Published January 17, 2009
samster: u coming to the show?
kay22: u bet. got tickets?
samster: yeah.
Sam grinned as he tucked his black Motorola phone into his pocket. The expression gave him a rakish charm that was added to by his wind-ruffled hair.
She should be here any minute. If there was anything that Kay Rowan hated, it was tardiness. Sam could picture her face: that fierce line around her eyes; the way her mouth turned down. She would place her hands on her hips, like so.
All right, he thought. They might be almost engaged, but that was out of line. He fingered the ring he'd picked; he'd ask her tonight, after the show.
**
Kay tapped her foot. "Mom, you promised! And Sam's going to be there!"
Her mother sighed. "I did promise, but Kevin has to be watched...."
"I can take him with me! What's the trouble?"
Admitting defeat, Mom slid a five-dollar bill onto the table. "Have fun."
She certainly planned on it. Now, if only she didn't have to bring Kevin...
**
Wonder of wonders, Kay was late. There had been no further messages.
Sam sighed. He hoped she got here soon; the auditorium was already filling up.
As if his thought were a summons, she appeared in the doorway. Her hair was half-braided; her little brother, Kevin, held onto her arm.
"Sorry," she said. "Is the theater full, Foracker?"
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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140,840 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Like those above me noticed, I have a few things to note:
1. In the beginning, I couldn't tell what was going on. I realized after that the characters were texting, but it took me a while to figure that out. I'd suggest putting the text messages in italics.
2. Watch your tense. Through the story, you jumped between tenses a bit. Be careful of that.
Overall, nice work. I liked it.
Thanks, Evi. I believe Foracker is Sam's last name.
Hmm. Yeah, this is really short. And, at the beginning with the texting, I thought you had just suddenly decided to abandon proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar. Until I realized it was a text. I suggest putting that in italics.
You're characters are, so far, flat-ish. Are you continuing this is a longer project? You'd better be. If you aren't, this is rather...ugh. If you are, this can be fixed! There isn't even enough so far for there to really be a problem. I can't tell what the story is going to be about from this first chapter, though. Young romance, obviously. Be careful not to fall into a cliched plot.
I love the 'samster'. Awesome code name for texting.
I didn't understand the 'Foracker' thing at the end, either.
Good luck and keep working on it!
~Evi
EDIT: I didn't realize that I forgot to tell you that I liked it! Don't want to sound harsh and tell you it sucked. Because I liked it a lot.
Hi Stori
Well, this is relatively short. Not a problem!
I would just take out the ellipses here and use a period.
That was the only nit-pick, but overall I'm kind of curious: how old are these characters supposed to be? Obviously they're old enough to get engaged, but why is Kay living with her mother? Apparently they are just barely old enough to get married.
Well, that's about all I can say at this point. PM me if you post more in the future!
*anti-pop
good job!
i can't find anything wrong with it