Published October 5, 2008
Rainy day
The dark Halls surrounded the young 14 year old girl. The large wooden door opened allowing the light to illuminate the room.
“I’m leaving.” Vaddy called as her voice echoed through the grand hall.
“mama, papa, Ryoko?” she called, looking around the house.
“Where is everyone?” she closed the door behind her and leaped of the 3 steps from the small stairs leading up to her house. Following the stone steps into the forest cutting her house off from the rest of the city. The sun reflecting off her wing shaped amulet. Wearing her school uniform with the short sleeves, her short chin length purple hair bouncing up and down as she lightly jogged down the path. Her biggest feature her teeth, more to the point her -vampire-white-only-show-when-she-opens-her-mouth-fangs-. She sighed looking down at her amulet the only thing keeping her In the sun.
“at least it’s sunny, I don’t think I could undergo another full vampire transformation in the rain. To many headaches.” she thought to herself. Suddenly her phone began to buzz vibrating sending surprise chills down her back. Her vampire senses acting up.
“ hello.” Vaddy said holding the sleek silver phone up to her vampire pointed ear.
“Vaddy where are you? Ryuu is walking up the lane now.” her best friend Maki whimpered through the phone.”
“Ahhh, stall him I’m coming.” she yelled hanging up the cellular device. She took off sprinting through the rest of the forest only hoping she wasn’t late in seeing Ryuu she had to explain her behavior from yesterday. Her flats scraping the cracked pavement below her. Dashing up the lane she stopped out of breath in front of he friend.
“where is he, Maki?” she asked looking around not seeing Ryuu.
“I held him up as long as I could Vaddy.” Maki said
“he was in a hurry so I let him go.” she finished
“Baka,” she mumbled under her breath.
“so I was right you do have a crush on him.” she gave a smile and chuckled
“Maki,” she stammered.
“it’s not a crush you’ve got it all wrong.” she said shaking her head Maki gave her a smile and walked off.
Throughout the day Vaddy daydreamed about her last transformation. Her hair turning dark red and wings grew out of her back to match, her fangs doubled in size. Flashing back to reality when the finally bell rang. She spent most of her time staring at the white powdered walls. Turning her attention to the window rain drops crashed down on the school walk way.
“Ehhh Rain?!?” she yelled. She turned around to see everyone staring back at her. She clutched her amulet and ran out of the room. Stopping at the front of the school under the plat formed roof protected from the cold beating of the rain. Minutes passed and she thought she was the only one left in school. She had no choice she clutched her amulet and put one foot forward until BAM. Ryuu came running out the door and smacked into her. She fell into a small puddle with him beside her. Rising to his feet Ryuu looked down at her. She was sitting on her knees at the edge of the puddle rubbing the side of her stomach where she landed. She stood up and looked at him her face turned flush red, which was completely noticeable on her pale almost white porcelain skin. She amulet started glowing and she gasped “not now not in front of Ryuu.” she whimpered to herself. The dark haired boy watch as a blinding light shot from the wings around her neck. When he looked back at her she had dark red hair large wings that matched, large fangs, and red angry eye’s. “V- Vaddy?” his shocked face turned a lowly white. “Ryuu,” She began. “Run.” she muttered from her raspy voice before she completely lost control. She sprang to life, and darted toward Ryuu. He quickly dodged her, only to find she was coming at her again. He made a turn to the forest, hoping she wouldn’t catch up as fast giving him a head start.
I hope you liked the first chapter keep looking I’ll post chapter 2 soon so they might be kind of far apart.
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141,268 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Okay, first of all, amazing storyline. I think it needs a bit more development for the setting, and where Vaddy is, but other than that, you're off to a good start! As JessicaB pointed out, I think you only errors are mainly grammar and punctuation, so not much to worry about. Just review it a bit, and post the next chapter! I can't wait to read it! I think it's interesting how just as she ran into her crush...her vampire transformation occurred. I also liked how it's not typical vampire-ness. Transformations sound cool, and you aren't going with the typical vampire cliche.
Again, stupendous story! Keep writing!
-Shadepelt
Hi!
I think most of the errors are with Capitalization and Punctuation.
Read through it carefully and correct those simple things.
And more advice would be to go through the corrections that the other reviewers have put up. I read through those and they have gotten all the things I would have gotten.
