Published November 21, 2008
"I'm here." The words sounded weak in Tsukasa's ears. He tried again: "I'm here. That's right. I don't have to go back to that ludicrous world. It's better this way."
Quietly the moon looked down on the scene: a lone figure crouching beside a canal. A staff was held loosely in its pale hand.
***
The memories were faint, but still there. A starving kitten. She was smiling as its small, pink tongue lapped up milk. Then the dropper was knocked from her hand. A male figure stood over her...
Tsukasa shivered. He didn't know what those images meant. Didn't want to think about what they meant
The World was his home now.
Short, I know. I'm going to work on the next part and post it soon.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one was a pretty crazy little story that you've got going on. It had some pretty interesting elements to it and there is definitely a really nice sense of mystery around everything that ends up happening here. You've really done a pretty neat job with those descriptions to build that mystery by producing some truly unique images.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was definitely a very intriguing start to this really short piece. As far as descriptions that second paragraph there had an absolutely killer description that makes you feel terrified and excited all at the same time. It seems to be hinting at so much with this whole staff and then the pale hand with a canal thrown in there for good measure. At this point its making me think of rituals and magic and all sorts of things. Great job with that opening there.
And then that second image...umm that one was a little bit more confusing mostly because I think I couldn't quite understand where the man came from and how it relates to the kitten. Maybe I'm just not understanding tis correctly but somehow that image didn't quite tell me as much but it did still seem fairly scary.
And this seems like a pretty cool concept here with it being this person that is experiencing some pretty scaring sounding visions. Definitely a nice concept and maybe a decent prologue to something.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall for a pretty short little snippet like this it definitely conveyed some pretty interesting ideas and the flash of thoughts at the end really did contribute quite a bit to the overall mystery of the piece. And that's about all that I have got to say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry