Did the revisions... Reviews and comments are appreciated. Or you can just vote in my poll. XD Seriously, you can.
Chapter 2
I sprinted to the library, a half a mile away. The rain hurtled down from the sky, stinging my body. The last couple of days had gone by fast; the “vision” as I liked to call it had never left my mind. I had never been interested in going to the library before but I decided to go to clear my mind and find out more about the “other lands”. That had confused me the most because there were no lands besides ours. No one else had survived the Great War, so how could there be other lands?
A couple minutes later the golden arch that led to the library came into view. I ran, then crashed into something, making me repel backwards. “Oh, hello, Kevin,” I said, catching me breath from the impact. He was Maire’s older brother, whose golden hair and blue eyes were said to be exact to Maire’s. The only difference was that Kevin was a scholar and Maire would never sit still in class.
“Hey Renn,” he replied. “What are you doing here? Fifteen years aren’t allowed to read the books in the Globe,” he said, not unkindly.
“Oh. That’s just great! I came here and got soaking wet for nothing,” I fumed.
“Sorry, Renn. I’m surprised that you didn’t know. Is there anything specific you want to know about?”
I thought about that. Should I trust him? Nah. He’ll think I’m some crazy psycho.
“No, thanks. Do you think I can stay here and dry up, though? I’ll leave once it stops raining.”
He sighed. “I suppose so. Maire would kill me if I got you sick. Come this way.”
I laughed and said, “Thanks.” I followed him, passing shelf after shelf of books. There were majestic pillars and golden light filtered through the crystal roof, making rays of light shoot throughout the room. The pillars were designed with shiny tiles, and had been made by a famous architect. The crystal roof was in a circular shape, and had stained glass surrounding it.
I stared in awe. “Wow,” I breathed. He led me into a small, cozy room. It had fluffy green chairs and bright reading lamps. The room was painted a bright orange and had a welcoming vibe to it.
“Well, you can stay here for now. There are some towels over there. Don’t leave until I come get you and don’t touch any books!” he said, giving me the ‘I’m watching you’ hand motion. Then he left the room.
I grabbed one of the towels and dried myself, then wrapped it around my shoulders. I marveled at the softness against my skin. Then I sighed. I had come here for nothing. Unless… Then I blinked in confusion. I can’t believe I just thought that; it was such a Maire idea. But as I thought about it, I realized that it really could work. Nobody would know.
***
I crept to the door, my black silk cloak waving behind me. In my hand I carried a small lantern and an old rucksack. I turned the handle. Locked. I quickly looked around and made a small paperclip shape thing with my magic after I made sure no one was there. I prodded it around the keyhole, picking the lock as Maire had taught me. How she knew how to pick a lock, I had no idea.
The lock gave a click and I opened the door. The beautiful library was now pitch black and a bit creepy. Shadows leapt from shelf to shelf, and I shivered but continued on. The lantern gave off a soft glow of orange light, illuminating the rows of books. I scanned the shelves. There were so many books. How could I find the one that I needed? I glanced around, and then saw a Finding Book sitting on a grand table. It was beatifully made, with polished wood and intricate carvings.
My mother had told me all about them, she being an avid reader and frequent visitor to the Globe. If you opened them up and then said a title it could direct you to the book you are looking for. I opened the frayed book carefully. “Foreign lands,” I whispered. The book started to glow a bright golden light. I glanced around nervously, hoping that nobody could see the light. Then it started to float. I followed it around, up the stairs, and past many rows of books.
It stopped for a second so I could catch up.Then it glided back to its own shelf. The books on the shelf it had brought me to were dusty and looked as if they hadn't been looked at for a while. I blew the dust off, and then stifled a sneeze. In printed gold words it said The Foreign Lands, B.W. Before the war! That was perfect. I flipped through it and squinted at the fine print. The lantern light would not be enough; I’d have to read it later. I picked it up and was surprised at the weight of the book. It was big, fat, and heavy. I couldn't carry anymore. I would have to get the others another time. I slipped it into my rucksack. Then I crept back down the stairs, each step making a creaking sound that cut through the air.
