Young Writers Society

Hiiii. First of all, I'm strwbrryyy, your friend Nice work. Just need to polish it a little bit.

This is a simple poetry of yours. I may say that you're having time to brainstorm words with yourself and, that's pretty good. I have some advice and hope to not hurt you.

Maybe you should use some words that will truly fit your idea. By the way, it's still great.

For these lines,

"Drunk Santa Claus lets kids
on his lap and screams in their faces"

I could appreciate your words but, I think that it's more likeable to read when the thought was flowing in a right track. You can use compound sentence instead of a simple sentence. It's better to break down a compound sentence into two parts unlike the simple one. We all know that simple sentences include one thought or idea therefore, we shouldn't break them apart even though we're doing it in poetry. That's all I can say.

Hope you can find the happiness in writing. Love it.

-strwbrryyy

I dig your jams, man.

Each stanza is a thought. Not really a complete thought, I feel like, but more than complete? Like when you're thinking about one thing and you're trying to drag that one thing out of your head but it's like you stuck tape down on a sweater covered in dog hair trying to get just that one hair but you get five. So you have the main hair, but there are other hairs stuck to the hair on the tape.
I hope that made sense because it barely made sense to me. Ha.

I really like this, and also your double meaning white elephant thing going on in the first stanza, especially. I'm just going to put down some of my thoughts and hope that you can sort it out. I'm in a weird mood.

I like that it's drunk santa, not just regular old sober mall santa. I mean, let's be honest, mall santas could definitely all be drunk santas, with their rosy cheeks and tolerance for anything. I bet they're all underpaid. Also this drunk santa must be pretty smart to understand the Hills Like White Elephants reference. Good play. Good reference. White Elephant gifts... wait, is the play where that term comes from? Gifts that you don't know what you're going to get? Like a baby? What a terrible gift. Which brings it around to kids again. Wait a minute... does this mean that drunk santa hates kids? Does this follow the theme of Hills Like White Elephants? >.> Are you tricky, or am I looking too far into this?

acknowledged by the couple who bounce around

the time that is quickly passing by.

Champagne dreams and actions

make a bittersweet, summerish aroma
that fills the two-story atmosphere.

fill the two story atmosphere
with bittersweet, summerish aromas.

A sot and two tipsies both wish

This has a different sort of tone than yours usually have. I like it, though I can't put my finger on what it is. I appreciate the Hills Like White Elephants reference. Sounds like Santa didn't live up to his potential.

A Fahrenheit 451 reference, maybe?

Aaaaand your works get stranger and stranger. xd

I love ittt