Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

12+

Crucified adults

by Stranger, Stranger


            Crucified adults

P:

Folding paper like a baker

Running from fire like a painter

My dreams are impossible

They always bring me trouble

G:

You are my best,

I want always see you in front of my chest.

Happiness will come in some dates,

Don't ever be late for catching your days,

Spend your blues just like outlays.

P:

I hear noises from outside

Wolves are howling like divorced brides

Looking calmly at cyanide

Trying not to think about suicide

G:

Stop and look at my eyes,

I gave you my loves,

Put your head up above to watch doves,

I know bombs make us deaf sometimes,

After suicide, the dead give pain to some lives.

P:

They don’t even know the truth

How much lamenting I need to go through

Less is more but I want it all

Your eyes will always leave me enthralled

G:

You want to know the truth,

You should know there is no source.

Keep calm and listen to voice,

Now, you are finding toys.

P:

My heart keeps beating

The pair of lips are greeting

Sweet essence makes me crazy

All this temptation leaves me hazy

G:

Shakespeare would be proud of us,

Because he didn't even catch right bus.

My words will be explained at last,

Sometimes we want to be covered with dust.

P:

All the hate they gave boiled up inside

The little boy was riled up and crucified

He wasn’t innocent as he used to be

Untill that day came to be

G:

Pain exists either inside or outside,

Unfortunately, it doesn't have exact side.

You cannot even fly on high

Pendulum swing still act from left to right.

P:

Beauty always stems from inside

It ends up shining outside

I have my eyes set on this place

That will never end up being the case

G:

I wanted to write good end.

But God didn’t give me some ends.

I created neither good nor bad end.

I just wrote whatever you sent.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Oct 30, 2019 7:53 am
Stranger says...



This is an exchange between two different adults




niteowl says...


Hm...in that case, it's a little hard to understand the difference between them and who's saying what. This is where formatting can really help. You could have one speaker on the right side to keep them separate or use italics. Giving them names might help too. :)



User avatar
1210 Reviews


Points: 29861
Reviews: 1210

Donate
Tue Oct 29, 2019 4:44 pm
View Likes
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Stranger! Niteowl here for a quick review.

To start with, I do think this poem has some interesting themes about love, pain, and reality crashing with the ideals. The last stanza could be cleaned up a little grammatically, but I like the idea of wanting to write a happy ending, but that's not what you were given.

One thing that could be more clear is what P and G are supposed to mean. Are they two characters? The last stanza makes me think it could be Person and God, but the last stanza feels more like something a human would say, not something God would say. You might consider making this clearer by stating the names in the first stanzas then moving to P and G and/or using italics or indents to make it clear who's saying what.

The other major thing I notice here is the rhyming. Rhyme is one of those fickle tools. Sometimes the structure helps the flow and makes the message stronger, but often it can lead writers to focus more on the rhyme than what they're trying to say. Some of the rhymes are strong, but some aren't. I'll highlight some examples.

I hear noises from outside

Wolves are howling like divorced brides


Okay, I like this. The meter flows well, and the comparison of wolves to divorced brides is really interesting.

Looking calmly at cyanide

Trying not to think about suicide


This isn't bad, but it feels a little disconnected from the first couplet. Who's looking at cyanide? What does it mean to "look calmly" at something? I might use a more interesting verb here, like "I'm staring at the cyanide".

Don't ever be late for catching your days,

Spend your blues just like outlays.


I gave you my loves,

Put your head up above to watch doves,


These two are examples of not-so-great rhyming. I'm not sure what "spend your blues just like outlays" is supposed to mean. I guess "outlay" is a word for payments, but I had to look it up because I've never heard it. Maybe you could use a word more explicitly related to money or currency and rework the rhyme accordingly?

As for love/dove, one of the more annoying aspects of the English language is that some of the biggest concepts that show up in poems (love, life, time) don't have a lot of perfect rhyming words. The best solution, in my opinion, is to rework the sentence that has the word so it's not at the end and you don't have to shoehorn in things like doves.

I would focus on what you want to say first and foremost. I'm a big fan of free verse, but I still think rhyme can be done well if the poet doesn't lose sight of what they're trying to say.

Overall, I would focus on the interesting ideas you have and making sure the rhyming doesn't distract from what you're trying to say. Welcome to YWS and keep writing! :D



Random avatar
Stranger says...


First of all, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciated your points and yes, there are two characters.



User avatar
184 Reviews


Points: 1489
Reviews: 184

Donate
Tue Oct 29, 2019 1:31 pm
View Likes
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway

First Impression
Nice rhyming you've got going on here. This is a very interesting piece of poetry.

Nitpicks & Grammar
To begin with, you missed a word right here-

Keep calm and listen to voice,
Now, you are finding toys.

you missed the word the before voice. Let me show you what I mean-
Keep still and listen to the voice.


And here again you missed the word the-
Because he didn't even catch right bus.

the the should be placed before the word right. Let me show you-
Because he didn't even catch the right bus


And the word until is misspelled as untill-remember until has one l. (I used to make that very mistake XD)

Here your missing the word an-

Unfortunately, it doesn't have exact side.

you need the word an before the word exact like this-

Unfortunately, it doesn't have an exact side.


Here again, is a missing word-
I wanted to write good end.

You need the word a before the words good end.
Style & Flow
Your style is fine.
This was an interesting read. With a little improvement, I think this will work really well.



Random avatar
Stranger says...


Thank you, I will pay attention to the articles




Everything’s edible if you’re immortal.
— Feltrix