Published September 14, 2009
I think this is the first short story I've ever written just because... Any who, feel free to be harsh! =]
- - -
The looking glass mirror hanging over the vanity table in the hall was a very curious thing indeed.
An old lady could look into the mirror and find herself looking young and beautiful through the eyes of society. A young man could see every ambition he ever wanted to fulfill. Children never had reflections and the wolves in sheep’s clothing were shown as they truly are. Yet not a single one of these people would take the time to actually look in the mirror and it would be doubtful that the elderly woman who owned the mirror knew of its existence.
Her granddaughter knew of its existence— all too well. She first noticed the mirror when she had been sitting on the love seat in the living room. She saw the mirror reflecting living room with perfect detail, but not her. She was no where to be seen. However the crayons and paper she had on the coffee table in front of her were there, and the cherry red crayon she held in her hand was floating in the air above the paper.
“I am real,” she said quietly to herself staring at her non-existent refection. And though she rarely doubted her own existence, one could never be too sure when dealing with mirrors. She ran into the dinning room, pulled a chair to the mirror and climbed up to the vanity desk. She looked into the mirror with pure curiosity. She reached out to touch it but quickly pulled her hand away, suddenly feeling that she almost did the most terrible thing.
She kept her eyes on the mirror as if it were a hungry tiger waiting to pounce on her as she climbed off the chair and walked away from the mirror. She planned never to pay mind to it again and went back to coloring a field of cherry red poppies.
But the thought of the mirror never left her mind.
* * * * *
A year went by without her thinking much about the mirror. Then her parents decided to go visit her grandmother again. This time as she colored her picture she fought hard to ignore the mirror in the hall.
She finished her drawing. Without realizing it she had drawn herself standing on the dining room chair and putting her hand flat against a mirror to touch her reflection, but the reflection wasn’t her. It was a devilish little girl.
‘Phoebe’ her name was whispered in the room. Phoebe looked up at the mirror and saw the little girl from her drawing in the Mirror. Phoebe ran into the dining room and carried a chair into the hallway facing the little girl.
“Who are you?” she asked.
‘I am you,’ the evil girl said.
“No your not,” Phoebe protested. “You’re Melanie.”
‘But I am you, Phoebe.’
“No!” She replied, “You’re my reflection and mirrors lie!”
Melanie laughed, ‘Did mother tell you that?’
Phoebe nodded.
‘Mother lies,’ the girl said.
“No you’re lying!” Phoebe yelled back at the mirror. She reached out to take the mirror off the wall. The girl disappeared and instead it showed Phoebe smashing the mirror into a million pieces, ‘Naughty Phoebe, that’s seven years bad luck!’ Melanie laughed.
Phoebe dropped her hands and stared at Melanie, who pressed her hand against the glass. Phoebe felt her own hand rise to reflect Melanie.
“No!” Phoebe said trying to move away from the mirror but she had taken the bait and could no longer move according to her own free will. The terrible feeling that she was about to do something bad filled her little heart again. And she begged Melanie to let her go: “Melanie! Please, let me go! I want mommy! Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!”
Tears streamed down her cheeks as Melanie moved her hand an inch away from the mirror and Phoebe’s own hand paused.
'Don’t be a tattle tale, Phoebe.' Melanie said before touching the glass. Phoebe closed her eyes tight as she felt herself spinning like a top, until everything just stopped. She was no longer in her Grandmother’s house.
She opened her eyes and her world filled with color. She looked through the glass and saw Melanie standing in the hallway on the dinning room chair, smiling like she just did something worthy of praise.
‘Melanie! Let me out!’ Phoebe screamed.
“Phoebe, honey?” Mother said walking into the view of the mirror. “What are you doing standing on this chair?”
“Nothing Mommy, just playing.” Melanie replied in a sickly sweet voice.
‘That is not your mommy! That’s my Mommy!’ Phoebe yelled thought the glass. ‘Mommy! Mommy! I’m Phoebe! Mommy! She trapped me in this mirror! MOMMY!’
But Mother paid no attention to Phoebe’s cries, “Oh, well it’s time to go. Will you please put the chair back in the dinning room, dear?”
“Yes Mommy,” Melanie replied. Easily ignoring Phoebe’s cries. Mother walked away and Melanie only smiled at Phoebe before carrying the chair back to its place. Phoebe kept screaming as her father and grandmother passed the mirror and Melanie walked back into the hall. But no matter how loud her voice got no one too any notice to her screams.
‘Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!
… mommy?’
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I have to tell you that I am extremely impressed!! (however much that means to you)
This story was great!! Well written, well constructed, I could find no error with it at all (well, not any that had not already been covered).
I have to say my favourite paragraph was this one:
An old lady could look into the mirror and find herself looking young and beautiful through the eyes of society. A young man could see every ambition he ever wanted to fulfill. Children never had reflections and the wolves in sheep’s clothing were shown as they truly are. Yet not a single one of these people would take the time to actually look in the mirror and it would be doubtful that the elderly woman who owned the mirror knew of its existence.
