Interior Emotion/Dialogue: Part Three:
A second after Dane landed, Kendra appeared out of thin air a few feet away, long black hair tied in a pony-tail, and sat down on a rock facing the little, softly glowing, gravely space that was their side Gate. Dane nodded to her and sat down on a log, glancing at Ryan throwing rocks at a chattering squirrel up in the treetops a few yards away.
A moment later Tyler, a massive 20 year old with enough muscle for a cow, and his cousin, Maria, materialized and took up their places on either side of Kendra, waiting for Jason and Cross, their two seniors to arrive.
Hurry up! Dane growled inwardly, wishing that the Gate would speed up a bit and they could get on their way back to town . . . and a good bath.
"Good work back there . . ." Tyler said, stepping up in front of Dane and pulling his hood back to reveal a scarred, friendly face, framed in short brown hair.
Dane smiled to himself, hey Tyler. Tyler was strong, but in comparison to a mutant (Or a half-mutant in Dane's case) he was rather pathetic - though they didn't hold anything against each other for the fact." T'was nothin." He shrugged off the compliment.
Ryan grinned, desisting from trying to hit the squirrel." Was not! The way you took down those guards . . . whew! With only a rock too!" He dropped down next to Dane, sitting on the end of the log.
Suddenly there was a soft pop, Jason and Cross appeared, talking in lowered tones.
Jason was 22, Cross was 21. Jason was three-quarters German, six-two, with 195 pounds of solid muscle, Cross was five-three, Hispanic, and weighed somewhere around 100 pounds - but they were still best friends.
The others instantly moved to get up and head down the hill toward the highway where their van waited, but Jason stepped forward, a worried look on his face." Ah, guys! It appears that we have a slight problem."
Cross shook his head, raking his fingers through his long black hair." Two actually."
Jason frowned over at him." Two? What's the second one?"
Cross shrugged." Just the fact that you disobeyed Weston and went all the way to Dernland to save Dane . . . Don't expect him to just give you a pat on the back and say 'good job'!" Weston was the senior Senetran soldier who was in charge of the group (Though he rarely went out on missions with them).
"Uh, you disobeyed orders to help me?!" Dane was shocked, in all his life he'd never known Jason to disobey Weston, whom he looked up to and respected. He felt a surge of gratefullness come up in him, and he suddenly felt very fond of his friends.
"Direct orders." Tossed in Kendra helpfully.
Jason glared at his sister, and then turned to his friend." Thank-you for pointing that out Cross! Dane, if you want we can go right back and hang you up over that lava again!" He slammed his dagger into it's sheath." But we have a MUCH bigger problem!"
"What?" Asked Ryan.
"Let me guess," Tyler said." The Mutants followed us up to the Gate and put some kind of spell on us so they could follow us here - or worse - overheard the gate password." The password used to open the Gate was entrusted only to Jason, seeing as should it become property of the Derns, they could get anywhere on earth with ease - which would cause irreversable damage, and possibly the loss of Senetra's control of earth.
Jason shook his head." Not quite that bad, though that's not impossible" A worried looked crossed his face but he quickly shook it away. Slowly he turned to Dane, an uncomfortable look in his eyes." That Dern, the one who knocked the big one out of the way . . . I think I know who he is!"
Dane gulped." Um, I think I might too . . ."
The others (Except for Cross) frowned, not understanding." Who is he?" Kendra asked.
"His dad!" Jason growled, jabbing a finger at Dane.
Dane never appreciated it when his friends brought up the subject of his family. They didn't hold anything against him because of his father, he knew that, but he knew that they wanted to, guys, really . . . I'm not my fathers son. If only his father had been anything but a murdering cutthroat mutant!
" Jensen Link?!" Sputtered Maria, stepping forward and breaking the shocked silence that had followed Jason's announcement." You're saying that Jensen Link is back?" She shook her head and threw up her arms." Why the hell did he save us!"
Jason sighed." Because of him." He pointed at Dane. Shut up! Dane wanted to yell, but he held his tongue." What I want to know is if he knows who Dane is, and what he plans on doing if he does! Hell! I want to know what he's doing point-blank-period! From what I know of Link, and I know a lot more than most, he cared a lot about his family and won't be one to sit around in a situation like this!"
He knows, a voice in the back of Dane's head spoke, he'll come for you. . . He's not a bad person, you know that! But he knew it would be very un-wise to utter the words anywhere near people who had had family members killed by his father's orders." Look . . . Guys, he may be my dad, but I'm not going to like -um - join him."
Cross grinned and gave him a friendly shove." We know."
Jason smiled and nodded." Yeah, we didn't even think of it! What I was thinking was that I think it's time we knew a bit more about him . . .? Do you remember anything about him Dane?"
Dane froze suspicously and gave an almost imperceptible nod, a little." Not much. . . but some."
