The 1st Chapter of Paradox Parade - Heirlooms

Hey! I'm here, critiquing as requested. You asked me to point out any questions that I might have throughout the story, but honestly, I don't think I have any yet. I think what you've got so far is good, but needs a lot of fine-tuning and tweaking. I really like the ending of the chapter — it's by far the best part, but there's so much lead-up prior to it that, if I were a casual reader, I don't know that I would have made it that far into the story.

Here's the good news, though: a lot of the stuff that you have before it can be cut. Like, a lot. According to Microsoft Word, this is 1584 words long. I think it could easily be cut down to 700 words, if not 500. You have a lot of detail that doesn't do anything — that is to say, it doesn't give us much plot or character development, and it doesn't particularly do a lot in enhancing the story visually. You get bogged down in a lot of unnecessary detail, but I'll try to point out all of the instances where I think you can cut stuff out. I'll also point out grammatical errors and other little things as I come across them.

Okay. Onto the story!

I inhaled it blissfully, as I looked at the sunrise over the mountains, before climbing out of my window and onto the porch roof.

This sentence is one epic run-on. First up, you don't need a comma after "blissfully"; or "mountains". The word "before" is kind of clunky and unnecessary; of course she climbed out of the window after she inhaled, because everything is sequential. You're going to have to throw the second part of the sentence ("climbing out of my window and onto the porch roof") into a new sentence. Or, better yet, cut out the bit about "inhaling blissfully" (how do you inhale blissfully? I guess I know what you're trying to get at, but it seems unnecessary and poorly described). Then your sentence will be something like, "I looked at the sunrise over the mountains and climbed out of my window onto the porch." (You don't need the "and" between "window" and "onto".)

From where I was standing I could see the entire expanse of the woods.

There should be a comma after "standing".

As far as the eye could see - it was magnificent.

That dash shouldn't be a dash, it should be a comma.

I was glad that most of the snow had already fallen off the branches.

This is a weird sentence because it's thrown in amidst all of this description of the outside. I guess you're trying to establish the fact that it's post-winter, or nearing spring, but why she is glad that the snow is falling off of the branches? Because it's warmer? Because it'll be easier to climb down the ladder? I don't know that you even need this sentence in here; I would suggest cutting it out or at least throwing a (very very very) brief explanation of why she's happy it's gone.

We quietly crawled down to the edge of the roof where there was a ladder built into the siding, I took my messenger bag off and dropped it, along with the baby backpack, over the ledge.

You don't need "quietly", because the word "crawled" implicitly suggests that the action is quiet. Or, to put it another way: it's hard to crawl loudly.

Also, the comma after "siding" should be a period.

Then Oliver put his little hands around my neck and his legs around my waist, piggy back style.

This is way too wordy when all you're saying is, "Oliver climbed onto my back." It doesn't help that the verb you use, "put", isn't especially descriptive. If you really want to describe this, maybe go with, "Oliver climbed onto my back, his little hands circling my neck." Or, you know, any verb that describes this entire action a little more vividly.

. After Nana had yelled at us one too many times, my older brother Reuben, who we affectionately call Benji, had come and created this ladder so we could get out of the house without disturbing anybody.

Unless he magicked the wood into existing or created an innovative design for a ladder, the word you want is "built", not "created".

The "who" should be "whom".

The words "had come and" are totally unnecessary. You just need, "had created/built this ladder".

I don't even know that all of this information is necessary, to be honest. I can see all of this text being easily cut out without hindering the story a bit.

I walked through our backyard and to the back fence; I opened the fence door and continued onto the forest path. We weren’t really allowed to be on the path but it was the fastest way to get to town.

Okay. So here's where I talk about Too Much Information.

See this entire opening bit? Not just the part that I quoted, but everything before it? That's 327 words of unnecessary information dump. I'm going to suggest that you cut all of this down — this entire section, all three hundred and twenty seven words — down to a single paragraph. So, you know, maybe a hundred words.

This is all I need to know, as the reader:

(1) It's early in the morning on a day close to spring.
(2) She has a two-year-old brother named Oliver, an older brother named Benji/Reuben, and a grandmother/nana/whatever that she lives with.
(3) She's sneaking out of the house, something she does a lot.
(4) They're heading to the city.

Seriously? That's all I need to know. And that's also all that I care about. I am going to be honest, it's really really hard to slog through all of these unnecessary details. Stuff like how exactly they snuck out of the house, or the baby backpack, or their exact route of escape (through the backyard, through the woods, etc.) — that stuff is completely irrelevant. What's worse, it's dull and makes me, as a reader, twenty times less interested in what's going on. I start getting a little bored. And distracted.

