Well I reread the whole thing and I edited. I really tried to correct all the tenses and "talking heads" as Stella calls them. If you find anymore could you please point them out to me? Sorry about the big info-dump in the beginning. I kinda made it into a mini prologue. I thought it would be too short to be a real one... So here is my story!
Chapter 1
After the Great War ended, only the five strongest nations remained. There was the Avian, or the angel-winged folk, the Samuh, whose ancestors were the destructive humans, and the Eleanian, who could interact with animals like their own kin. The other two were the Laroc and the Retore. The Laroc controlled weather patterns, making their lands rich with agriculture. The Retore were shape shifters and loved to play pranks. The rest disappeared to the depths of extinction. The five nations split the land peacefully, tired of war and hardships, and went their own way. When they separated, they lost all contact with each other. They forgot more about the other lands as each new generation came. Soon, the magic flowed back into the land and made a thin veil between each nation.
***
I opened my eyes to see two people staring at me. “Oh Renn, darling! I thought you wouldn’t come out of this one,” my mother said, her voice filled with concern. I gave her a small smile.
“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine,” I replied. I blinked and looked around. “Maire! Why are you here?” I asked the tall girl in the corner. She gave her famous cat smile.
“Renn, do you think I'm so mean? Of course I would visit you if you were sick! I’ve been your friend for how many years?” she exclaimed with a little sniff. “But I must say you are a very weird. You get blackouts constantly and you don’t even remember what happens before you get them!”
It was true. Ever since I was seven I had fainted many times and never remembered once what it was about. People stayed away from me because of my blackouts but also my quiet demeanor. Maire and I were only friends because she was new in town when she met me and didn’t hear the rumors. Plus, she lived right next to me, so our mothers who loved us “making little friends” introduced us. It wasn’t that bad, we got along just fine.
“Yeah, yeah,” I said and rolled my eyes. “So what happened this time?”
"We were just coming out of school and all of a sudden you fell. Your dad had to carry you back," she said quickly. I groaned.
“Now, now. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” my mother said, and brought me a warm bowl of soup.
“You always say that!” I complained. She just shook her head, and chuckled.
“When you’re a mother you’ll act like that too,” she replied swiftly and left the room.
I slurped the soup nosily, the delicious flavor of rosemary tickling my taste buds. “Yum. That was heaven.”
Maire laughed and said, “You’re so lucky your mom can cook. When my mom tries to cook the whole thing explodes.” I laughed with her. Then her expression turned serious and she said quietly “Did you show your mom yet?” I stared at her.
“Show her what?” I replied. She glared at me.
“You know what," she said and sighed.
“Maire! She’s not even my real mother, and she tries so hard to be like one. If I blow this bomb on her it will break her to pieces.”
“Fine. But don’t ask me to come and help you when she finds out by someone else and locks you up in a tower for not telling her.”
“She’s not going to find out. I’ve only told you. And you won’t tell, right?” I asked nervously.
She sighed. “I guess not.” Then she grinned evilly, saying “Come on! If you aren’t going to tell your mom, then lets have some fun with it.”
***
“Maire! This is not a good idea!” I cried. She didn't hear me and letted out a whoop. I shifted my weight to the right and narrowly missed a tree. The thin square of energy I had made was below our feet, and we were riding air... literally.We flew high, yet we were low enough to be hidden beneath the massive forest of trees. At first we were unbalanced and moved jerkily, but once we had gotten used to it, it was easy. The small panel of energy was almost stuck to our feet so we wouldn’t fall off. It gave me a feeling that was indescribable.
Nobody had gone into the air ever since the human’s invention called an airplane had been destroyed. It could travel on air and carry multiple amounts of passengers. Yet, when the Great War had started it was used as a lethal weapon to drop bombs effortlessly on the enemies land. It killed many people and was a main factor in the ending of the Great War. An ending in which only we, the Samuh, had survived. After the Great War all the airplanes were destroyed to make sure it would not be used to kill anymore.