Jason nodded." Good, we can talk about it later." He turned to the others and took a deep breath." I just wanna say something right now: Ya gotta remember, even though the mutants want to exterminate humanity, some of them have some pretty good reasons! You gotta remember that it was us Senetrans who butchered Link's family, took his son, and burnt his home to the ground . . . Don't hate them too much, it never'll do you any good."
Cross nodded." Yeah, but it was them who started it all!"
Jason shook his head." You should read more history Cross before you try to talk about it! It was us who started it . . . We were the one's who started this war, not them! Us!" He held up his hands to keep them silent for a couple more moments." I'm just saying. Don't hate them! Fight them, kill them, but don't hate them . . . You'll only be hurting yourself!"
Ryan looked up, looking confused." But aren't they all like . . . controled?"
Kendra nodded and answered." Some of them are, yeah, but a lot of them did get over the effects of the spell, though they're still outcasts to humanity . . . they didn't have anywhere to go so they just stayed with the rest of their people!"
"Why do we fight them then?" Ryan asked Jason weakly, the others looked on, obviously awaiting his answer.
Jason sighed." Because neither side'll back down and admit that at the end of the day . . . we're all pretty much equal. . . ."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Ok, as your Secret Santa, I wanted to do something special. So I read the previous chapters and I'm going to review this one (also because I stink at poetry). I am starting to really like where all this is going. You're a fan of war or really like writing about it. That much I can tell. Up till now, I've begun to understand things a lot more. Things are clearing out for me, actually, I didn't feel confused from the beginning. It was all a mystery to me, yes but I was excited to know more. (Btw, prev chap, being chained to the roof with boiling lava below, AWESOME!)
This chapter sort of slows down a little compared to the previous chaps but goes no where near relaxing the reader yet, which is good, keep that up. There are still so many things that are going on and that need to be figured out. The special thing about this chapter is that it brings out more of the friends' characters. I can relate to them more, they're no longer some strange cloaked figures who were desperately fighting to get out of that place. They have names and personalities which are beginning to show. (For once I can pronounce the names correctly)
I like the big chunk of suspense here. Most times it's too much but at the pace things are progressing, I think it's fine. I understand about the wars, the history, a little bit, and also about Dane's past more. As the main character, he's interesting, willing to support his friends rather than take his own father's side. It makes the story all the more exciting. I hope you post another chapter soon. Keep writing. =]
XD, Thanks!
Back again as well
I liked this chapter. It showed the relationship between the members of this group. It did seem a bit strange that Jason recognised Dane's dad. It would be a bit more realistic, in my opinion, if Dane was the only one who relaised this. I liked the brief explanation of history that wasn't too detailed.
Throughout this chapter, as the people spoke, sometimes commas were lacking. Read the voices out loud and look for where you pause for breath. There either needs to be a comma or a full stop there.
But there are a lot of loose ends. Although this history explaination was good, it was a tad confusing. And I wonder how Jensen came back from the dead? Apart from that though - all good and nice narrative in there.
Deanie x
Well, Jensen Link is kinda a super famous warrior . . . hard not to recognize.
I'll explain more later!
Thanks again!
Back again! This looks like it's the last chapter up for now
Best of luck, and if you post more and let me know I might review them too x)
As you can already tell, I pretty much start with the comments right away as I start reading and then end with my overall impression x)
Okay, so this paragraph:
"Dane smiled to himself, hey Tyler. Tyler was strong, but in comparison to a mutant (Or a half-mutant in Dane's case) he was rather pathetic - though they didn't hold anything against each other for the fact." T'was nothin." He shrugged off the compliment."
I dunno, it seemed a bit rude for Dane to think of his friend as pathetic in comparison to himself. I mean so what if Dane was born all half-mutant and awesome. But then he says they don't hold anything against each other... ok sure, but then don't think of him as pathetic x)
This is also odd to me:
Jason was 22, Cross was 21. Jason was three-quarters German, six-two, with 195 pounds of solid muscle, Cross was five-three, Hispanic, and weighed somewhere around 100 pounds - but they were still best friends.
Just the end where you say "...but they were still best friends." Almost like it's odd for two people of different ethnicity to become friends?
And yeah, the whole part at the end, where they talk about how SOME are still being controlled, some aren't, it was actually them who started the war, it's all pretty confusing. So, who are the good/bad guys? The way they make it sound, it doesn't exactly matter, they're just going to kill the other side no matter what because oh well, someone needs to end the war.
Also, last chapter you had a flashback about how Dane's father got killed, but now you're saying his father is alive. So I'm confused about that too.
Overall, I still am enjoying reading this, but there are a few things that should be cleared up
There'll be an explanation for these things later on.
Understand that most of the problems and confusion here comes from the fact that I've done a LOT of planning on this story, and I just know too much for my own sake. . . .
Thanks again!