Charm Wars part 1

It is not bad. I think it is a good beginning though you don't know what's going on. I mean,first the imp, then the others. Maybe if I read the second part it will make sense but still,
not bad

The homuculus smiled as it drew in power. Now the mortals would see! It grinned, its little heart racing.

That bumling professor had no idea what he created. Now he would see. It grinned widely, its impish face turning ghoulish.

"And one... Two... Three!" It lauched the spell, lurching back from the recoill. "Now we'll see... We'll see!" The imp danced and sang, chanting the pharse: "We'll see..."

The homuculus smiled as it drew in power. Now the mortals would see! It grinned, its little heart racing.

**I think you need to make the beginning sentence a littl emore gripping as to draw in your readers. This first part confused me a little.

That bumling professor had no idea what he created. Now he would see. It grinned widely, its impish face turning ghoulish.
**I don't think the word bumling works here.

"And one... Two... Three!" It lauched the spell, lurching back from the recoill. "Now we'll see... We'll see!" The imp danced and sang, chanting the pharse: "We'll see..."
**Recoil. This part really doesn't seem that important, I mean we barely know this character or what's it's talking about, so this seems a little bland.

Tom jerked awake. He snatched at his amulet, where it lay glowing on his night stand. "Hello?"
**Snatched up sounds better because it sort of sounds like he missed it when you say snatched at.

"You need to get out here. Don't ask questions!" The squeaky voice could only belong to one person: Sil, his fairy.
**If you want Sil's words to sound rushed as I'm sure you do then you should be it all into one sentence. i.e. "You need to get out of here, don't ask any questions!" Also when you said: "The squeaky voice could only belong to one PERSON: Sil his FAIRY." It sounds sort of awkward when you say person and then fairy. Maybe just say being instead of person?

"Sil, what's go..."

"There's no time! Hurry!"

Dressing hastily, Tom hung the amulet over his neck. "Time," he muttered, and the gold lit up. Two hours to dawn, he read.

**I'm confused here. Did the amulet show him the time...or was it a clock or something?

Sil was waiting outside. He scooped her up and asked in a rush, "What is it?"
**Where's outside? You need to describe the surrounding. It would make the overall piece seem a lot less rushed.

"Put me down! There's a powerful spell coming this way. Don't ask me who sent it. I don't know!"

**This part seems a little choppy. Most likely that can be fixed by simply combine some parts and adding a comma in between.

They hurried into the woods. Tom kept tight hold of the amulet, unil it burned his hand. The spell was close.

**M'kay, we JUST found out that they're in the woods. For all your readers know, he could have walked out into his manicured back yard and scooped up a fairy creature in front of all his neighbors. Describing where your characters are helps a lot with both the overall story and also their personality. Which reminds me, what do your characters look like? Is he tall or short? Athletic or lazy? When he woke up was he still exhausted and slightly annoyed my the disturbance or was he used to this kind of thing? Was his room a mess or was everything put in it's exact place. This information really develops your characters and makes it easier for your readers to get attached to them.

He pulled his scarf tightly around his neck. Sil fluttered down to rest in his hair. She was panting, and her light was dim with weariness. "I think- I think we outrun it."

"Whoo, no! Magic is here! Whoo!"

An owl flew screeching from the big oak, repeating, "Whoo, what to do?"

**Okay...did the owl just talk or did I read that wrong?

Tim cursed and launched a Silence charm. The owl saw it coming and dodged, "whoo"ing for all it was worth.

"Dratted bird, be quiet!" Sil shrieked. The owl complied. "Can't get sense out of him, I guess. I think the danger is past."

Just to be sure, Tim lit his amulet. The forest was calm, undisturbed by magic. "That's good," he whispered.

Suddenly a tiny hand clamped down on his mouth. "Got you, human!"

"Sil, what... NO!" Tom screamed as he was flown away.

**I like the ending. It makes me want to read more. Altogether this was great for the beginnings of a story but remember to add a lot more description. Tell me when you've written more to this so I can keep up and PM me if you have any questions!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Kyte wrote:Ok, what's a POTC? I know what you mean about him having no personality... This was a fluke from the start.

Ok, what's a POTC? I know what you mean about him having no personality... This was a fluke from the start.

Ok the piece itself felt rushed and it is plagued with cliches. I'll tell you why.
The first line itself felt generic for a fantasy. It was like this evil overlord guy doing his "Mwhahahaha you shall all die, mortals (continues evil laughter). It felt stale at best.

Next, you have your main character waking up and then rubbing the amulet. That sounds very much like POTC. I don't mind the amulet part, but what I didn't like was that you had to use a dream to show the reader of a possible conflict. That's just taking the easy way out and it's been done to death.

Now for your main character. Tom had no personality period. He had no personality in him and lacks any (if all) thoughts and emotions that distinguishes character. You need to show us more on that. Otherwise, I couldn't care less on what happens to Tom.

There was hardly any descriptions in this and I couldn't relate myself with the story very strongly.

Overall, it was rushed and cliche. Spend some time making this longer, showing more on the character, setting and the plot itself. Do not start a story with a dream as that's just been done to death. And don't get me started on the POTC part. Allow us to relate with the story but more importantly, your character.

I hoped that helped.

Hi there Kyte. First off, this is a little short and it feels rather rushed but I love the magical element it has. Starting with the dream/ vision isn't such a great idea. Perhaps you could have a short scene with Tim before he goes to bed so the reader gets to know him first. Also, a little bit more description of scenery and characters would be nice. I'd love to know more about the fairy's appearance. The part with the owl was good though. The trouble is, I think your owl character is more developed than the fairy so far so try to add some more characterization and such. A few specific suggestions too -

That bumling [I think foolish or misled would be better. Something a little less colloquial and strange.] professor had no idea what he had created.

"And one... Two... Three!" It lauched the spell, lurching back from the [s]recoill[/s] recoil.

Tom kept tight hold of the amulet [You use tight not much later and 'Tom retained a firm grip on the amulet' might sound better.], [s]unil[/s] until it burned his hand.

The owl saw it coming and dodged, [s]"whoo"ing[/s] hooting for all it was worth.

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Overall, short and needs more description but it has good potential and you should certainly keep working on it.