Young Writers Society

Hi Stranger!
I think this is a pretty cool poem (actually I like a lot of your poems).

I like how it switches between "i" and "you". It creates two contrasting characters we don't know much about, but just enough.

I was thinking about the title while reading this and I was thinking (sorry if this isn't what you had planned for this poem) that it's almost giving reasons for the narrator to drown, and maybe even reasons for the person the narrator us with to go drown. I'm not quite sure.

I like the style of clipped, simple sentences that state clear facts. It's different from some poetry I see, and it makes me think.

Anyway, I liked this poem a lot. I'm still thinking about it and trying to find different meanings in it. Great work!

-Falco

Hello again!

So you just wrote this.

I think this is probably a little overdone. I really like how you use "chain wallet" to indicate the sort of surfer generation and type of person that it's talking about, but I don't think you have quite enough detail in this to really make it memorable. If you went into more of that sort of thing for the later stanzas, you'd actually get a lot farther.

If you look at the difference in imagery here you can see that when you're working in the first stanza you have pretty exact things that you're talking about. They aren't just shorts, they're board shorts. It's not just a wallet, it's a chain wallet. That gives us a very exact image that we can grasp onto and keep in our pocket for later. After that you start to lose it because you don't really have anything to grasp to when you say "swim out far" how far? What sort of swim are you doing? Where's the detail that we had in the first stanza? It's not as necessary here because it's just the second stanza, but it would be nice to see you add a little more detail.

The next two need some help with the details. Beauty and Ugliness are subjective so you admire beauty, and they admire beauty unless you admire the negative aspects of people that make you want to puke, you being the speaker of course. I feel like that's probably not the case which means that both people admire beauty. Instead of saying that, describe what one person's beauty is vs the other. "You admire skinny twigs/I admire divas" and the same thing goes for the last one. It's going to do you more good to actually delve into something that they remain dignified about, than just say that they have dignity. Maybe say "You won't take a dump in the woods, I will" that sort of thing. That's going to give us a very very clear picture of what you're trying to share without the boring tone of straight up telling us.

Thank you so much for putting up with my quick reviews, if you have any questions, PLEASE TALK TO ME <3

with love
Aley

This poem in one word:

Relatable.

I love this.

Hello, Stranger; I'm here to review your work today (although it's probably meaningless since 3 other people have already reviewed this poem and most of them undoubtedly make more thoughtful and deeper reviews than I probably will. )!

First and foremost, what impresses me the most about this poem is the fact that you manage to communicate your point clearly. Although I'm pretty sure that most everyone will disagree, this poem managed to make me laugh the first time that I read it. I have no idea why - something about the MC having board shorts and not having dignity makes me laugh. Then again, I can't exactly call my sense of humor normal, and I've found some very serious things almost funny. However, the more I read this poem, the more serious and meaningful it became, and the more that, combined with the humor I found in it, it attached itself to my mind. I'm not entirely sure what Merg means when he says that this poem is pointless, because it obviously isn't. It deals with conformity and society in a creative and unique manner. Even when I saw the original version of this poem - where only the first and last stanzas were there - I felt that deep meaning. You communicate it nicely with your interesting, and thoughtful, poem. The narrator obviously doesn't like to adhere to what a society might consider a norm, and, as a result, he's largely been shunned by this said society in general. In all, in this short poem, you pack a lot of details and emotions in just a few words, which is impressive. It is an interesting poem, one whose vividness, and its humorous nature, makes it easily remembered and distinct in the eyes of the reader Thus, I like the theme and the details that run through this story.

Beyond that, there really isn't much else to say. It's a decent poem, communicated nicely, and has a good message. There's nothing that I found odd or peculiar about this poem, and I like reading it from start to finish. I feel that, unlike what Merg says, the title is entirely appropriate. It attaches to the theme nicely, and sort of embodies your creative and artsy spirit. In conclusion, I liked this poem. Nice job!

Ignore this post. I accidentally posted it. >.>

I really loved this poem. I appreciated that you want to show more than tell. I love your voice in this, I could feel the emotion you put behind it. I liked the pace you put in the poem, short to long, long to short. I personally like the title of your poem, it really makes the reader think about how it connects.
I might be wrong but it I thought you wrote the first character as someone who does not feel worthy and has no shame whilst the other character feels worthy but has shame. I loved the line "You admire beauty, I admire ugliness."
I think it parallels to how for example a guy might think his girlfriend is perfect, but his best friend may see many flaws others do not look to see. I hope you keep writing, because your voice is amazing.
I would also like to say keep doing what you are doing, do not listen to someone who wants to tear you down.

Hey, Will!

This probably won't be a super-in-depth review, but I figured I should drop something on this poem while it's still hot. I'm pretty sure you've added a little to it since the guy below me reviewed it, so let me look at it as you have it.

I actually think, overall, your title adds a nice thematic pulse to this poem. It really ties into the second stanza, too, and emphasizes the narrator's willingness to throw away their dignity in order to do these things that society might deem "cool" to do. The title brings the reader into the poem and has them make a choice—will they join in the narrator's almost nihilist attitude, or will they remain or become the "you" pointed out in the poem?

Speaking of the poem itself, while I think it could be a little more elegant, it gets its point across. It makes the reader think about it, which is a good thing, because you really don't want to have a poem that you can read once and immediately understand; if the only meaning in something exists on the surface layer, it's an opportunity lost, which is why I'm really glad to see you've capitalized on this one.

As for the structure—this is mostly what I'm talking about when I mention "elegance". As this poem is written, it's reminiscent of certain teenage-woes songs ("she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts" much?) and I think that might get in the way of relaying your message to the audience. I'm not going to say that you should make everything you write into 18th-century love poems or whatever, but you could probably stand to beef up the language and add some real punch to this poem.

While I understand what the poem is about, and I think it's really cool, it didn't have an effect on me until I read it again and started thinking about it. If you could give it a bit of that punch and effect on the first read, then you could really hook your readers into re-reading it and thinking more—as it is, you basically have it that the re-read is optional, and some people are inclined to take it only at face value.

I think some of the problem might be in the syntax—like I said, structure, Taylor Swift, that kinda thing. If you mix up how the sentences are structured, and what punctuation you use, you might not lull the reader into the short sense of "why am I even reading this, it's not saying anything" that you might have right now.

The last line in particular is disappointing. I want it to be stronger, and reading this, I think you might get a little more punch out of it if it was something less straight-forward than a simple "I don't". That resolves the climax of description in this poem, but it doesn't do the job as well as another phrase might, something like "I wish I did", perhaps.

Best of luck moving forward, and keep writing!

Hey Strange!
It's MergSword here on....I would say lovely day but it's hot out here! Anyway, here for a review.

First of all, why Stranger, why was this even written, you asked me before on one of my works why I wrote this poem, well I have the same question. Why did you make this? I don't think you should really write a pointless poem just for the sake of writing it, if it's pointless, which it is.

Let's begin with the title. You should change it. It plays no part in the poem and what the title suggests is very offensive, and the title itself isn't very fitting, even if you actually wrote about drowning, which when I clicked this poem, I thought I would see. Which makes this very misleading.

I wanna skip right to the second-er stanza? You know what dignity means right? What exactly does it have to do with the poem whatsoever. Dignity is a state of worth and importance, which makes no sense right there, and I can't connect it because I don't have a title to work with and the story, well, there's no story at all!

Overall, this poem is a big no.