Published July 21, 2010
Don't you know,
My world's hardest without you?
Won't you try,
To at least give me some time,
To tell you how I feel,
Because my love is real.
And it's for you.
Please don't walk away from my heart,
Because you're the reason for my smile.
And I'd like it if you stayed for a while,
So I can tell you how I feel,
Because my love is real.
I want you by my side,
To hold me through the night.
Share this love with me.
Make this easy.
Hold my hand so tight.
We'll gaze at the stars in the sky.
Whisper in my ear,
That you feel the same for me.
Please wait patiently,
Just wait there for me.
Then we'll make it like a dream,
But in reality,
It's you and me,
All we'll ever need.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Firestarter, thank you, and you're right...it DOES sound like a song. Probably because it was, I just didn't know what to do with it, so yeah. I realized I placed it in the wrong place, and that I should have put it in the lyrics section, but that's not the way things worked out.
And, yes, I agree, it is the most important thing, just as long as that feeling isn't disgust.
AngerManagement, it's cutesy...because it's about love. It's okay if you weren't drawn in, other people were, and other people have been, but thank you.
IcePrincess, thank you very much for your review. I quite like it too.
Hey streetrat,
The biggest improvement straight away you can make to this is varying your vocabulary and creating more evocative language. It was bit, well, basic. To me, it sounded more like lyrics to a pop song than a poem. The basic rhyme scheme, the simple language. But at least this means it had a decent rhythm.
Try and branch out and write something a bit more mysterious and less straightforward next time, too.
Good luck.
Hey StreetRat,
This seems like a very well-written poem. I didn't really like the cutesy nature of the poem. I wasn't really drawn in by the poem. The characters seemed a bit flimsy, but I liked the flow. The flow was a bit destroyed by the longevity of the last line but it also added to the charm of the poem.
Keep Writing.
Anger.
Hello there, StreetRat! iceprincess here for a review!
This poem was well-written, and I quite liked it. You conveyed the emotions to the reader well, and it could make me feel something --- which, I think, is the most important thing in a poem.
Keep writing! PM me if you have any questions or if you want help with something. ;D
-Rosie =]