Wolves have little concept of "I."
So forgive us if we are forgetful.
Before this story deteriorates, let me introduce myself.
My name's Kora.
"An unusual pup, to be sure." Father's voice echoes loudly in
the small den.
"Ivan, please," Mother whispers, "I just got the pups to sleep."
Warm ad cozy beside her, I close my eyelids tighter.
I don't want them to know I'm awake. They'll tell me not
to listen to grown-up talk.
Father lowers his voice. "I think there is more than one pair
of ears listening."
Caught!
"Thank you, Ivan." Mother licks him- I can hear it- and then she licks me.
"Little one, your ears may be the sharpest here. Take care what
they listen to."
"Yes, Mother." Happy to be scolded so lightly, I add, "We will go
to sleep now."
I keep my promise.
**
Next day, the pale sun warms my coat. My brothers and sisters
stir and whimper: We're hungry!
Sleepily, Mother turns on her side. We each vie for a spot.
I let the others bark and yelp while I start sucking.
"Clever child." Mother says it so softly that I don't know
if she's addressing me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
I have absolutely no objection to literary minimalism, but be warned, as you've probably copped from this lot already, it does take fairly masterful twists of phrase to be as evocative as denser prose, you will probably have to consider this as poetry in terms of attention to rhythm, sonics and imagery in maintaining interest and integrity.
"Wolves have little concept of "I."
So forgive us if we are forgetful."
I do get what you are trying to do here, in trying to distinguish the narrative voice and connect it to your reader. It's a start, it's no longer a scary blank page, and for that be grateful for these lines, but it is currently convoluted. Justify it for me. Suppose I were to say, why? Wolves know the difference between one wolf and another wolf, they do have a strong sense of hierarchy, and for that matter, the idea of 'the lone wolf', so I can understand slipping into a single mindset of collective pronouny goodness if it was the pack together on a hunt for example, but to say that they typically have no individual identity is idealized at best. But this is fantasy, and you can well say that wolves know one from another like your arm knows your leg, part of the same entity, but currently there is no sense of "we", it's all I, individual sensation and personal history. Describe the collective sensations of the pack.
Hi Stori here is the review
Okay here we don't really know what you are talking about. We don't know why the story would deteriorate or why it is so important that you tell us now. We have now background of the narrator.
In that first line it should be and not ad. And I think it would read better if you put a the after the second to in the last line.
I know that you said they don't have a concept of I but by saying we it implies that there is another pup listening also.
There should be quotation marks around We're hungry! because the pups are saying it.
Okay I hope you are going to expand on this because the way you started out I have a feeling this was just a back story. There was nothing here that was said that could deteriorate and if it did it wouldn't really matter. Also it sort of read like a poem. It's not written in normal paragraphs it is in lines. So I was wondering about that. Other than that I thought it was a cute story, nothing spectacular which is why I'm hoping there is more to it. If you add on PM me and I'll take a look.
~peanut~
I think this beginning would be better if it was flipped: Before this story deteriorates... and so on.
Typo: And
How does he know shes still awake?
Take car of what they listen to
I really like the innovativeness of this piece and unlike the others I do think there is a sort of plot here. If you keep going with the whole shes the strange pup idea, different than the others, I think youll have a plot just dicifer how shes different than the rest.
Ok, I don't think it was written for a 6 or 7 year old. And your profile says your 18, so you're clearly old enough to be able to write for a different age group than that. I thought this story was interesting in its detached simplicity, but that's also why it needs to get straight to the point. quickly. A story like this gets repetitive without some sort of driving plot, and i don't think it's something you can carry on for very long. So all in all I thought it was well written, and i think it has the ability to send some really powerful message-- but you need to give us a hook. Ok, those are my thoughts !!!!
#BF0000 ">Valentine
Hello Stori. I am here to review your piece. PM me if you have any questions. I hope this helps.
Hmmm... This seemed very childish and completely boring. NO offense, but it reads like it was written by a 6 or 7 year old. But, if you are that young, then I guess it's good. Maybe you should make it more exciting. It doesn't really have any plot at all.
#BF0000 ">Valentine