-Jess
Okay, well, Anijumper got most of them, so I'll just do the rest:
This doesn't really make sense. Try starting it with, 'She stopped in front of the school...' Also, instead of 'the cold beating of the rain,' try 'the beating of the cold rain.' And there should be a comma after roof. Lastly, platformed is one word
Either start another sentence at the second 'she' or put a semi-colon in between 'choice' and 'she.' Also, if you're using a word like BAM, you really should end the sentence with an exclamation point.
I'm not really sure how you would change this one. Maybe try "She fell into a small puddle and he fell beside her."
End the sentence after 'him.' Also, you only need to have one adjective describing her skin, not three. So either 'pale,' 'white,' or 'porcelain.'
I think you mean 'Her' amulet. Period after gasped. And the dialogue should be two sentences. "Not now! Not in front of Ryuu!"
Comma after her and after hair. It would sound better if you switched the order of red and angry. Also, eyes is neither possessive nor a contraction; there's no apostrophe. And you repeated large. Try to use a different word, like extravagant or immense.
His needs to be capitalized
The period after run needs to be a comma. Change 'from her raspy voice' to either 'in a raspy voice' or 'in her raspy voice.'
You don't need the comma
'Coming at him again'
I think I know what you're trying to say here. There should be a comma before 'giving.' Or make it a new sentence. "...catch up as fast. It would give him..."
Other than that and the other mistakes that Anijumper pointed out, it's pretty good. I like the storyline. ^^
Alright, so this beginning is a little awkward. I can't figure out why she's looking for everyone and then she just leaves (I'm assuming she's leaving for school). There doesn't seem to be much description of the setting. It might be better if you start off describing the setting and the girl herself, and then moving on to the point where something is actually happening.
Fixed a typo. Also when you're in the middle of a sentence like that you should spell out numbers.
You tend to do this quite a lot in this piece-you make a verb present progressive, without a pronoun and then it doesn't quite make sense. I'd try saying “She followed” and for the next sentence, “She wore.”
I think the school uniform needs a bit more description.
Try “Her biggest feature was her teeth.” I'd try actually describing the fangs instead of stringing it out with all those dashes.
You need a comma. You might want to say “looking down at her amulet, which was the only thing keeping her in the sun.” Also, I'd try describing the amulet.
Change the period to a comma, so you can start off another sentence. I would say that “to herself” is unnecessary.
You should pick either buzz or vibrating, as you don't really need both. Also the “surprise” that you use as an adjective for “chills” could be removed, making it sound a little better. I'd try adding “were” to the second sentence here.
You do this a couple of times, but you need to capitalize the first word of a quote. I think that since you have already established that she is a vampire you can remove that adjective.
Don't need a quotation mark there.
“cellular device” is a little..awkward, for lack of a better word. I'd just use “phone.”
Period after “Ryuu” and new sentence after that.
“Scraped” I don't quite understand how she is running through the forest yet there's pavement...
Forgot the “r” in “her.” This sentence is also a little awkward, so you might want to rearrange it or add some commas.
Add a comma after “she asked” and add an “and” after “around”
Comma before “Vaddy” because it's a direct address. You might also want to describe Maki somewhere in this interaction.
You might want to explain what this means...
Make this into two sentences after “right” for more emphasis.
Start a new sentence after “crush.” Also, after “head”
You need to transition from this situation to school so the reader can follow you a bit better.
You might want to say something like “She remembered her hair turning dark red” because otherwise it doesn't really make sense
Again you use the present progressive (-ing) but it doesn't make sense. Try “She flashed back..” Make sure the reader understands that it's the end of day (or the end of the period, it's hard to tell).
I feel like this should go before the part about the bell ringing. And “powdered” is kind of a weird adjective to use here.
Try “She turned her attention to the window where rain drops...”
I'd just leave it “Rain?!?” the “Ehhh” doesn't quite make sense.
You might want to explain what she's feeling and what causes her to just run out of the room like that...
I've critiqued it all except the last paragraph. I suggest going through that yourself and applying some of things I've mentioned above. You might want to try revising your pieces a little more on your own before you post them here.
I'm sure this will come along nicely once some revising has been done. Good luck! I'll be looking out for chapter two.
Capitalize 'she'
I'd consider you to revise it. I don't exactly understand what is going on here
Comma after amulet
Ok.......so yeah, I'd just say to revise it and capitalize everything you didn't capitalize. (There's more than what I posted)
Otherwise, it seems like a pretty good start!