Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Hi! So this is barely edited and admittedly, it's the first time I've written something proper in a few months. Also, I'm not planning on calling it 'American Dream', I just didn't have a titles and went to my ITunes and found something to make do. Anyway, rip it to shreds.
On the upside, Felix hadn't been tortured yet.
The mind-numbing terror that came along with being kidnapped had started to fade after hours an d hours of trying to get his eyes to adjust to the darkness, banging on walls and yelling at doors and air vents he couldn't even see.
He had no idea where he was. It was damp, the roof was leaking with what Felix prayed was water and not something worse. He'd felt around the walls repeatedly and he was pretty sure the entire thing was metal. There was one door, but he hadn't wasted his time trying to open it. Instead he'd screamed for help until his throat was horse, he was ashamed to admit he'd even cried.
Felix hoped it was a prank, that someone had decided to kidnap the President's son as a sick prank, but he'd been down here too long for it to be a joke. He guessed he'd been down here for five, maybe six hours, but he'd woken up here so he didn't know for sure.
Did anyone even know he was gone? Did his parents think he was out, or in his room? Or was the news of this kidnapping all over the front page of every national newspaper now. Was anyone even looking for him?
He retired to the back of his cell, since that was what he was assuming it was. He'd spent the last hour pacing backwards and forwards and decided if he was going to be stuck in here any longer he was going to go insane. But now he gave up and slumped against the metal wall, sitting in a patch of gathered water.
He was probably underwater. Or on a boat. But he was probably underwater, really deep down in the Atlantic somewhere, where he couldn't be found. A voice in his head told him to calm down and stop being over dramatic and that if he really had been left at the bottom of the Atlantic in a metal box he'd already would have run out of oxygen and died, it wasn't reassuring to him in the slightest.
And then there was the obvious question of why, why had he been kidnapped and thrown in some metal box in the sea, or on a boat or wherever? For money? Or some political move? They were the two obvious reasons, or had he really pissed someone off? Felix could be annoying, sometimes a little too obnoxious and he could go as far a bit pretentious but he was sure he hadn't done anything to deserve this.
He let out a long sigh.
He'd have to wait this out. Someone would have to come along soon and someone would have to notice he's missing and then hopefully someone would come come after him. Hopefully they were trying to keep him alive so they'd have to bring him food. If they did, he could try and fight his way out.
That was a terrible idea. Felix was a terrible fighter, he could throw a semi-decent punch and that was about it. And whoever had taken him weren't armatures since Felix guessed it wasn't easy to break into The White House and kidnap the President's teenage son.
Then he realised he couldn't even remember how he got here. Had they taken him from his home? Even the last memory of whatever he was doing was blurry. He pictured himself sitting at his desk reading over something, that was the last thing he could remember, but he wasn't sure if that actually happened and he was just imagining it because it seemed plausible. He'd been hit over the head with something, he could feel the patch of dried blood on his forehead and the stinging had faded to a dull ache. Felix assumed that had something to do with the memory loss.
He tried to remember, if he could, he could try and picture who had taken him, even though if they weren't sloppy, they would have worn a mask, sure that if it was someone he knew he would still recognise them.
Felix wasn't sure if he was taking this seriously enough. Part of him wanted to carry on screaming at the thin air but he'd done that already, his palms still stung from hitting the walls in the unsuccessful hope of finding a way out so what else could he possibly do apart from sit in silence and wonder if he was going to die or not?
God, that would be terrible. He wasn't even old enough to drink yet, he'd only done one year in college, and yeah, a good part of America was in ruins but his Mum was getting things back on track after the riots. He couldn't die. He wasn't going to die.
A sudden rush of determination flooded through him but he stayed crouched against the wall unsure of what to do before he realised he could hear something. It was barely audible but up until now everything had been completely silent apart from drops of water falling onto metal. Felix couldn't make out if it was footsteps or something else. Suddenly, there was a long bang like something was thrown against a wall, then another, until it faded to the footsteps.
The grew a little louder until Felix realised that whoever or whatever it was currently stood on the opposite side of the door.
“Felix, I suggest if you're anywhere near this door, get away from it” Footsteps said, Felix said. He recognised the voice, he had too, whoever it was knew his name, but he couldn't place it. It was a girl, she spoke with a southern accent in a tone what would usually make him want to cower in fear. Instead he stood up, realising he was sat directly across from the door.
Felix hurried into the corner, he heard a click from the other side of the door and then what he was sure was an explosion followed by the unknown girl cursing. He looked over, in the darkness he could see that the door hadn't seemed to budge, but luckily, a second later, it pushed open and she stepped into his vision. She turned on a flash light and focused it on him, he squinted until he grew accustomed to the light and could finally see her.
For a moment he didn't recognise her.
Of course he wouldn't recognise her, they hadn't seen each other in seven years. Since they were twelve. She was only a little taller than she had been, but she'd always been small. Her blonde hair was tied back into a tight ponytail when it used to hang down her shoulders in French plaits when they were kids.
“Alex?” Felix asked, not moving from his spot in the corner even though the look on her face told him they were in a hurry.
“I have no idea who you're talking about” She said, sarcasm lacing her tone. Felix half-expected her to smile but her expression stayed neutral, if anything, bitter. “Now will you hurry up and follow me” She demanded, Felix nodded, unsure of what else to do except from hurry after her as she left the room, illuminating the corridor she'd come down.
The corridor was completely metal too. Further down Felix could see two figures slumped against the wall, assuming their unconscious state was something to do with the banging Felix had heard. “Are they dead?” Felix asked Alex, she flicked the torch over them as she walked ahead.
“Maybe, depends how hard they hit the head. Do you care?” She said coldly. Felix questioned his morals, they'd kidnapped him and locked him in a box, his head still hurt too, no, he didn't care.
Alex walked ahead, Felix struggled to keep up, almost tripping up over the legs of one of the unconscious men. He was sure she had head and swore he saw her shaking her head. “Why are you here?” He asked her.
“I'm here to save your sorry ass, why do you think I'm here?” Alex replied, still not turning around to face him. Felix rolled his eyes, he'd hoped the reunion with the girl he'd been best friends with as a kid was under better circumstances. Even though he'd never thought he'd actually see her again.
She'd dissapered along with her father when he was twelve. Her father had worked closely with his mother during her presidential campaign and Felix and Alex had spent almost every day together, even after Felix's mother was elected, Alex and her father spent most days in the White House.
He'd never found out why. He'd pestered his mum about Alex's disappearance for months but he never got any closer to figuring it out. So he'd forgotten about it, because what else could he do? Hoping that by some strange turn of events they'd maybe see each other again.
By 'strange turn of events' Felix hadn't meant getting kidnapped only for her to save him.
“Still getting yourself into trouble, I see?” Alex continued. Felix didn't see how getting kidnapped and locked up god knows where classed as 'getting himself in trouble', he scowled as he caught up with her again and narrowly dodged a steel pipe above his head.
“Not the damsel in distress you used to be, I see?” Felix said, imitating the girls tone. For a split second she stopped and turned around, glaring at him, Felix just shrugged his shoulders and raised an eyebrow as if to tell her two could play at this game.
For moment Felix was terrified she was going to punch him, and she'd already managed the render two guys unconscious, or dead since in her words 'it depends how hard they hit their head' and the look in her eyes terrified Felix. Instead, she turned back around and continued to walk until the y reached a door that had the same explosive attached to it that the door where he was locked up had. “You blew that door off too?” He asked as they walked through it and approached a spiral staircase.
“It's an old building, the doors aren't electric so I couldn't hack into them” She answered, Felix didn't say anything since Alex made it sound like hacking into doors was completely normal and it scared him a little.
“Where are we anyway?” He wondered aloud, looking around as they walked up the staircase. Once they reached the top they came to another corridor, but it was short and straight. At the end there was another door, that was open and lead into what looked like a warehouse.
“On the brink of DC. These warehouses haven't been used in decades. I'm surprised they're still standing. It's a good place to hide you” Alex told him, stopping in her tracks once they entered the main part of the warehouse. Felix took in his surroundings. So he hadn't been on a boat, or at the bottom of the ocean, he'd been underground.
“Hide me from what?” Felix asked, realising what Alex had just said. He could see her in natural light now, she was dressed all in black. He was sure she was wearing a kevlar vest, and he'd seen as he was walking behind her she had a gun tucked into the back of her jeans. Her glare stayed cold as she obviously debated whether to tell him something or not. “Alex” Felix said again.
“From me” She answered, crossing her arms as if he was waster their time by asking what Felix considered important questions.
Felix stepped back for a moment. Realising he hadn't properly thought this over.
He'd been kidnapped, or taken, hidden, whatever Alex wanted to call it.
Suddenly, he was stood in the middle of a warehouse with the girl he used to call his best friend when they were twelve. Now he was nineteen and she was eighteen, stood in front of him with a gun in her back pocket. “From you?”
“Well, from who I work for” Alex corrected herself.
“And
who do you work for?”
Alex let out a heavy sigh, her arms still folded. Looking around and landing her gaze on Felix. “If you stop asking questions and follow me, you're going to find out pretty soon”
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Hey there!
So the first thing I'd want to suggest would be taking out ALL of those paragraphs of Felix thinking by himself before Alex arrives. It's boring! I mean, it's not that the information there is completely useless -- we need some of it! But I think it would be better to try to slip it in (and only the stuff you REALLY need) while the action is happening. Let us learn that he's the president's son in a more substantial way than him thinking about himself as "the president's son", which I'm not sure would happen so often?? For example, if he's going to later have to explain to whoever Alex is working for how he got kidnapped, he can share that he doesn't really remember anything about how at THAT point and save all the throat-clearing up front.
The other thing that I would really love to see this novel turn into would be a novel about Alex. She's obviously the most interesting character. There's nothing that draws me to Felix. I wanna read about Alex, why she went away, why she's back and saving him from whoever captured her. She's strong, she's confident, she's skilled. Why are we following some kid who has nothing to his name but his mom's greatness??
These are just a couple things to think about, and I hope they help you as you continue writing.
Good luck~
PM me if you have any questions /comments about this review.
Have a good day!
Stilinski, hello! Nice to meet you!
I only have a few nitpicks. You accidentally put a space between "an" and "d". They're supposed to be together ,if you didn't already notice.
"The mind-numbing terror that came along with being kidnapped had started to fade after hours an d hours of trying to get his eyes to adjust to the darkness..."
I also know it's completely logic that someone would definitely lock all the doors to keep the prisoner in, but how did Felix know that the door was locked? His captors might just be a little careless, or something.
"There was one door, but he hadn't wasted his time trying to open it."
You also don't need to capitalize president.
"Felix hoped it was a prank, that someone had decided to kidnap the President's son as a sick prank..."
Most people would like not to sit in a probably dirty prison cell patch of water. Would Felix mind, especially if he was used to being the president's son?
"But now he gave up and slumped against the metal wall, sitting in a patch of gathered water."
"He was probably underwater" is used two times in this thing. Try to replace this with something else.
"He was probably underwater. Or on a boat. But he was probably underwater..."
1) "The" should be "they". 2) Punctuation before the quotation mark. 3) "Footsteps said" and "Felix said" shouldn't be there. 4) The last sentence is mildly confusing.
"The grew a little louder until Felix realised that whoever or whatever it was currently stood on the opposite side of the door.
“Felix, I suggest if you're anywhere near this door, get away from it” Footsteps said, Felix said. He recognised the voice, he had too, whoever it was knew his name, but he couldn't place it. It was a girl, she spoke with a southern accent in a tone what would usually make him want to cower in fear. Instead he stood up, realising he was sat directly across from the door."
More punctuation.
"“I have no idea who you're talking about”"
Slight nitpick. "Head" should be "heard".
"He was sure she had head..."
Disappeared is spelled wrong.
"She'd dissapered along with her father when he was twelve."
Spacing.
"Instead, she turned back around and continued to walk until the y reached a door that had the same explosive attached to it that the door where he was locked up had."
You need some punctuation in those quotation marks. Never ever in your life do that again. This was good, though, but Alex has some twisted history. Really, why would some kid of a president make friends with an ordinary teenage girl and invite her to the White House?
-wisegirl22