Quick note: Rough draft; would like advice on the transition between scenes.
Natalie
"Hi, Miles."
The river otter raised his tail politely. His normally cheerful face wore a frown today.
"Listen. I know this is the worst possible time, but would you meet me on the beach at, say, seven tonight?"
"A date, right after Dad's funeral?" If a hare could growl, Natalie did.
"N-nothing like that! I just want to give you something- a welcome-home present of sorts."
She looked at David, who nodded.
"Okay, Miles. I'll be there with bells on."
"Great! Er, I'd better get going. I'll see you at seven."
As he walked away, a thought struck her: I've never heard him stammer before.
He tossed another T-shirt on the bed. “Not that one… definitely not the ‘Scares for Hares’ shirt… Wait a minute, what’s this?”
It was faded, but still in good shape. The words “Save Our Seas” had been stenciled onto the navy-blue fabric.
“Yeah, that’ll do.” Humming to himself, Miles slipped it on and tucked it into his jeans. “Now I feel more like myself.”
I've missed the stars, Natalie thought. They're like old friends.
It was ten of seven now, and no sign- wait. There he was, picking his way carefully along the beach. Natalie's heart lifted at the sight of him. Her grief didn't disappear, but for the moment it lessened.
“Hey, Nat! Sorry to cut it so close, but I ran into Sal on the way here.”
“Salika Stoat? How is she? I hope you said 'hi' for me.”
His face fell.
“You didn't?”
“I'm teasing. Yeah, I mentioned that you were home. She said to come on over- Little Sal wants to play.”
Neither of them said anything for a minute. Then Natalie asked, “Where's this present? Or was it just an excuse to catch up on old times?”
Miles almost managed to look hurt. “Aw, Nat, for shame! Have I ever broken a promise to you?” He reached into his jeans pocket and brought out a simple shell necklace.
She recognized it instantly.
They’d been five, give or take. He was building a sand castle when he suddenly snatched something up.
“It’s just a shell, Miles.”
“I know but look at it! Ain’t it pretty?”
“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you crying?” His voice brought her back to the present.
“Sorry. It’s beautiful; thank you so much.”
He kissed her cheek, breath stirring her whiskers. It smelled faintly of peppermint. “Welcome home, Natalie.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,608 Literary Works • 675,141 Reviews
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Okay, Stori, I'm gonna tell it to you straight: I suck at transitions myself. I wrote a piece called "Balloons," whose time transitions were so bad, they didn't even exist. I felt like I knew what I was talking about, so I didn't feel the need to put transitions in there.
So I had no problem following your story, even without the transitions. I understood when the scene had changed, I understand the flip from reality to memory and I didn't have a problem with it. If you really wanted to, you don't have to put transitions in there at all! Writers' rules are made to be broken. Take Cormac McCarthy, for example. In his book All the Pretty Horses he never once used a pair of quotation marks. It drove everyone nuts but he had a point: the characters just didn't need them. It gave a lot of life to his writing, in my opinion. So if you really struggle with writing transitions, just don't!
But if you really want to write some transitions, I shall help you.
Rule #1: Start with a time. If you want to go from one place to another or from one time to another, the way you do at the top, say something like, "7:30 rolled around and Miles still couldn't find anything to wear." That little phrase is like a little mini lifeguard on a beach screaming, "WATCH OUT! WE'RE ABOUT TO CHANGE THE SCENE!"
Rule #2: Start with a place. If you're not going from time to another time, use the same format as rule 1 but with a place instead.
Rule #3: Start with a thought. If you're switching characters, start out with the new character's first thought. Maybe Natalie is thinking this is all a trick? Maybe she's wondering what it's all about? If you give the reader an insight into the new character's mind, they'll be more interested in what comes next– but you already know that, you're more experienced than I am, after all.
Rule #4: Whatever you do, DO NOT use the phrase, "such and such hours later," because it is B-O-R-I-N-G and L-A-Z-Y. Don't do it. Readers don't want to read that. Readers want to watch the time go by, or "roll around," they don't want to be told the time goes by. That's like inviting a friend to a baseball game, and then sitting on their lap so they can't see, and telling them what's going on. Don't do it.
Those are my rules for transitions. I'm sorry I had no specific nitpicks for this piece, mostly because I have none to give. I hope this helps!
I'll give your fabulously budding piece of art seven stars out of ten. Great job! Keep writing, and keep me updated on any new updates for this, because I LOVE talking animals!
Hey, Asteria here with a review!
The first thing that I noticed is the formatting in this piece. For the most part, it's not jarring in the slightest. There are a few places, though, that it looks as though a word or the tail end of a sentence is a separate entity from the rest of its thought. For example:
If you take that extra line out between "at" and "say", along with "of" and "sorts", it'd flow just that much better and look cohesive.
Now, to address the note in the very beginning, that you were uncertain of the transition between scenes, it feels...like an afterthought. In all honesty, I can't tell which transition (or if it's both) that you're referring to: the time lapse between when Miles saw Natalie to when they met up again, or the transition from memory to reality later down. The former isn't as bad, but I had a hard time following what was memory and what wasn't in this passage:
It took me a bit, but perhaps another form of formatting would have made that clearer, the use of italics perhaps? Or, if italics aren't something you like the appearance of, elaborating a bit on her recognition of it, saying that it took her back to the exact moment she'd seen it, going straight into the memory and then back out of it.
Simply my thoughts, of course.
The dialogue read genuine and natural, so you get definite credit for that. In some stories or pieces that I've read, the conversations can read very...scripted, which makes it hard to stay in the moment. This didn't have that issue.
Overall, you did a great job. Just a little bit of formatting would bring your piece to the next level, along with taking a look at that transition, and you'd be perfectly golden.
I can't wait to read more from you! Job well done.
Thanks for your kind words. I'd also like to address the next scene.
Natalie returns home and we cut to the next scene. I want to show that the whole beach scene actually happen, but the best I could think of was "She walked home in a daze." Not very interesting, is it?
Hmmm...walking home in a daze would leave a bit to be desired. Perhaps devote the next scene to a full exploration of the beach scene, something more than a quick cut to a memory.
Otherwise, I'm certain you'll figure it out, and I'll be waiting with bated breath to read it.
It's definitely got potential, but we need to figure out how to convey what you've got in your head to those who can't see it quite as clearly.
If ever you need a sounding board, feel free to write me