This should be interesting. I should be captivated right now. She's sneaking out of the house! With her little brother! Why? Is she going to make it? I get zero emotional information about Ev, except that she apparently really likes the cold air. The emotions are the best bit! Is she afraid of getting out? Is she worried that her little brother will trip and fall off of the roof? Is her heartbeat pounding really loudly in her ears this entire time?

You give me all of the unnecessary details and none of the good, useful ones. That's why I'm going to challenge you to cut this all down to one paragraph. The easiest way is to jump right into the action. Instead of starting with the cold air and how she inhales it and stares at the sunrise and the mountains and the snow and the woods and stuff, start with the bits that are interesting. Maybe (and this is just my crappy example, by no means feel like you have to use this, originality is fun) something like, We were sneaking out of the house again. Bam. You've established Fact #3 on the list up there, and you've started to establish bits of Fact #2 , as in, she's not alone and with someone else (Oliver). Your readers start to ask questions. Why is she sneaking out of the house? Why does she do it often? Who's she with?

From there you can jump to her leaving. You don't need to include anything about that entire escape. If you want, throw in a couple of details, by all means, but keep it to a couple of sentences, not a couple of paragraphs. Your readers will thank you. Seriously. We don't need to know the exact location of the ladder on the roof, its detailed history, et cetera. We just need to know that she gets away successfully with her little brother Oliver.

Anyways. Moving on.

As I climbed the last steep hill before town I could see it, Janvrin Manor, the most glamorous and forbidden place this side of the Mississippi.

The comma after "it" should be "Janvrin". Also, is it really glamourous? In a later sentence, you describe it as boarded-up and covered with ivy. Which is certainly alluring, but not glamorous.

But over the years it hasn't change much; there was more Ivy covering the side, and there were wood planks covering a few of the windows from when the neighborhood kids decided to be funny and throw rocks at the windows.

"Ivy" shouldn't be capitalized, "hasn't" should be "hadn't", and again with the Too Much Information deal. It doesn't really matter why the windows are boarded up, just that they are. Most readers, especially if they've ever picked up another book in their life, know that the windows are boarded up because someone smashed through them. We don't need every single detail about that. I would suggest cutting out the "from when the neighbourhood kids decided to be funny and throw rocks at the window". I would also suggest shortening "there were wood planks covering a few of the windows" to "the windows were boarded up", or even "the windows were boarded with wooden planks". As you have it right now, it's wayy too clunky and unnecessarily wordy.

Oliver tugged on a lock of my hair, bringing me out of my thoughts, and I turned my head to look at him, “sorry.”

The comma after "him" should be a period. "Sorry" should be capitalized.

We continued down the hill until we came out behind my Great Uncle’s book shop.

"Came out"? There's a hundred better, more descriptive verbs in the world that are a little less boring. "Emerged", "arrived", whatever. Use a thesaurus at will.

Every time I took the train I went through the bookstore - partly because it was convenient, but mostly because it was nice to see my Uncle without any customers around.

None of this information is needed. Again, you're clogging the story with unnecessary details. We don't really care what she does every single time, or every motivation behind her every action. At least, not for the mundane actions. (If she kills a man, that's a whole 'nother story.) I would suggest completely cutting this sentence out. I don't need to know and quite honestly, as a reader, I don't really care.

He had always been more like a grandfather to me and, with the exception of my cousin, Zac, and Oliver, he was the only relative I got to see whenever I wanted.

You don't need that comma after "Zac".

. I walked through the staff parking and through the back door into a small kitchen. The place definitely wasn’t built for space.

To my right and rounding the corner was the actual kitchen appliances: a stove, sink, cabinets, microwave and an ancient refrigerator. In the center of the yellow and white tile floor was a small table, more suitable for a café then a dining room, set for one. There was a door frame at the end of the cabinets, leading to the store and next to that was a small room with a arm chair sitting in front of a small television set that was hardly even used and as old as color televisions came.

Catty-corner to that was the black iron spiral staircase that led up to his study. I walked through the kitchen and into the store, knowing full well that I was only the second person in the Dare family to wake up this early.

Again, you don't need to devote two entire paragraphs to describing the exact layout of the bookstore. To be honest, most readers won't remember any of this three paragraphs later. These are pretty much the only facts that are important:

(1) She gets to the bookstore.
(2) It's cramped.
(3) It's a house and a bookstore.

All of which can be easily conveyed in, oh, two sentences. Maybe three, if you really think you need it. I don't need to know where the refrigerator is, or that the table is better suited for a cafe. I really don't. Again, you can and should reduce this to about two or three sentences.

“Good morning, Ev!” he said before even looking at me. “How are you this fine morning?”

"Before even looking at me" is way too clunky when "without looking up" will suffice. (From five words to three!)

He paused, looking at me for a moment, as if I was going to tell him.

He's not really pausing because he's not in the middle of saying something. He just finished a sentence. "Hesitated" might be a little more appropriate.

“When does your train leave?” he continued, going back to unpacking the books.

I looked at the grandfather clock behind the counter, it was 6:05.

“In about fifteen minutes,” I answered.

Two things: one, the comma after "counter" should be a period.

Secondly, again with the too much information. I don't care about any of this. I don't care that he goes back to unpacking, I don't care that she looks at the clock, I don't care to know the exact time. More importantly, as a reader, I am rapidly losing interest. All you need to do is tack "I have to catch the train soon" onto her explanation of where she's going and what she's doing. Or "We're going to catch the train in fifteen." Or something like that. Simple, fast, and eliminates three lines of clunky action/dialogue.

He walked back into the kitchen and I could hear him walking was fast has he could up the spiral staircase.

First of all, that should be "walking as fast as he could", not what you have there.

Secondly, "walking as fast" could very very easily be replace by a much stronger verb. "Hurrying" does the trick a lot better. "Running", "rushing", anything. "Walking as fast" is way too wordy and it's also kind of bland.

I turned around and looked up to see him shuffling about in the loft.

This is kind of a minor note, and not even something you necessarily need to change, but it took me a couple of seconds to realize that you could see the top floor from the bottom floor. Which is kind of silly because you spent an entire two or three paragraphs painstakingly describing the layout of the kitchen but neglected to mention this one detail. I would suggest just tacking on a sentence somewhere before this to clarify that you can see the upper floor from the bottom one.

“I don’t suppose I’ll be here tomorrow for your birthday,” he called.

"I don't suppose" isn't quite what you're looking for, I think, because it serves more to ask a question than to state a fact, and suggests uncertainty. It should just be, "I won't be here tomorrow for your birthday," or something of the sort.

“What do you mean? Are you going on another trip?” I asked, but he was either ignoring me or couldn’t hear me because he continued on.

Again, too much information with the "but he was either ignoring me or couldn't hear me". You can just as easily write "but he didn't answer", which is shorter, sweeter, and significantly more to-the-point.

He was always going on trips; he was an avid book collector and “book collectors needed to go where the books are”- at least that’s what he was always telling me. He was even worse than Benji, who also went on a lot of trips, but his trips were longer and we were rarely told about them until more then an hour in advance.

Again, too much information! I don't need to know any of this, except maybe that Benji also goes on trips, and maybe that her uncle justifies his own trips as book-collecting trips. But you don't need to say "He was always going on trips" because we figure that out when she asks, "You're going on another trip?" We don't really need to know that Benji gives barely an hour's notice for his trips. If anything, you could just write, "He was always going on book collecting trips. He was was even worse than Benji, who was always away." Or something. Again, don't feel obligated whatsoever to use the specific example that I wrote; I'm just hoping that illustrates my point.

“… So I best give it to you now.”

"So" shouldn't be capitalized.

I looked behind my shoulder at Oliver who looked just as confused.

This made me smile a little, because of course Oliver would be just as confused. But that's because he's two and probably has no clue what they're saying, not because he's just as bewildered as she is. I'd cut out this sentence because it doesn't serve a purpose, not even the one it's supposed to (i.e. show that everyone's a little confused by the surprise).

“Thanks,” I told him as I took the purple string off.

I would really really suggest replacing "took" with a less boring, more descriptive verb. "Yanked", "pulled", "tugged" — again, anything that is a little more vivid.

I turned it over carefully and undid all the tape before opening it.

Too much information, again. "I carefully unwrapped it" would do the trick just as well. : )

Inside (surprise, surprise) was a leather-bound book; by the strap keeping it closed, I came to the conclusion that it was a journal.

I'm not really sure why the "surprise surprise" is there — I guess because it's a book and he's a bookseller, but either way it feels really out of place where you have it right now. Particularly because this isn't really a stream-of-consciousness narrative and that's a very stream-of-consciousness thing to write.

“Thank you,” I said with more sincerity then before.

