about my sisters. *mean*
Anyway! Seriously, let's get down to business!
>> First impressions
• I enjoyed the feeling that this poem gave. It has a warm, close tone to it, almost as if the sisters in this piece have gone their separate
Hey there, Stripes! I saw that you'd posted this and thought I would stop in and check out your writing. I have to say that I'm pretty impressed. After reading through this once, it leaves a sweet impression, but not a candy-sweet, overpowering one. The problem is, though, that it doesn't leave a last impression, and I'm going to see what I can suggest to make it just a bit more powerful.
First of all, be sure that you choose your adjectives carefully. Poetry is kind of about conservation of words and trying to say a lot in a small space. In my opinion, the word 'tidy' does nothing for this sentence.
Comparing that adjective to this one, I find a total turn-around. This adjective adds to the meaning of the poem, by showing that even the rhythm of their walking is younger when the friends are together.
Though 'talk' can be used as a noun, I automatically read it as a verb and I'm sure others do as well. Perhaps, to stick with the parallel structure {since silence is a noun}, you might say 'words of things long understood' or 'conversation'. Something like that.
Though I enjoy the stanza this line is from for its simplicity, I also don't know that it adds too much to the poem. It's a good image, though, so I don't want to scrap it, and I'm sure you don't either. I think, however, you could insert something more meaningful in this line that keeps with the main message of the poem.
That being said, the closing stanza is beautiful. I love the image that this whole poem evokes. Though I don't have a friend I've known for that long and can't relate to it specifically, it also calls out the general spirit of an understanding friendship, and for that I'm grateful. It's nice and simple, and it won't need too much tweaking.
PM me if you have any questions about my review!
-Hannah-