Young Writers Society

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

My name is Barnabus Brake, which is about as unfortunate as you can get. "Barney" isn't much better.

Anyway, it was one of those days. A day when you could care less what happens, because everyone leaves you on your own.

I thought I saw a glassy flicker out of the corner of my eye.

When you live in a city, glass is nothing new. It could be easily be the sun reflecting off a window.

Something flitted past me, an inch from my nose. I stopped and blinked. It didn't come back. "Stupid," I muttered to myself.

"Hey, boy. You gonna move, or do I have to move you?" A coarse voice brought me back to the crowded sidewalk.

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir." I stepped aside to let him pass. As I did, I caught the barest hint of a reflection in his eyes, and I wondered.

Showing, not telling! Who is this kid? What's the reflection in his eyes? What made his day so bad?


Basically what I'm saying is that you need some serious description in this piece, otherwise we won't understand. I really want to see where this is going though. I love the idea of "urban dragons".

I really liked the line where he says his name. It made me giggle. I think it's spelled "Barnabas" though.

Actually, contrary to what everybody is saying, I think I sort of understand this. The glassy reflection in his eye must be how he knows about the dragons, or something like that, and the other guy can do it too, or something. So I think I get it. Also, I liked the line where you said his name and how unfortunate it was. That was funny. My only suggestion is to make it longer.

Kyte sadly this isn't enough to give us an idea . My suggestion is ya work some more description in, it has potential just start differently it's quite cheap. Not a great hook. It's too short for me to say anything postively. Just write more and pm me. I'll look it again once ya've edited it.

Good luck
VSN

'As I did, I caught the barest hint of a reflection in his eyes, and I wondered.'

This part needs to have some more explanation; I don't really understand what you mean by the 'reflection' he sees. I'm guessing it has something to do with dragons? But I'm not really sure.

Also if this is going to be the prologue or first chapter of your book, then it needs to have more description of the scene, and a bit more about how dragons are involved in the plot. Why does Barnabus know so much about dragons?

Well, that's my advice

goodluck with your story

Autumn xx

It was alright besides the spelling/grammar stuff...it really leaves you wondering and wanting more.

Heya Kyte! Shall we have a look?

'Well, they're not. I can tell you a thing about dragons.'

That last bit sounds really cheap, try 'I can tell you a think or two about dragons' or 'many things' or whatever

'A day when you could care less what happens,'

Was that meant to be 'couldn't care less'?

'I thought I saw a glassy flicker out of the corner of my eye.'

I'm unsure about 'a glassy' I'm not reall familiar with that, but it may work! The other thing, was, seperate it from this:

'Anyway, it was one of those days. A day when you could care less what happens, because everyone leaves you on your own.'

with a new paragraph. Otherwise it would go from very slow paced to very fast, and it wouldn't fit.

'It could [s]be[/s] easily be the sun [s]relfecting[/s] reflecting off a window.'

'"Stupid," i muttered to myself.'

Capital 'I'.

'As I did, I caught the barest hint of a reflection in his eyes, and I wondered.'

I just don't really undestand this bit.


Hmm... I'll be blunt, there is almost nothing here to review, and what there is, has been very problematic. Rewrite this bit. I;m sure if you pick out the errors, it will work better but nonetheless, it is VERY jumbled up. Fast paced to slow paced to very fast to quite slow to very very slow to quite fast... It's just very confusing.

Rewrite this bit, and PM me. The plot is a big question mark, and I'm wondering what dragon's have to do with this...

Keep writing, I hope I didn't disocurage you.

~D'Aedomir~