In the semi-darkness, a rat's claw scraped against the rock wall of the tunnel. Nothing but shadows waited the unwary traveler- shadows and holes.
Beryl screwed up his courage. ‘There’s nothing to fear,’ he told himself again. Nobody has been down this route in ages, I bet. Still, the dark seemed to be full of whispering voices.
He tried to sing, but his throat wouldn't form words. No matter; I’ll be there in a moment.
Won’t Opal be surprised! With that thought he galloped forward, straight into a pit.
**
Waking was a pain. He was fairly sure he’d cracked a rib or two.
That’s what you get for rushing ahead, you numbskull. Now, how to get out of here... It was a deep hole he’d landed in; the walls sloped up to near-vertical heights. Obviously there’d be no climbing out of here.
By some stroke of luck, his satchel was intact. Beryl reached into it, almost shouting at the pain. His paw found the reassuring, smooth orb of a lightstone.
By its pale radiance he looked into the darkness ahead of him. It seemed the only way out was a long passageway, which bent downward. He could hear the slow lapping of water.
His first attempt at sitting up left him gasping. Judging by the amount of pain, it might be a while before he could move on.
**
“Opal! It’s about Beryl.”
While Casy caught his breath, other rats gathered around him. This will never do. He cast a pleading glance at Opal, who flicked her whiskers in a covert signal. Even winded, he couldn’t help but admire her- just like every other male.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
This is almost too short to review, but I'll try my best.
I found everything kind of blank feeling, if you get my drift. It just feels like something just written. Just kinda there. There's no emotion in this and we want emotion! Describe things to us, give some extra info...y'know, fun facts! There's little anybody can pull out from this except your MC fell in a hole and wants food from his satchel.
And about that. He kind of just falls...wakes up a sentence later. Add a break or something to let us readers know that time has passed. It was a little confusing for a fraction of a second, but as the author, you don't want that. And anyway, adding a break isn't that hard to do. Enter star thingamajiggy (*).
I really have no idea if you're taking this anywhere. But I suggest you do only because us as readers have no idea what a plot or MC is at the moment. It was kind of just a sketch.
Yours,
Lavvi
Edits first, comments later. This is how my mind works. My anal-retentive ways will not allow anything else. But, as always, feel free to take all with a grain of salt.
///
In the semi-darkness, a rat's claws scraped against the rock wall of the tunnel. Nothing but shadows waited the unwary traveler--shadows and holes.
Beryl screwed up his courage. There’s nothing to fear, he told himself again. Nobody has been down this route in ages, I bet. Still, the dark seemed to be full of whispering voices.
He tried to sing,* but his throat wouldn't form words. No matter; I’ll be there in a moment.
Won’t Opal be surprised!** With that thought he galloped forward, straight into a pit.
(?)
Waking was a pain. He was fairly sure he’d cracked a rib or two.
That’s what you get for rushing ahead, you numbskull. Now, how to get out of here... It was a deep hole he’d landed in and the walls sloped up to near-vertical heights. Obviously there’d be no climbing out of here.
By some stroke of luck, his satchel was intact. Beryl reached into it, almost shouting at the pain. His paw found the reassuring, smooth orb of a lightstone.
By its pale radiance, he looked into the darkness ahead of him. It seemed the only way out was a long passageway, which bent downward. He could hear the slow lapping of water.***
His first attempt at sitting up left him gasping. Judging by the amount of pain, it might be a while before he could move on. In the meantime, there ought to be something edible in the satchel.****
///
*Why? Is that how he deals with problems? If you're not writing more, you'll need to explain that.
**Sort of random, unless you plan on writing more.
(?)--There should be a break here.
***From which direction? Down the tunnel? Is so, why would be go down--if it's all just water-filled?
****Eating when you may have internal injuries is an incredibly bad idea. I'm not sure if he knows that, but, yeah...
Otherwise, I found it interesting. This is going to be some sort of Red Wall sort of thing, perhaps? Or like Warriors? The Sight? Firebringer? *doesn't know what sort of animal* Unless you meant 'hand' by 'paw', which would confuse the readers...like it confused me.
Anyway, I hope to see more and get some loose-ends tied. Otherwise this will be like "Fade to Blue" or "Frozen Fire" and I'll be left saying, "Wait, what?", even if the writing itself, the description mostly, was good.
So, yes, good luck with that and feel free to PM me if you add more on.
Hey! Thought I would review this today.
So, since this piece is so short, I can't really give much of a review. From what I gather this is an excerpt from a longer piece? What I can say is like what you have posted. You left enough questions unanswered so that I want to read on, to try and figure out why your character is in such a desolate place. I also enjoyed some of your descriptions. If you post the full piece, I would be happy to give it a more complete review.
Best of luck,
Audrey