P:
Folding paper like a baker
Running from fire like a painter
My dreams are impossible
They always bring me trouble
G:
You are my best,
I want always see you in front of my chest.
Happiness will come in some dates,
Don't ever be late for catching your days,
Spend your blues just like outlays.
P:
I hear noises from outside
Wolves are howling like divorced brides
Looking calmly at cyanide
Trying not to think about suicide
G:
Stop and look at my eyes,
I gave you my loves,
Put your head up above to watch doves,
I know bombs make us deaf sometimes,
After suicide, the dead give pain to some lives.
P:
They don’t even know the truth
How much lamenting I need to go through
Less is more but I want it all
Your eyes will always leave me enthralled
G:
You want to know the truth,
You should know there is no source.
Keep calm and listen to voice,
Now, you are finding toys.
P:
My heart keeps beating
The pair of lips are greeting
Sweet essence makes me crazy
All this temptation leaves me hazy
G:
Shakespeare would be proud of us,
Because he didn't even catch right bus.
My words will be explained at last,
Sometimes we want to be covered with dust.
P:
All the hate they gave boiled up inside
The little boy was riled up and crucified
He wasn’t innocent as he used to be
Untill that day came to be
G:
Pain exists either inside or outside,
Unfortunately, it doesn't have exact side.
You cannot even fly on high
Pendulum swing still act from left to right.
P:
Beauty always stems from inside
It ends up shining outside
I have my eyes set on this place
That will never end up being the case
G:
I wanted to write good end.
But God didn’t give me some ends.
I created neither good nor bad end.
I just wrote whatever you sent.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
This is an exchange between two different adults
Hm...in that case, it's a little hard to understand the difference between them and who's saying what. This is where formatting can really help. You could have one speaker on the right side to keep them separate or use italics. Giving them names might help too.
Hi there Stranger! Niteowl here for a quick review.
To start with, I do think this poem has some interesting themes about love, pain, and reality crashing with the ideals. The last stanza could be cleaned up a little grammatically, but I like the idea of wanting to write a happy ending, but that's not what you were given.
One thing that could be more clear is what P and G are supposed to mean. Are they two characters? The last stanza makes me think it could be Person and God, but the last stanza feels more like something a human would say, not something God would say. You might consider making this clearer by stating the names in the first stanzas then moving to P and G and/or using italics or indents to make it clear who's saying what.
The other major thing I notice here is the rhyming. Rhyme is one of those fickle tools. Sometimes the structure helps the flow and makes the message stronger, but often it can lead writers to focus more on the rhyme than what they're trying to say. Some of the rhymes are strong, but some aren't. I'll highlight some examples.
Okay, I like this. The meter flows well, and the comparison of wolves to divorced brides is really interesting.
This isn't bad, but it feels a little disconnected from the first couplet. Who's looking at cyanide? What does it mean to "look calmly" at something? I might use a more interesting verb here, like "I'm staring at the cyanide".
These two are examples of not-so-great rhyming. I'm not sure what "spend your blues just like outlays" is supposed to mean. I guess "outlay" is a word for payments, but I had to look it up because I've never heard it. Maybe you could use a word more explicitly related to money or currency and rework the rhyme accordingly?
As for love/dove, one of the more annoying aspects of the English language is that some of the biggest concepts that show up in poems (love, life, time) don't have a lot of perfect rhyming words. The best solution, in my opinion, is to rework the sentence that has the word so it's not at the end and you don't have to shoehorn in things like doves.
I would focus on what you want to say first and foremost. I'm a big fan of free verse, but I still think rhyme can be done well if the poet doesn't lose sight of what they're trying to say.
Overall, I would focus on the interesting ideas you have and making sure the rhyming doesn't distract from what you're trying to say. Welcome to YWS and keep writing!
First of all, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciated your points and yes, there are two characters.
EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway
First Impression
Nice rhyming you've got going on here. This is a very interesting piece of poetry.
Nitpicks & Grammar
To begin with, you missed a word right here-
you missed the word the before voice. Let me show you what I mean-
And here again you missed the word the-
the the should be placed before the word right. Let me show you-
And the word until is misspelled as untill-remember until has one l. (I used to make that very mistake XD)
Here your missing the word an-
you need the word an before the word exact like this-
Here again, is a missing word-
You need the word a before the words good end.
Style & Flow
Your style is fine.
This was an interesting read. With a little improvement, I think this will work really well.
Thank you, I will pay attention to the articles