Spark and Fire

by Stori
  • December 17, 2008
  • Short Story
  • Fanfiction

The warriors' chant send a surge of satisfaction through the cat once known as Spark. Around him, cats ranging from plain gray to calico milled around him, calling him by the new name: "Bluefire!"

At the same time, sorrow pierced his heart like a thorn.

This is how they hailed my mother, he thought. No cat hailed three small kits, though.

As if reading his mind, Firestar whispered in his ear, "When you finish your vigil, come to my den. We have much to talk about."

Bluefire nodded. Oh, Starclan. Could ever two such different cats meet? Yet I am his mentor's son.

He felt some cat jostling his shoulder. "Congratulations, Bluefire," said Redfern.

Pride swelled in his chest, negating the sorrow. To have such a cat as my friend... and more.

Hours later, he stood and stretched. The vigil hadn't required any movement; it was more of a time to reflect. He needed that time.

Somehow he had to balance his old self with this new cat named Bluefire.

This will help, he thought. If Firestar could tell him his history, it would be one more piece of the whole.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:25 pm

Hey there Stori, I be here to give you a review =)

"Bluefire! Bluefire!" The warriors' chant send a surge of satisfaction through the cat once known as Spark. At the same time, sorrow pierced his heart like a thorn. [This isn't the most captivating of beginnings and I often suggest avoiding dialogue as a first line. If you set out the atmosphere right from the start, you can lure a reader in until they're lost in your novel. Describe how these warriors look and what they're doing: dancing around a camp fire or crowded around a central group? Describe the level of sound, the heat of their bodies, the clink of their armour if they wear it. Make your reader instantly feel as if they are there.]

This is how they hailed my mother, he thought. No cat hailed three small kits, though.

As if reading his mind, Firestar whispered in his ear, "When you finish your vigil, come to my den. We have much to talk about."

Bluefire nodded. Oh, Starclan. Could ever two such different cats meet? Yet I am his mentor's son.

He felt some cat jostling his shoulder. "Congratulations, Bluefire," said Redfern.

Pride swelled in his chest, negating the sorrow. To have such a cat as my friend... and more.
[Okay so it's difficult to comment on such a short passage but I think you need to set the scene better and you need to give your reader a real feel for who this narrator is. I'm intrigued by the dropping of names but that isn't enough to hold someone's attention, there needs to be a stronger sense of emotion and atmosphere.]

User avatar
Sare Agama
Review
Sare Agama wrote a review · Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:27 pm

More please? I don't think they have ceromonies for kits anyway...

To have such a cat as my frined.

You misspelled friend. :wink:

I don't think you should have this in there.
The warriors' chant send a surge of satisfaction through [s]the cat once known as Spark[/s]


He felt some cat jostling his shoulder.

I don't think jostle works here. Maybe nudge?

Overall, good job!



what are stories if not just vehicles for the pain of your own heart
— soundofmind