Jax swore, fervently, in several languages. He didn't even care if they were swear words.
Kuust poked his snout from his warren in the "manhole." "What is it? I haven't heard that kind of cursing since... Well, never!"
He hadn't said, "Since the prison." Jax's talent had actually begun as a prisoner. He'd been sent to a planet so remote it had no name. "The Jail" was all it was ever called.
He'd survived, but at a cost. Now he refused to leave the refuge of Ninth Galaxy. He could always be found with Kuust, who had been his best friend in the Jail.
"Kuust, Jax, it's supper time!" The cheerful voice of Jane Farway, another refugee, floated to them. She had always love the smell of oil, even if she had no mechanical ability.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Short and skimpy.
You've been around here for a while and you must have learned that you get better responses when you post more than 15 lines as Ms. Razor pointed out. This isn't a short story, a flash fiction piece, or a prologue. It just...hangs. As a boring semi-description of nothing. Be patient, my friend. Thou shalt poste only before thou hast writtene more than five paragraphes. Otherwise we don't care.
Awkward dialogue. It's also cliche. Just say something simple like "What's wrong?" This tasty tidbit seemed to be contrived for the sole purpose of introducing the fact that our hero had been in prison. Anyone can see through that, and it automatically makes your story unrealistic. The first principle of fiction writing: make it real.
Can't be any more creative than that?
What talent? Swearing?
Anyway. Can't say I liked it, but that's mainly because there's hardly any story. Like I said, write more before you post.
-Kylan
I agree with Razorblade. This is really short and confusing. I don't know if this is flash fiction, a short story or an intro, or middle of a story. it started right away and ended before anything could be fully explained. I can't really understand what was happening so i can't really give any real advise. Though the title is great, it caught my eye.
Hi there! I've seen you around before, but I don't think I've ever properly introduced myself. I'm Razorblade.
Anyway, this is far too short and disjointed for a critique. You have 15 sentences. Not much to work with. Also, all of the paragraphs seem completely unrelated to one another; there's no real coherence to.
I really need to see more before I can say more.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate