Solace
Jacob stained his ears. Where had that lonely sound come from?
He let his senses expand, touching different lives....
Someone was in pain. It wasn't a human. Jacob gasped.
Homing in on the signal, he passed several people. He nodded to them.
The town of Newport, Rhode Island was quiet on this Saturday morning in 1830. Talk was mostly about relations with Britain. He paid it little mind.
The feeling was stronger. He tried to reassure the animal, but it shied from his mental touch. A dog, he realized.
On a small back street he found her. She was a big beast, probably of the Lab family. “Shh,” he said.
It was an odd place to pray. Still, Jacob knelt in the road, head bowed.
What are you doing?
He concentrated, feeling the strange lightness that came with addressing his Father.
The dog sniffed. She raised her head weakly.
Is your God answering? I do not feel any better.
“Amen.” He stood slowly. His knees ached, but Jacob considered it well worth the pain. “Get up, my friend.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I thought this piece was definitely acceptable, but its main, overall problem is the transition. We're told things, but we don't know why, and we don't know why we're supposed to feel the things the character is feeling because you haven't let us become familiar with his character.
Here, for example:
You've moved too fast. Considering you're attempting to show the audience Jacob's shock, why not show his thoughts of it? It will let us become more familiar with Jacob, while also smoothing the transition.
Jacob might be in denial, like: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Through thoughts, we can get a higher perspective into Jacob.
There, you've switched from Jacob's shock to what I can only describe as being a cool collectedness. You haven't showed us anything in between. His thoughts, feeling - where are they? While showing emotions can be effective, you also need to show us the result of the emotions, e.g - what did he because he felt shocked?
I won't point out any more transitioning issues because, from what I've pointed out above, I think you're more than capable of doing it.
I liked your concise sentences; it builds up tension cleanly. Just be careful to put the emotional impact in, too.
Hello Stori, I shall be your reviewer for tonight and tomorrow.
You meant 'strained'I said I would be your reviewer tomorrow because right now I am about to go away from the computer for a while, and it is very late. It may look like I am online, but I assure you, I will not be for about an hour or so.