The wind blew at my face, making my dark brown hair go flying out of its hair tie. Ignoring the stinging pain on my bare skin, I began to smile. Then I shot after Maire. We raced for a while then slowed, and enjoyed the dark indigo sky that matched my eyes. It shined with blazing white stars. “Why didn't I think of this before?” Maire yelled over the wind.
“I don’t know but I love it,” I yelled back.
When we landed on the riverside we were both panted heavily. “That. Was. Awesome!”
I nodded, still out of breath. “Renn, I absolutely love your crazy power!” she exclaimed.
“I guess it is pretty cool.”
“Only pretty cool? I say it’s awesome. You can take energy from different sources and shape the energy into anything you want! Plus you can control them with your mind.”
I laughed and said, “Maybe I should take some of your everlasting energy!”
I put my hand on the grass and concentrated. Slowly a small amount of energy came into my fingertips. The grass looked slightly browner. “Oops, little too much that time,” I said.
“You better be careful Renn. You don’t want to go killing everything for their energy.” I gasp at her sudden seriousness and stare at her.
“I would never!”
She sighed and said, “I know, but you should be careful.” I nodded glumly; the thought of killing something or someone was horrible.
“Let’s go back home now,” I said then gave a big yawn. Then my eyes drooped and I fell into another one of my blackouts.
I am standing in an open plain, but there is mist everywhere. I waved my hands around, trying to clear the air. “What is this?” I thought. “This had never happened before.” Suddenly I see a faint flicker of light and moved for it. My work is slow, as the light often goes out, blocked by the thick mist. When I'm standing in front of the light I see a small orb. It is glowing brilliant colors, radiating energy all around it. I reach for it. The moment I touch it I hear a voice. It is not male or female, a voice that I have never heard before. “Welcome Renn.” I swung around but there isn't anyone there. “You need not be afraid, I will not harm you. I merely wish to talk. To explain things about your destiny.”
“Who are you? What do you mean my destiny?” I cried frantically.
The voice ignores me and says,
“You must travel to the distant lands.
You must find the Children, one in each.
You must join together hand in hand,
Around the great white tree of beech.”
The words swirl around my head and then there is darkness.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
I loved it! I only found a few mistakes, like when Marie said
A very weird what? A very weird one? Or maybe just very weird. And don't forget to put a comma between "must" and "say"!I loved the rhyme in your prophecy, but I think it's boring when every prophecy in every story rhymes. Maybe try spicing it up with something a little different, but without changing any of the information. I don't know, after all, no two readers agree on a perfect story, but I personally don't like the rhyme.
Also, like thunder_dude7 and peanutgallery007, don't keep having Marie (or anyone for that matter) tell us things, when it obviously could be shown. Try to fix this:
And this:
I know it's been said before, but those two descriptions by Marie need to go away.
Other than those things, I really loved it. Hope this helped. Keep writing, and maybe PM when the next part comes out!
I just have one comment. Please, for goodness sake, don't try to put propehsy in rhyme. ><
Oh, yeah, Renn is a girl... I think either Thunder_Dude made a mistake or just a typo. Sorry for the confusion. ^__^
Sorry to sound stupid, but is Renn a dude or a girl cause I thought Renn was a girl. Then Thunder_dude7 said Renn is a dude. So, which is it dude or girl?
Thanks everybody. I edited it once again. Ugh... Those tenses are really getting to me. Anyways Chapter 2 is almost done I'll be posting it soon.
I'll try not to be harsh... kidding! I'm normally not extremely harsh anyway, see?
I would put another comma after 'Renn'.
Question mark! She is technically asking a question.
I would try incorporating this information into the story a little differently... I can see how you made that specific dialogue to explain about her blackouts... I would try making it a little more subtle. I hope you don't see all this as harsh!
Perfect! That's what I'm talking about!
Remember to make a new paragraph when a different person speaks!
Whoops, I spy a typo!
Umm... deeply confusing. Remember to fix that little tidbit!
Try adding "I asked nervously." to the end of that. Sometimes, going back and forth in conversation can be tricky and, in the mistake I pointed out earlier, this is even more confusing than most times. Simple changes can help!