I was a few steps away from the door when I heard something. It was two or three people, mumbling. They were coming right to me! I quickly made a panel of energy and lifted high in the air, hoping they wouldn’t look up. “This is getting troublesome. We need to get rid of her,” one of the voices, distinctly a male, said.
“We can do it. She’s an orphan. Samuh is no place for orphans, only a place for the pure,” another voice said. It was a woman’s voice, cold and cruel. My eyes widened. Were they talking about me? I wasn’t the only orphan in Samuh, was I?
“Yes, but how?” the male said again. “She does have friends, and her foster parents seem to care for her.” The door opened. “Huh. I thought the staff always locked the door before they left.” Two people stepped inside, a woman and a man, as I guessed.
“They must have forgot. Anyways, we must do it soon. Where are the lights?” the woman said. “Ah.” The lights flickered on. The brightness of them stunned my eyes and I slipped. The rucksack slid off my left arm, but was caught by the strap on the other arm. I sighed in relief. I squinted at the people, and my eyes widened. They wore matching satin red robes, a cloth reserved for the high seats on the Council. The Councilors were said to be kind and just but this description did not fit the people below me. They walked over to the room where I had been in this very day.
I was so caught up in my discovery that I didn’t notice my rucksack. It was still caught on my arm but the opening was getting pulled open. The book was falling out. I made a grab for it but it was too late. It fell rapidly to the ground, making a huge thump. It sounded like a sonic boom, because the library was deathly quiet.
“Who’s there?” the man called. Their footsteps pounded on the ground. They would see me any second. I quickly dived down, and hoped my cloak covered my face. I grabbed the book and jetted out of there, still on my floating blue panel. I could hear the footsteps following me. “Stop immediately!” he yelled.
I, of course, didn't listen to him and only increased my speed. I fled through the door and into the shelter of the woods. My heart beat wildly, not slowing down even when I had lost them completely. A million thoughts raced through my head. Who were they? What did they want with me? Why did they want to get rid of me? Was it safe here? I had to tell someone. Maire! Her house was right on the outskirts of these woods. We used to play in them when we were smaller. I flew quickly to Maire’s house, right outside her bedroom window. I knocked quietly. No answer. Peering inside I see nothing.
Where was she? I pounded my fist on the window. “I don’t have time for this,” I muttered. I made another small panel of energy. Then concentrating I carefully took some of the energy away, making the shape of words. It was very messy, not my usual neat handwriting but it was still readable. Maire, I have gone away on a short journey because of various reasons. I won't be long. Do not tell anybody about this. I’ll see you again. –Renn.
A tear slipped down my cheek. I was overdoing this, but I felt sad. Samuh was my home for all my life and I was going somewhere I didn’t even know existed. Then I flew away.
***
I woke up on the hard ground, close to the river I had been to before, but this time in the safety of the trees. I stayed here for the remainder of the night, exhausted and out of energy to use. The sunlight warmed my face, and I sat up. My hair was a mess and I was hungry but safe. Walking over to a tree, I put my hands on it. The energy flowed into my fingertips. I took enough to make my hunger go away and some for later. Then I put my hands down. Trees were a great source of energy; since they could photosynthesize the basically have unlimited energy during the daytime.
I walked to my rucksack, the book still thrown in there. The pages were slightly bent but still in pretty good condition. I opened the book, the fine golden print glinting in the sunlight. I sat down against a tree and started to read.
I thought I'd read for a little while, but when I stopped it was already deep into the late afternoon. Whoa. This book was packed with information. Avian, Eleanian, Retore, and Laroc. How come I had never heard of them? They sounded amazing. It told of their ancient ways, their arguments with each other, and of their intriguing culture. But it still didn’t tell me how to get to the distant lands. I sighed, stood up and started to pace. Where would I go? I could try to search for the other lands but I had no clue where to go. Wandering aimlessly would have the same result.
