z

Young Writers Society



Fate

by StormLord


The ship moved left and right in the seemingly still water. Only several creaks of the rotting wood broke the uneasy silence.

He was awake, breathing rapidly and heavily. Sweat was soaking his face, while he needed water badly. The cage they put him in was for animals, about five feet wide and four high. He sat leaned on one of the corners near the bulk of the ship, hearing the water outside. Shadows roamed in front of him, while his eyes turned all white. He looked around slowly. More cages. Garbage. The only company he had was two wolves, a beaten-up old bear and a dead goat already being salvaged by hundreds of mice. The stench of the decaying carcass drifted over his head reminding him of food, but the thirst killed every other thought in him. He watched the mice come and go through the holes in the old planks, imagining his end under their small teeth. He imagined them bigger and bigger, giving into his dream, only to come back to reality the next second. Then an idea flashed through his mind.

He dragged his body across the floor to the other wall of the cage. He took one mouse and picked him up, looking him with a greedy look, as he barely restrained to eat him. He sniffed the air near the hole they were coming from. The variety of scents almost knocked him out, but he felt it. He sat in the middle of the cage as if he was praying. He grabbed his hands firmly together and raised them over his head. Then, with his last strength left in him hit the ground and broke one of the boards. After that, he slipped down.

He was in the lowest level of the ship. There was everything here: old, broken baskets, crates, barrels, bottles, planks, and tons of mice. He walked slowly, holding himself on the crates and the walls. He walked like he was drunk, hitting into everything without even seeing it was there. His vision slowly faded away. Then he felt the scent again. He walked up a barrel near him. He pushed his arm through the lid and grabbed the first thing he felt. He pulled out an old, smelly, pickled fish. His eyes shined on his discovery while his mouth started to drool. He bit off a large chunk almost severing his fingers, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was to eat, feeling the blood flowing through him with renewed strength. He ate almost half of the barrel before finally stopping. Then he started to look for a way out. He felt his feet getting stronger, his arms able to hold, his head less heavy. But a fire still burned in his chest, urging him to hurry.

After several attempts he found the stairs up. He was once again in the room with the cages. But this time he was free. He went to the corner where he saw the water barrel standing. He shoved his head in the water and drank with pleasure. When he took it out, his face had lost the dull, sick expression. It had a sign of relief, but it was mostly anger from the fear, pain and humiliation. He had an idea. He approached the cage of the wolves. The male looked up and met his eyes. He came near the bars and tried to lick the man’s hand. He gave the wolves and the bear water. They drank down fast and greedily, with much commotion. Then he opened their cages. Free, the wolves flew out the exit, while the bear got up with painful roars and started staggering out. He waited ‘till he heard sounds of fighting up and followed them. On the way up, one of the cabins opened, but a strong blow convinced the sleepy pirate to stay there.

The deck of the ship was painted red from the blood of the crew. The captain, very agitated, yelled to everyone to kill the bear. The bear stood on two feet decapitating all that approached her. Finally, an arrow in her head sent her overboard. The wolves were also in bad shape, one dead, other barely standing. Then they spotted him. The captain called, arrogantly:

- So you are the cause of all this trouble. Monster!

- I know what I am, but what are you?

- And where will you go?

- Home.

- Not likely. Get him!

He looked around and counted. Twelve. Easy, he thought. The battle was short, but very fierce. The beast within him raged, spilling blood everywhere. The smell of it drove him in a frenzy, slashing and turning, while limbs were flying everywhere. They were gone, finally dead, as he wanted only half an hour ago. He felt satisfaction and remorse at the same time, pain and pleasure in a swirling cocktail that set his brain on fire. The captain was fleeing on the coast. There is always next time, passed through his mind. He looked around. Blood and flesh mixed with the garbage as a strange and compelling ornament to the ship. He was free. He looked towards the full moon and sent out a violent howl that echoed across the distance. The werewolf was free.


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Fri Sep 03, 2021 2:34 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyyyy!! Forever here with a review!!
Characters:That was a good twist at the end. When you started describing the animald and told the cages were meant for the animals, I wondered a bit about it but I couldn't catch what he actually was. First of all, I thought he was a normal human being and he thought he was being humiliated by the people in there as an animal. Then I had another theory which says he was a mere animal. However, both of my guesses were wrong. I really liked the plot twist.