This sentence needs much work. Try putting it more like this;
"The thin square of energy I had made was below our feet, and we were riding air... literally."
Or, something like that. It doesn't look the best, but I'm sure you can come up with an alternative, but just keep in mind the general points I made.
Again, this sentence needs work. Try it like this;
"We were flying high, yet we were low enough to be hidden beneath the massive forest of trees."
Small changes.
Toss the 'had been invented' at the end. It is not needed.
No! No but! I know that sounded funny, but I tell a whole lot of people not to start their sentences/ lines/ stanzas/ paragraphs with 'and' or 'but'. It does not seem grammatically correct to me. Try 'yet'.
Nice description! I know I commented on how you incorporated something into the story, but this was great! Nice job!
put a comma between 'skin' and 'I'.
I would try putting a little more... hmm... what is it called? Oh yeah, pizzazz into this. Try using a different words other than shined. How about 'glimmered' or 'twinkled' or 'blazing'? I personally like blazing.
Again you are using Maire's dialogue to show something. Try incorporating things with thoughts or events instead of having a character flat out tell us.
Get rid of the 'but'. You don't need it.
Wonderful! Awesome! Brilliant! Absolutely incredible! Sorry, but I really love this! How long did it take you to think of that riddle? It is a perfect rhyme with perfect balance... it ties together the whole entire story! Brava to you, friend.
I really hoped this helped. As you can see, I am a quite long critic. I hope you never found any of this offensive or too harsh. Definitely keep going! I'm so sad that I didn't get to read this sooner... I am absolutely dying for more! Keep it up
Oh, and what I said about the whole and/ but thing. I did not correct the characters dialogue on that because dialogue is how the character speaks. I don't think speech should be corrected, especially if you are trying to present them a certain way using the dialogue, but, besides dialogue, stay away from starting sentences with 'and' or 'but'!
Hey Storm Bringer! Have we met? The name's Stella, and if I haven't said so already, welcome to YWS (you are, after all, a relative newbie
) Glad to see you're finding your way around. Since you critiqued me, I thought I should return the favour!
This is a lot of information for your first paragraph... and a bit of a turn-off for the reader... It's like "Oh. It's one of those stories... it could use some sprucing up... or cutting down.
This is a bit talking heads. Maybe you should try something more casual. Like, (just for instance) "Come on, you can't honestly expect me to do that after knowing me how long?" Then break it with a litte action like you did, then say something more natural again, "Though the blackouts are beginning to scare me a little..." do you see? It seems more like something a teenager would say...
Missing a space.
Present tense.
Present tense.
Present.
Okay...
II. TENSE
I think you realise this. Perhaps keep present for the italics and past for the rest- that would be the best way to do it, in my opinion. I've pointed some out, but it won't take more than a few minutes to fix the ret- a few minutes that would be well spent.
III. TALKING HEADS
I think there's an article on this in the Knowledge Base, but I'll try and explain.
Example: Which sounds better?
"You're lucky that it was the thaw here a few days ago. Everybody knows that winters here kill hundreds of travellers each year. Here, there's the spare cloak" Ellie said.
"Oh yeah, I can see some snow at the bottom of those trees. Yeah, guess I was lucky," Ben answered.
or:
"You're lucky thaw was a few days ago, the winters can be lethal," Ellie said, handing him a cloak from her bag.
Ben looked around and sure enough, there were little patches of snow around the tree bases. "Yeah, I guess I was," he murmured.
Don't be afraid to use outside of dialogue to describe and explain. Watch and listen to how the people around you talk, then look at the conversations in your story. Read how authors manage it. Dialogue, at least for me, is all about trying to sound natural, and talking heads do the opposite. Give it a go! It'll give your story more of an edge.
IV. THE GREAT WAR
Maybe because I'm a history boffin, but every time you say this I think you're talking about World War One... and then when you mention planes and bombs... perhaps another name might be suitable? Just a suggestion... but not a major problem. Just me being weird.
V. OVERALL
Iron out your problems and you're grand!