But what else could I do? I was trapped. Nowhere to go, nowhere to run. I picked up my bags and started to walk along the river. I walked until my legs were sore and blisters bloomed on my feet. Rolling green hills were in the distance and the river followed them. The river was a sparkling deep blue, the cool water taunting me to come in. It was a rule never to go into the river. The Council forbade it, and it was a rule at the very top of the list. I always wondered why it was so serious. There were many rules much more important but deemed lower.
Never one to break the rules I hadn’t even considered to go into the river. But there weren’t any rules for me anymore. A grin spread across my face. I took off my cloak and stuffed it in the bag. Then I put a thin wall of energy around it so it wouldn’t get wet. Cautiously, I took a step into the water. The cool water was delicious to my sunburned legs and I closed my eyes. My eyes were still closed when a sudden current came and pushed me over. My body swayed as I struggled to regain my balance.
"Oof," I muttered.
The water seemed to turn darker every second. The currents were getting stronger and I was overcome with fear. I turned, about to run to the shore, when I saw something move in the corner of my eye. I turned unwillingly. A huge wave was coming straight at me, I gasped and ran for shore. I was only a few steps away when I felt the sight leaving my eyes. The darkness swirled in my head making me struggle to find my ways to shore. I know I'm not going to make it. How stupid of me, I silently mocked myself. I tried to be brave, courageous? Only to run away into my death. What a fool.
***
The floor was the first thing I noticed. Cold and grimy, bumps ran across my skin from disgust. I opened my eyes yet saw nothing. I flung my arms around wildly and they came in contact with a smooth, hard surface. "Oww," I said with a grimace. I blinked multiple times, trying to clear this odd darkness that seemed to cover my eyes. Where was I? What happened? I only remembered going into the river. Did I have a blackout? My bag! Oh no. If anyone caught me with that book I would be severely punished. Suddenly footsteps approached me, unusually light and airy.
"So the princess is awake?" a voice said condescendingly. It was a male, definitely.
"Who are you? Where am I?" I said, and my voice wavered.
"I don't answer your questions. You answer mine," he said, his voice sounding like scraping metal. I almost snickered with this lame comeback.
"What are you talking about? What have you done with my eyes?"
"Your eyes? Nothing!" he said, and his feet shuffled.
"Then why can't I see anything?" I asked as a bead sweat ran down my forehead.. I couldn't do anything being blind.
"What? I don't know!" he said, rushing his words in a quick breath.
I was about to reply when my stomach suddenly gave a loud grumble. "So you're hungry, huh?" he said, with that same condescending tone. "Here." I heard a scrape and felt something nudge me.
"How am I supposed to eat this? I'm practically blind!" I shouted angrily.
"Not my problem," he said uncaring.
I blinked again. Small bits of sight was finally coming back. I was in a small metal cell. A gate was surrounding it and it was dreary and gray. What the heck? Where was I? Where was that guard? I didn't hear him leave, and I looked around me. There was a small bowl full of some kind of gruel. I picked it up and cautiously sniffed it. My stomach gave another loud grumble. Tentatively I stuck my finger in it and give it a small lick. It wasn't too bad, a little plain but it would fill my stomach. I ate it quickly and wiped the remains off my face. I studied my surroundings. I looked like I was in a prison of some sort. Wait. A prison? Samuh didn’t have any prisons… That I knew of. How much did I know about Samuh?
Was this how those people were going to kill me? Trap me in a cell then execute me? No. Why would they waste Samuh’s precious supply of food on someone they were going to kill? My mind buzzed with unanswered questions. I sighed and sat, and leaned against the cool, metal surface. Then I tried to use my gift; I tried to create a small bubble. I tried to make it small enough but with enough energy to float. It was an exercise I did to help me control my power. Soon there were mini green bubbles all over my small cell. They floated and only popped when I sucked up the energy again. I smiled; it was good having fun when you were about to die. Thank goodness I took some energy from that tree. I was still playing with the bubbles when there was a huge crash, a door being slammed dramatically and with a huge amount of force.