Plot:The plot was kind of ambiguous. As you didn't mention what really happened in the past, the reader has to imagine the past and how he got there. I really like it. From what I could imagine... What can i really imagine? I don't have a good theory but, why the people captured the animals? For business? One animal was dead... So, the main goal of the people was not to keep them alive, perhaps to kill them. If that was so, it was much better for them to kill them in the very first place. Or that goat died without the human beings knowing it? I mean they meant them to survive... Oh no, I guess everything seems to be very messed here. So, clear it a bit, the theory. I am not telling you to reveal the whole past-it will spoil the suspense but I need clarity. Maybe just remove the word "dead". That can be helpful. So, maybe the people were carrying them alive for a business. Anyway, the animals at last killed the humans. The werewolf was free!! A good ending there.
Pacing:The pacing at most of the places was good but at some places, it felt a bit too rushed. This can obviously be overcome by giving some descriptions. Like you just wrote that the deck of the ship was painted red by their blood. While it's a good detail but it seemed to be a sudden jump from the last line. I think you should give what happened in between, so that the reader gets some detail.
Setting:This was quite good. I really got a clear picture of where the scene was taking place. So, good job with that. The descriptions of the scene was of great help!

Overall, quite a good story. I enjoyed the story.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

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Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:03 am
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aliepalie wrote a review...



Awesome! At first you just think he's human, but as the story continues you start to doubt him being really a normal human, only to be surprised at the end. He's a werewolve. I love it.

Still there were a few rushed parts, which I really regret you rushed. You could write a lot more about the fight from the bear and the wolves, I would have liked to read that. Also there was a part where I kind of lost the story line. The end was a little bit short, but I also think that was a good point. It didn't get cliché because of that.
Also there were a few grammar mistakes, but I'm not gonna dwell on about that, since I bet my reply isn't free of them either.

Still, I really much liked it, and I'm waiting for more of your works!




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Wed Feb 16, 2011 12:23 am
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IzumiRyuichi wrote a review...



Awesome story! I liked the pressure you put on the reader to read on and find out who this "being" was! Overall I found a few rushed parts and some gramatical errors, I would check it over and do some editing. I also noticed the end was extremely short. I would describe the animals setting off and the bear fighting the people, that part was skipped I noticed. I also think you should describe the fight between the werewolf and the "pirates" or whoever he was fighting. And also clarify that too!

Overall, I liked it, I hope to read more of your work!




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Sun Feb 13, 2011 4:39 am
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charcoalspacewolfman wrote a review...



Alright, your story has some problems. First, you use "he" too often. Second, you chop up your sentences more than you should. Some words shouldn't be at the beginnings of sentences unless they're actually emphasizing something. You sound bored. Sometimes it's good to emphasize like this. But when you do it all the time it loses its impact. Very quickly. Also, your description is a little cliche: "The deck was painted red with the blood of the crew." People use blood as paint all the time; if you want to stand out, you need a different description. While perhaps it's better than "There was blood spattered everywhere" it's not necessary to use the word blood anyway. If you're going to have blood, why is there no good fight scene? The bear decapitates people, sure, but the guys who come for the werewolf meet their demise all at once and in no clear manner. How does the captain escape? Does he just start swimming?
Thinking about it, this is mostly an outline. It's not well-developed yet, and while I can tell you have some characterization in there, all the characters are flat.
So it needs work, but if you can devote some time to it, it'll probably be a fine tale.




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Thu Feb 10, 2011 12:46 am
Chimaera070612 wrote a review...



The general idea is quite enjoyable. A monster within, a hero on the outside. Time to be the evil critic. I didn't like the repetition of the word he as someone mentioned before me and I found some of the transitions difficult to keep up with, esp. after the bear was set free. The little dialogue was, sorry to say, mediocre. With few lines, I think it's important to make them stand out. Otherwise, a delightful work.




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Sat Feb 12, 2005 8:45 pm
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Emma says...



Yer, this is actullay quite good.




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Sun Jan 23, 2005 11:31 pm
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niteowl says...



This is good. I suck at critiquing so yeah it's cool.




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Sun Jan 23, 2005 9:53 pm
Elocina wrote a review...



:P Cool :P A werewolf! Hmmmm. Right, critiquing. In the first 2 paragraphs, you used 'He' wayyy too much. You don't want to use 'werewolf' there, though. That's a pleasant little surprise at the end. You should be able to get away using 'the man' instead of 'he'. This is a short overall critique, since my little brain isn't on the nit-picking mental page. Very nice. Why hasn't anyone else seen this?





don't try me bro
— Seirre