Oh man.... it's been years since I read Warriors!
Nice job, I like your short story.
Keep Writing,
~FW~
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"What really happened to Dad?" Fieldpaw whispered.
"No cat knows." Infinite sadness echoed in Hawkstar's voice. "He would've been proud of you."
Fieldpaw digested that for a moment. Then she said, "I'll find him. If he's alive, I'm going to bring him home."
**
Either rabbits are getting faster or I'm slowing down, Bluestripe thought.
"Never mind," laughed Badgerclaw. "There are more where that came from!"
"Don't you ever get frustrated?"
"Not since I was a kit." The younger tom splayed his forepaws in a stretch. "Come on, Stripe ol' boy. Let's head for home."
Stripe ol' boy? When did he start being so cheeky? Bluestripe sighed and turned towards home. He's right, though. They'll be wanting a younger deputy.
(Air's writing)
**
"Where did you last see him?" Fieldpaw asks snuggling up to her mom
"Oh, It was a long time ago, i cant really remember" Hawkstar replies looking at her
"It had to be after I was born though, right?"
"Yes, it was. I just can't understand his reasoning."
"He just ran off? he wouldn't have done that, he couldn't have," she says getting tired. "It wasn't... anything to do with my paws?"
"No one really knows what happened, and I'm sure it wasn't anything to do with you" Hawkstar says, snuggling closer to her kit.
"You do that, just remeber, you have to find him first."
Oh man.... it's been years since I read Warriors!
Nice job, I like your short story.
Keep Writing,
~FW~
#FF0000 ">Red - Grammar/Spelling Change | #4080FF ">Blue - Alternative
"What really happened to Dad?" Fieldpaw whispered.
"No cat knows#4080FF ">..." Infinite sadness echoed in Hawkstar's voice. "He would've been proud of you."
Fieldpaw digested that for a moment. Then she said, "I'll find him. If he's alive, I'm going to bring him home."
**
Either rabbits are getting faster or I'm slowing down, Bluestripe thought.
"Never mind," laughed Badgerclaw. "There are more where that came from!"
"Don't you ever get frustrated?"
"Not since I was a kit." The younger #FF0000 ">Tom splayed his forepaws in a stretch. "Come on, Stripe ol' boy. Let's head for home."
Stripe ol' boy? When did he start being so cheeky? Bluestripe sighed and turned towards home. He's right, though. They'll be wanting a younger deputy.
(Air's writing)
**
"Where did you last see him?" Fieldpaw asks snuggling up to her mom
"Oh, It was a long time ago, #FF0000 ">I cant really remember" Hawkstar replies looking at her#FF0000 ">.
"It had to be after I was born though, right?"
"Yes, it was. I just can't understand his reasoning."
"He just ran off? he wouldn't have done that, he couldn't have," #FF0000 ">She says getting tired. "It wasn't... anything to do with my paws?"
"No one really knows what happened, and #FF0000 ">I'm sure it wasnt anything to do with you" Hawkstar says, snuggling closer to her kit.
Hi, here to review. Okay, so I like this story. It's cool! But there are a few grammar errors.
Nitpicks:
Blue = should be caps. Red = Add comma/periods, other things.
Stori wrote:"Where did you last see him?" Fieldpaw asks#FF0000 ">, snuggling up to her mom#FF0000 ">.
"Oh, It was a long time ago, i #FF0000 ">cant really remeber#FF0000 ">,"
hawkstar replys#FF0000 ">, looking at her#FF0000 ">.
"It had to be after i was born though, right?"
"He just ran off? he wouldn't have done that, he couldn't have#FF0000 ">," she says#FF0000 ">, getting tired#FF0000 ">.
Points: 3820
Reviews: 90
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