Heart Murmurs ch. 1

Why weren't my legs walking? I mewed unhappily, answered by no one. Where were they all? The plain looked so empty without them- high, white clouds, a prairie dog burrow...

I sat, looking at my front paws. They were fine; I was what what Mother called "healthy." But where was she? I mewed again, and thought I heard an answer. Could that be Daren?

"Hey, there you are, Jinks!" He skidded to a stop. "We were worried; are you all right?"

I mumbled, "Guess so."

He sniffed me from nose to tail. "You smell all right. Come on, the others are waiting." I followed a few steps behind, feeling that odd twinge again. It wasn't in my paws or legs.

Mother fussed over me, of course. She warned me that a fox or badger could easily kill a stray kitten, so I should stick close. The whole time I wanted to say, I'm trying.

Daren twitched his nose, saying silently, I'll look out for you. I nodded ever so slightly.

**

Safe in our den, I lay stretched out in a tiny clear space. The twinge was gone for now.

"You're it!" A paw poked my side, then Eterni jumped away. I sighed.

"Can I stay out this time? I need to think. Sorry." She backed away, not seeming disappointed.

Closing my eyes, I tried to think of where exactly the feeling came from. Was it here... no. Maybe there. I opened my eyes.

"Are you feeling well, Jinks?" Mother's eyes somehow managed to show everything she thought.

"What's right here?" I pointed to the spot with my muzzle.

She smiled. "That's your heart, dear."

My heart. That was the problem. I thanked her, then went back to thinking.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hey :) I'm Truth, nice to meet you, and I shall review your work today. First of all, pardon my rustiness, I haven't been on here for a while. So here it goes :)

Alright, well first off, there's the beginning with the empty field and the MC being alone. With you portraying him/her as a child, it would be nice to maybe elongate this part and add some anxiety and play with the emotions and such while deepening the feeling of something being not quite right with its body. Now, I would understand if you would decide to go with something else, you're the master, of course. This is my suggestion. Though, it would be nice if you would make this longer somehow.

The plot... I cannot really comment on just right now since you haven't given me something to give me an idea of it in this short piece. But this looks like a nice beginning; kind of kiddish with a nice underlay of meaningful. I'm curious what you'll do with it. This is a really nice and original idea.

The grammar looks nice. Only a couple mistakes.

1. The first sentence... it should be changed to 'Why weren't my legs moving?'
Legs can't walk, it's the person or animal that walks, the legs only move to permit it.

2. I've only spotted one verb tense mistake... Find it ;)

Keep on writing!

-Truth-



As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun