I took everyone's suggestions and i think it's at least a little bit better.
Tear streams flowed,
drip by drip.
Clear liquid defied
the deep maroon.
With every scream,
she dug deeper.
Strength weakened,
with each push.
'This is good",
her hands let go.
Her mind was hazed,
as crimson poured.
Her Black ringlets,
were dyed cherry.
No regrets lingered,
inside her mind.
Nothing, nothing
to live for, there.
Blood had drenched
everything on her.
Her life was based on
white lies and hatred.
Nobody ever listened,
not one cared.
Punished for good,
and bad decisions.
Damned if she did,
damned if she didn't.
She was hanging onto
her span by a string.
The pain was
simply not there.
Her body was numbed,
she felt empty.
A silver blade lived
deep in her soul.
Scarlet engulfed her
last living moments.
Slowly her heartbeat
went on and on.
At last her final
breath of life arrived.
She smiled half-heartedly,
"My one escape."
She began to fall,
and slumped into red.
Her pale eyes drooped,
Her soul drifted far away.
A smile was spread,
across the face of death.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,692 Literary Works • 673,622 Reviews
Wow.
That was pretty good, but kind of depressing. Personally, I like the longer stanzas. My mind can't always go with the really short lines. I have short attention span. Your grammar was good too. I think all of it was good.
Uh, well, just one thing...
The comma should be inside the quotation marks, and also you used one quote at the beginning and two at the end...?
That's all I noticed.
thank you chirantha I took some of your suggestions while editing.
Anyone else?
If so please be truthful and tell me if it's bad or not okay?
Thanks you guys are awesome!
Mackenzie
Great poem. It's greatly written. I think I agree with Gracee that this was a emotional poem. But a start of the poem is a bit not well written.
You could change this to make it more better. Something like 'Tear streams flowed, drip by drip' It's just a suggestion. You can make it more better. But change it all the same.
There should be a 's' after regret.
This should be 'Her life was based on'
I really liked this part of the poem. Greatly written
Well, as I said, I liked this poem. It had a sort of good style with it. Well, well done.
And good luck.
Wow thanks for the great advice, I'll definitely work on that. I'll be sure to make it longer when i edit it just for you lordgluzman
I'm so happy everyone likes it and I do know it needs a bit of work. Thanks so much xGraceex I really like using powerful words, they just speak to me :]
Don't worry everyone I will probably edit it very soon
Thanks so very much.
With all due respect,
Mackenzie
It was really good,but it was too short I HATE SHORT POEMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
they drive me nuts. If you put all the lines together and you wonet put that much space your poem will be short.
But I still liked it. If it would have been longer it would have been AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I loved it! very emotional, very sad, i love the last part where you say her pale eyes droop
the word scarlot is also good, instead of just saying blood you used something to distract the reader, to make them think "what is scarlot?" and then you say it again then they realise
great poem, i liked how you spaced each line out so they stood out
woa! this is astounding! it's powerful and really gets the message across! good job on that! Im not really the type of person for these kinds of poems... nervertheless I can still see its really good! There are a few rough spots, all of them should be easily fixed! Keep it up! your a great writer!