I quickly popped all my bubbles, not wanting the guard to see my strange and unnatural power. Instead of a guard I saw a girl. Yet it wasn't her proud face, and odd clothing that startled me into silence. It was the wings. They were extended and long, a pearly white, with slivers of silver sparkling of of them. I gave a small gasp.
She was an Avian.
Yep. So this is it. I'll be working on Ch. 3!!
Please comment and review!!!
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Ok, due to the fact that I have virtually no time right now I'm going to make this short and simple.
write the next chapter and get it up here before I implode with anticipation!!!
Hi there! I haven't read your first chapter, but I'll do my best, alright?
I think this should be "the last couple of days had gone by fast." You know, just so your tenses agree and everything.
The repetition of "go to the library" doesn't work. Try "I had never been interested in going to the library before, but I decided to go that day...."
Was should be were.
You don't need those commas, dear.
You want to avoid info-dumps like that. It's basically telling, rather than showing. You should casually slip in details like that, instead of listing them out all at once.
The beginning of this sentence doesn't work. Should be "I grabbed".
I have issues with this paragraph. First, you already said "I had come here for nothing" before, so it's repetitive and unnecessary. Also, I think there's an awful lot of telling here. You make it so blatantly obvious what your MC is thinking. Instead, you should lead us into it, slip in some details here and there. This is another info-dump.
Small, small. xD Find a synonym.
The coast was clear is such an over-used cliche. Please find another, more original phrase.
This is a bit unclear. Try "It stopped for a second so I could catch up."
Since you talk about books in the plural during the first part of the sentence, you should continue that in the second part. So it should read: "The books on the shelf it had brought me to were dusty and looked as if they hadn't been looked at for a while.
We'd already established that it's heavy, dear. You don't need the repetition in the second sentence.
If her rucksack is small, how can it hold such a large book?
Widen should be widened.
Beated is not a word. Beat is already past and present tense, so you don't need the ed.
Hadn't she already made a panel of energy? Argh! More repetition! Watch out for that.
Methinks there should be a "still" before readable.
Comma after tree.
Tree's should be trees, since you're not speaking as if it's possessive. Comma should be a semicolon. Can should be could, so your tenses agree. The should be they. At should be in, or preferably during.
Comma after while and change and to but.
To between get and the.
Comma after rules.
Comma after cautiously.
Struggle should be struggled.
Oh, dear god. Please, please, please do not use adverbs, especially not in excess as you do here! The sentences should be strong enough to stand alone, without the help of adverbs, because they actually weaken your statements. It's okay if you use them once or twice, but not every sentence. Instead, use words to describe how they spoke, like muttered or stammered. Describe body language to show nervousness.
Your should be you're.
Haven't we already established that Renn is not in Semuh?
That comma after smiled should be a semicolon, and thoughts should be in italics.
Oy! You have not made this easy on me. I see you've got an interesting plot going on here, and the characterization's fine. But, your grammar needs serious work. I didn't bother pointing out every single time you 1) missed a comma 2) used a comma instead of a semicolon or 3) used a comma when you didn't need one. My advice would be to read this aloud. If you pause in certain places, there should be a comma there. If not, then leave the comma out. Use semicolons when seperating two sentences that 1) are not strong enough to stand on their own, 2) have the same basic idea, or 3) support each other.
You have some really strong descriptions and images, but you tend to lump them all together and bombard the reader with information. You don't want to do that. Like I said before, casually slip it in. Also, you give away way too much about what your character is thinking, as well as future events. You have to trust the reader enough to draw some basic conclusions on their own.
Also, you tell more than you show. Like, for example, don't say it when Renn has a plan. You have to imply it. Or, at the very least, don't go into full detail before she actually carries the plan out, because then it groes repetetive.
Overall, it's got potential, plot-wise and character-wise. You just need to work on the mechanics more; you know, polish and edit. Work on that, and you'll have a great story.
