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140,861 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Yeah, well sometimes things aren't as they seem, JabberHut. Don't take things so literal and just enjoy it. No, it's not lyrical as in a song, but it kind of sounds like a rap if you say it all out loud because it sort of has its own beat. I didn't set my ratings for this one so that anybody can read it. But who cares if they read something with swear words in it? Music, television, the media in general, and even their families have said worse stuff around them than they have read. This site is for people ages 13-25. You really think that some 13 year-old hasn't heard the word "fuck" before? C'mon.
I loved it, i can't imagine this in song at all, but it was so vivid and everyone can relate to fighting they're demons. So well put and i was drawn in which is good because i have a terrible time focusing. (lol) I love the emotion you put into this, I can actually feel the fear as I was reading. Definitely keep writing, so relate able and I can imagine it all. Good luck.
"I know, yes I know it could very well be my greatest devastation,
the worst combination of feelings in my heart's deepest hole
that I dug with my own two hands and begged the angels to stop the demons;
to just make them leave me alone.
But they keep on fighting in this chest I got breathing, beating and bleeding,
and they call it their home."
P.S: This was my favorite part by far, so strong. Awesome.
Hello again, Street!
I'm not sure this is a song again. Maybe lyrics poetry.... But I know nothing about poetry, so who am I to judge? lol. I'll review it though based on a broader rubric!
I think this makes for a good monologue. There's certainly a strong voice which tells the story very efficiently.
Now I had a tough job trying to make a correlation between what was being said and the title. I didn't get the impression he was being chased. Rather, I got the impression he was being held back. Something was holding him down, but when someone's "at their heels," they're being chased -- and the chaser is close. But here, he felt like he couldn't move. For instance:
So there's a weight holding him down here.
It sounds like the Devil's already got him. He was never chasing the speaker in the first place!
So maybe more clarification in that regard? Explain the title more or change it. The point of the piece is buried, and I just see some awesome words with no message behind it.
The word choice is also a bit questionable, namely the swear words. (Also, I'd recommend putting an R-rating in the title or at the top of the post. This will save younger members from running into foul language!) Some words feel forced, so when you take them out, it sounds actually better than with them in. I also didn't get as much anger to back up the foul language specifically, so it seemed rather silly. Word choice can effect the emotion behind it, but emotion can also effect the language you use!
I think it's a lovely start, though. I really, really like the idea behind the piece. So just some tweaking to straighten out the piece's thoughts! Make some more sense of it for the reader to relate or understand it better.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
This is a very striking poem. The imagery is good. And those demons are good metaphors maybe. This is good to read. I really enjoyed it.