That right there was well written! Write on!!
That was amazing! From the second I read the first sentence, I was gripped! There were a few spelling mistakes but that was truly beautiful. I actually felt the anger and fear this 'Phoebe' character felt which shows you are doing a good job. When ever writing, if it's effective enough, it makes you feel like screaming yourself. Truly scary.
I'd like to see another part of the story. 'The looking glass' part of the title reminds me a lot of tomb raider legend. It probably isn't but it seems similar. But never mind, that story was brilliant and I'd say 4 stars!
I don't feel like being majorly over-harsh today, so you're in luck... Just kidding, it was a good piece! Just a few things...
A looking glass and a mirror are the same thing.
This little break is unnecessary.
Why do you begin capitalizing "Mirror" now?
How does she know the mirror-girl's name?
What kind of lesson is "mirrors lie" to a kid?
Wow... Now that was a creepy tale. I liked it, and I like the ending. Keep up the good work!
Lorrilrakest - Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.
Addawen19 - I don't know... but we might find out in December.
Kyllorac - Thanks for telling me your opinion. I agree it is simple, but that's how I wrote it, I didn't want it to be complicated or anything, I wanted to bring the feel of a (anti-)folktale into this. A simple story nothing complicated and from a child's point of view. Also she drew a creepy little girl in the mirror without knowing what exactly she was drawing, I think I can justify her knowing Melanie's name without hearing it. I might explain that more if I expand it and make it into a novella or something, but for now, that's just how I want it.
Thanks again Everyone!
This story struck me as a bit simplistic, to be frank. It's a good base, but I think it would benefit quite a lot from a bit more fleshing out. As it stands, I knew what was going to happen to Phoebe the moment she was introduced in conjunction with the mirror. Also, everything moves so quickly, so there's another source of dramatic tension lost. So yeah, not scary for me at all.
One last thing: I'm wondering how Phoebe knew the changeling's name was Melanie.
This was good, scary good, but that's ok because I like scary and different, which that's what this was scary and different. You should give yourself a pat on the back, because I want to know what happens next.
Isn't that what we are all striving towards? For someone to read what we've written, and then anxiously ask, "What happens next!?"
Well that's what I'm doing, so what happens next?
Oh my, write more please
Everything's really been said, but please do write more of this whole world.
Really good absurdist fiction coming along!
Ranger Hawk - Thanks so much! I made a few changes to it so I hope it sounds better now.
Auteur - Well thank you for reading it even though it freaked it out, you actually answered one of my questions and something I hoped someone would bring up. There probably won't be more.. I mean I could easily expand it but I'll probably wait until after I finish my current novel to pick up another. =] I'll post something on this topic if there's going to be more.
I didn't particularly like this story. Not because of how it was written, just these types of stories freak me out. It was good though. Will there be more? I will brave up enough to read the rest if there is. Good work and good luck!
Okay, first off I just wanted to say that it was a very good story! I enjoyed reading it a lot! It was very intriguing and well written. There were only a few things I read that could use a little tweaking to make the story clearer, and there were some grammatical issues I also noticed, such as punctuation.
Again, I really enjoyed reading it! Your title reminds me of Alice in Wonderland, but this is turning out to be much more interesting and potentially darker than that. Look forward to more!
Thanks Lauren!
*feels a little OC for commenting back right away* XD
I'll think about expanding it, and I'm glad you liked it enough to suggest that I expand it. =D It'd probably end up being a bit more fairy tale-ish then Alice in Wonderland because Melanie is a Changeling. But I'll consider doing that after NaNoWriMo. As it could easily take place in the same world that my NaNo takes place in. =D
Yeah, I wasn't too sure on that either. I wanted it to have the feeling of when I was a kid and alone in the dark and I was calling my mom like she was in the other room, but when she didn't answer, I'd get really scared and scream it. Hence the '!' screaming then the Caps screaming. I didn't know how to show that in any other way.
And thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my story! =D
- Stevie
Hey! I'm Lauren and I'll be reviewing for you today.
Wow this was really good! It was very much unlike anything I have read lately. I'd be interested in what happens next if you could find something to keep the story going. It could be very interesting and strange, maybe sort of Alice-in-Wonderland-like.
For example you could answer questions like...What is the mirror world like? Is it different from the regular world? Are there other people stuck in the mirror world? Does Pheobe ever get back out? What sort of chaos does Melanie cause in the real world?
It would be interesting to know
Okay, only one grammer related thing I caught.
All caps aren't really supposed to be used in writing, and usually you would substitute italics for the all caps. But, italics seem wrong to me here. I would get a second opinion from someone who knows more about that than me.
Again, great job!
Keep Writing!
-Lauren