Go you safe
And keep you safe
And come you safe, back to me.
Heed my words, oh traveling daughter.
Go you safe
And keep you safe
And come you safe, back to me.
There are roads and there are paths.
There are times that will not last.
We will laugh when we remember
Those times we lost, a burning ember.
Go you safe
And keep you safe
And come you safe, back to me.
You say you must cross the sea,
To a land that might not be.
Why must you go, leaving me?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Very captivating, except for two points I think you should change. The repetitive-ness of the "Go you safe..." lines are good, but you make it happen twice right after each other in the second paragraph. Every other paragraph seems okay, but I only just read it once, and the "Heed my words..." part does little to separate them.
The second point was about the last paragraph; first two lines. They're just not right syllable-wise. Say it to yourself aloud and put it in a retrospective view with the other lines. See what I mean?
Other than that, nicely done.
The overall meaning of the story, the message you want to put across seems kinda like, "Go out into the world and stay safe and someday come back and I'll miss you terribly but I'm gonna let you go anyways but I'll still be crying my eyes out about it and in my opinion you shouldn't go at all anyways." Did I get it right?
Anyways, a great poem...or song, whatever, without music it doesn't matter.
~Jenth
By the by, who is Jamie?
This is only an introduction because it is super short. I have noothing more to say but if you finnish this song it will be good. But if not then I can not give you a star.