Hope I helped, feel free to drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
Thanks Everybody for their comments! They are very much appreciated!!!!! I'm editing this, all the tenses are messed up i know. And I'm also almost done with the second chapter! I'll PM those people who want to read the next chapter. Hopefully i won't have as much nitpicks for the tenses!
Hehe. Anyways thanks! Hope you stay with me in this very long road of my slow writing.
Hiya Storm! You request, I come.
I think all the grammer issues have been pointed out. Watch out for changing tenses, hon.
I'll help explain it if you want me to.
Oh, wait a minute.
A slow blink? Is there such a thing? I don't think that is needed, so take out the slow.
Wow. Big information dump. You are just telling us this, not showing.
During the second part, when they are flying around, I got confused. I wasn't sure who Marie was or Renn. Who had the flying power? Who could take energy from other living things?
Also, I kept on thinking that it was Renn speaking, when it was actually Marie.
Those were questions that went through my mind. Try re-wording that part so it will clear up that confusion.
I'm curious to see what you do with this. I'm also curious about the title.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, hon.
*Cat
Hey! Here's your requested review. I'll try not to be too harsh, but I tend to nit-pick, so that's just a warning.
Anyways, on with the review!
I can see why you would put this in a story, but maybe make it a prologue and expand a bit more. Right now it's just like 'this happened, then this happened etc.'
You don't need two periods here. Delete one. Also, see in this sentence, you're in present tense. Well, look here:
You changed to past tense here and in a bunch of other places. Once you choose a tense to put your story in, keep it consistent.
This is a teenage girl right? I don't think that in normal conversation a teenage girl would necessarily say 'ill'. Try something like 'sick'.
Trying to ease what in?
Take out the space between " and Y.
You don't show someone about something, Try something like "show her what?"
ACK!! Icky paragraph. You switch tenses so much. Choose one and use it consistently.
Shouldn't it be 'Why didn't I think of this before?'
I like the idea, and I really am interested to see what happens next. Just a bit of touch-ups and you're good! I'll be checking back for the next chapter!
P.S. Gold Star!
I can't make any promises, but I'll try. But I have to handle all of the grammar issues - I'm a perfectionist on that. Prepare to take a battering there.
I critique grammar by posting the sentence or excerpt that needs correcting and bolding changes. Commas, periods, etc. are usually not that noticeable, so I bold the words around them as well.
I'm having trouble interpreting the meaning of this part. "like their own race" could mean a few different things, so you need to make this more clear.
Alright. As far as the actual writing goes, this is all good. All that I can really say thus far is that this is an info-dump. You pile the information on us right away - a cop-out, if you will. It's best to simply insert this information subtly into the rest of the text.
You use the word "eyes" twice, very quickly. Try rewording it to make that unnecessary.
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!
*gasp*
I'm sorry. I get like that when I see little errors like this. Your word would mean "you are". You're looking for "your", the possessive form of "you".
"Frequently" is not the kind of word that a normal person will frequently use.
After that, you continue to use present tense. Stick to past tense.
That wasn't the most effective way to introduce the power - especially after it's been used. Perhaps mention him drawing energy from something before allowing them to fly to explain.
The darkness scene at the end was good, minus the present tense.
Overall, you did a pretty good job. Some sentences could use re-wording, but overall, it wasn't too bad.
Thanks MeadowLark! I didn't know that about the people speaking thing. Thanks. Sorry about the tenses. I wasn't sure which one to use. _Storm_Bringer
Heya! This was pretty interesting. Let me see what I could point out.
First off:
You have three different people speaking in the same paragraph! You do that throughout your chapter. One: That is completely wrong. Two: It's confusing. Every time a new person speaks, it is always a new paragraph. Always!
You have also changed tenses. Here:
You're speaking in past tense. Exclaimed. And here:
You changed to present. Pick one tense and work with it. It'll make more sense. You also do hroughout your chapter.
Put a comma after jerkily or even a period and make two seperate sentences. And after it, put a comma and another it. I made the changes there.
I'm going to leave it at that and let others point things out. This sounds quite interesting and I can't wait to read more. My interest is peaked. PM when you post more.
Happy Writing!
Meadow