Young Writers Society

Um. I had some more to this, though I'm not sure what happened to it. As for research, I agree on that score.

I don't care what other people say, I think this is really good.

I'm confused too. At first I thought this was going to be one of those stories where it starts in the present day and the characters are hurled back into some time in the past, but then it just sort of trailed off and died, and yeah... I have no idea how this is historical fiction.

I second fishr's advice about looking into some serious character development. I would also reconsider where this story is currently categorized. Just shoot me a PM if you like it moved.

Happy editing!

I don't care what other people say, I think this is really good.

I don't care what other people say, I think this is really good. It doesn't really fit under the category of historic though, if you are planning on do what i think you are

This piece needs to be cleared up a bit. I might suggest on describing what is going on, where it is happening, etc. Also you might want to continue working on your historic research for the piece so that you really get to feel the period or historical figure. And if this isn't a period piece and it doesn't contain any historical figures or anything then I might suggest that it is in the wrong section.

I was very confused. I had no idea what was going on or who these people were.

You need to spend some time building up your characters and scene. I didn't even know what ime period you were in! You mentioned George Washington, but then you go and say

"Get real. It's 2007 for Pete's sake."

Hmm... umm... confusing?

OK, to be frank, it needs some work.

It was kinda confusing the was that Ubi is Japanese, the letter was written in kanji, wo was going to "kill" who, Jack read it, Ubi was trying to "kill" Jack BECAUSE it was written in kanji?

It is a pretty good piece, but you are on the right track.

BTW, i know where you live XD

Not the most appealing historical-fiction piece I've read. The characters are boring, flat and need some help in the character development department.

The story itself is rather confusing. I had to read it three times to understand, and I'm still at a loss if there was a joke somewhere or not.

I have a few suggestions, but it will require research, as so often this genre requires. Read as much as you can about our enigma, Washington himself. By the way, he was NOT our first President because of the Articles of Confederation. Payton Randolph was our first. Washington was our first President under the Constitution. By learning about him, you'll be able to take our dear President and make a complete mockery of Washington in a humorous, and most delightful way. THAT would be a piece I would love to read about.

Next, if you're truly serious about improving your characters, there is a usergroup called Char Development. Go there, and work on Snoink's activities.

Sorry if I came down as a tad harsh but I am a 18th Century enthusiast, who knows this era, inside and out. To write about any person from this era, expect me to come tackling ya.

Cheers!

You're right. I'm drunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!



hehehehehehehehehehehrehehehehehehrheheheheh.

Ha ha. Very funny Mr. president.

I am not the real person when it comes to history but I think it needs a bit of work.