Thanks everyone for their reviews! ^_^
~Poem: I'll be working on those repetitive words. I really never noticed them. ^^
~Meadow: Tenses... Well, I'm glad to be doing better. Hopefully the next chapter will have less. I added more description during the revision... But not as lot.
~Peanut: It's okay. ^^ Published??? That's a long way from now. I don't even know if I'll finish the story. I hope so though. It will be an awesome accomplishment.
Thanks again!!!!!!!
~Storm
Hi! I'm here to review... quite a bit after I said I would.
sorry about that.
There should be a comma after 'said'.
Hmm... I guess I really can't review much else... everyone seems to have gotten it all before me! Oh well, I'm sorry I couldn't review like I told you I would... I feel bad
Great job though! It is most definitely coming along nicely!
Keep on going!
Thanks everybody. I'll edit it right now!
Ack!
...
Off to edit. Just wanted to comment on that.
Heya Stormy!
Gosh, it sounds weird callign someone other than my horse, Stormy. Anyways, I actually did forget but thank-you for the PM. I think I need to write down the stories I review. Bad memory. Well to the review!
Lead is suppose to led ^_^
I think you could add more description to make it less telly and less awkward.
This could be split into different paragraphs. It seems mumble jumbled and just thrown together. Also, add more description to the small, cozy room. It's rather telly and the room with the pillars and crystal roof could use more description too. ^_^
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You're using First Person! Instead of saying, 'I grabbed' or 'I dried'. You should use more description in places like this.
The comma should be changed to a period.
Either change the comma to a semi colon or a period. I'm not to sure which one to go with.
A comma after it. The first one ^_^
Nix the and and change waved to waving.
Creepy was it? How was it creepy? Do tell.
Change the comma to a period. Also, change need to needed.
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Where was this Finding Book? Also, this sentence sounds rather...clumsy. I would rewrite it (not saying where the book is) to something like this: I glanced around, spotting a Finding Book on blah blah blah.
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Perhaps add she before being.
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If this is a book, it should be in italics >_<
The beginning of this sentence is slightly awkward and makes no sense. Perhaps you could reword it.
A comma before but.
Write this like this: I, of course, didn't listen to him and only increased my speed.
Okay, you don't say anything about Renn leaving the library. Or the scenery that she flies passed on her way to Maire's house. Add more description! You're skimming over important details.
Maybe put this in italics.
A comma before but.
Change the comma to a period. Then, since this is going to make a new sentence, put a comma after photosynthesize and add a y to the. The 'at the daytime' part had me confused. What do you mean?
What did she read about? Besides those few names you named afterwards, what else was there? Mention some more! Not too much but enough!
Make this its own seperate paragraph. Also, you change tenses here ^_^
You change tenses in this paragraph! It is rather hard to not do in First Person but you have to watch out for things like this!
This unknown guy calls her princess? Is she a princess or is he just calling her that because she's a girl? And wouldn't Renn be confused on being called princess?
Changed tenses ehre again.
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Wouldn't Renn be panicking? She can't see! I know I'd be rahter frightened at the thought of losing my eyesight.
Pop to popped >_<
Overall: Alright, a very good chapter. However, you could defiantly use more description in places and you completely skip parts (like when she left the library). You also forget to use commas in certain places and change tenses. Not as frequent as the first chapter so you're getting better at that ^_^ Some sentences could be shortened because the shorter sentences can have better effects than others.
Good job on this! Do continue and give me another PM when you post the next chapter up.
Happy Writing!
Meadow
Great job! Can't wait for the rest!
I wouldn't start the sentence with 'but', and there should be a comma before 'and'.OK, in the first paragraph you repeat 'library' a lot. The same thing happens a bit later on with 'shelves'.
I think there should be a comma before ' I had no idea'.
I am not sure if this needs a comma before and.
I think you need another word after golden...like color, or hue.
Comma before and!
Overall:
I thought i was wonderful, but the first chapter gave me the image of a campsite. Then all of a sudden there is a library, it threw me off a bit. I would just watch your repetition of words, and conjunctions without commas.
I hope this helped!
~Poem