Young Writers Society

This is beautiful. Simple, short, but incredibly beautiful poem. They should ban reviews for the things like this . Nice AABB rhyme and good structure, that's what I like to see in poems today. I hope I'll read more from you soon.

~Bard

Hey there Stori, I decided to review your song, obviously.

I think it would be better with a rhythm, that's the first thing I'm going to suggest. Though I'm sorry if you've been told this already.

The second thing is that it sounds choppy at the end of some lines.

"Remember when", you used to say

We'd never meant to say adieu

^ Are a couple that I felt could have been worded differently to help the flow.

I also think that you should make it longer, and add some person touches to make it seam less cliche. For example add something that's more personal. For example, something like a favorite color, or how you felt when he said goodbye. I have a feeling that I might confuse you with this though, I hope that I'm not. Anyway it would help it be more original.

You also use the line:

My voice when summer fades to fall.

Twice. And in a song if it was a chorus it would be okay to repeat it in the song, but you use it in the first verse and the chorus. So if you could find a way to express that using different words it would be more effective.

Lastly, don't be afraid to put some more emotion in here, it would help listeners/readers relate to it.

It's a great start, and I'd love to read more of it. You have it listed under a song, but it's more of a poem at the moment. And with a little more work it would be an amazing song. Thanks for sharing it with us!

-LifeUnknown

Hey there, CaiJo here for a review. Alright, so I am not the most musical person in the world, although I do love music, but anyway, I was more reading this as a poem since I don't know what rhythm and such you had in mind when you wrote this. I'm sure I'd get a different feeling if I heard music along with this. But, as it is, I liked this.

However, I have a few nitpicks and little things I didn't like so much. I feel like over all, just reading this, it's choppy. Your line breaks are really sudden and seem almost misplaced, and this is enhanced by the rhyming. I don't think there's anything wrong with rhyming, but you have to be careful and make sure it doesn't sound forced. In some places here the rhyme sounds forced, like you just stuck the line in because it rhymed, not because it was a good line. Plus, you used the ending all for your rhyme twice. Why is this? I think if you had the summer turns to fall more than once, like a chorus or something, that would be one thing, but here it almost sounds like you just ran out of things to say.

Also, again, I don't know how this sounds with music, but just reading it as poetry your flow is also choppy in some places. Most of your lines have four feet, but then all of a sudden you have one with only three beats, and I think you had one with five also. This interrupts and takes away from the poem/song.


So, basically, you have a nice concept here, though I think it would help if you added more detail, since this is a little bit cliche and overused, I think you could add a more personal touch and that would really help.

Read through this once or twice more, try and fix up the rhythm and maybe do some more with the rhymes, and add some more detail and imagery, and I think this could be a really awesome piece.

Hope this helps!

cool!

hey i will be reviewing this lovely piece today Now did you think of this yourself? if you did i like it but you missed a lot of punution or you just have really long sentecs wich you should not. And do not just hide your felling come out and express! this is why pepoel write!!

Howdy Stori...i will be reviewing your piece today,please allow me
..
So,this is a great poem though i think you are hiding the emotion...you are not fully expressing yourself...also,the punctuation, i think is somewhat poor...especially on this point...

"Just say my name as you recall

My voice when summer fades to fall."

All in all,you are a great poet,keep it up.