Again, this is way too wordy! Instead of allllll of those words, all you have to do is replace the relatively bland "said" with something that indicates sincerity. "Whispered" does that quite easily, as does a number of other, much stronger verbs.

It was truly a marvelous present. He looked at me as if remembering her; Nana and him always said I looked just like her, except I had my father's chocolate brown hair, as did my older brother.

And again, with too much information. I don't care which exact attributes she takes from her mother and which she takes from her father, all that I need to know is that she looks like her mother. (And maybe that her older brother does, too.) All that stuff about her father's chocolate brown hair? Cut cut cut.

He looked away reaching for something in his pocket.

There should be a comma after "away".

He handed it to me; I put the journal down onto the table to take the box, I gently lifted off the lid.

The comma after "box" should be a period.

It’s beautiful!” I said in awe, trying to open it.

Again with too many words, when "said in awe" could easily be replaced with "murmured" or "whispered" or "breathed" to create the exact same effect, except even more effectively.

He smiled, “Now, you and Oliver better run along or else you’ll miss your train.”

The comma after "smiled" should be a period.

“Oh yeah, thanks Uncle,” I said giving him a hug, before taking the pocket watch and journal and putting them into my bag.

There should be a comma after "said". Also, too many words. You can take out the "before" without losing the narrative flow of the story (in fact, you're helping it by taking out "before"). "Taking" and "putting" could be replaced with verbs that better show her urgency: "grabbing the [gifts] and thrusting them into my bag", or anything similar. You know the drill.

On the train I had a closer look at the Journal and Pocket Watch; not only didn't the Pocket watch not open but neither did the Journal.

First of all, the "journal" and "pocket watch" shouldn't be capitalized, especially because you hadn't done it earlier.

Secondly, holy double negatives, Batman! (Triple negatives, even?) instead of having "not only" and "didn't" and "not open", you could just as easily have, "neither the pocket watch nor the journal budged open". Or something to that effect. Wayyyy too many negatives in the sentence right now, though.

But after closer examination of the Journal I noticed a piece of paper sticking out between the pages, it was a crisp white unlike the rest of the pages, which were turning yellow.

Again, you really don't need to capitalize "journal". And there should be a comma after it ("journal", that is) and a period after "pages". You could also easily replace "turning yellow" with "yellowing". Ta-da! One less word.

I had to use my fingernail to pry the paper out of it's place enough for me to get a good hold on it.

"It's" should be "its". Remember your possessives. : )

The envelope for the most part was blank. Except for a name - my name.

You really don't need the "for the most part" because the "except" in the following sentence establishes the same thing quite nicely, with more dramatic effect. It can easily be cut out, so you have: "The envelope was blank. Except for a name - my name." Or even, "The envelope was blank, except for a name. My name." Or anything to that effect. Less words, less clutter, more time to devote to the actual actions of the story! : )

* * *

Okay! So I'm pretty much finished right now. I think you might want to review the rules of punctuating dialogue; for that I would suggest taking a look right here, which is pretty comprehensive on how to do it right. I'd also suggest briefly (very briefly) going over basic syntax — commas, periods, et cetera. You have quite a few slip-ups, and I think once you get the hang of them, you'll really be able to use them to awesome effect.

You've got (theoretically) reallyreally good makings for a story. It gets better and better throughout this entire chapter, and the ending itself is hands down the best part. It's a shame that the rest of the story doesn't quite match up, which is why I suggest going back and making the rest of the story as concise as the ending. You have all of the important details and they hit all of the right dramatic notes and it's great. Now the rest of the story needs to do that. I really do think that if this is half its length, it will be a lot more effective and interesting and engaging.

If you have any questions or need me to clarify anything, by all means feel free to PM me and I will do my best to help out.

Hope this is helpful. Good luck, and have fun editing! : )

Hello there.

Just so you know, 2-3000 words is fairly typical here, so don't worry about this length. And remember, if you change the title, do tell us! Otherwise people will be all... "What's that? Where's that?"

Our Nana had said he was getting to old for the baby backpack but it didn’t bother me, he was really light for his age, and it was easier then caring a stroller or having him walk all over the city.

A few problems here. Should be:

"Our nana had said he was getting too old for the baby backpack but it didn’t bother me - he was really light for his age - and it was easier than carrying a stroller or having him walk all over the city."

was wood planks

"were wood planks"

Be sure to proofread for things like that and be sure to check with your spell-checker.

covering one of the windows from a neighborhood kid throwing a rock through it.

You don't really "cover" something from someone, but you do "protect" or "shield" it.

so it was the way I took to get to the Metra.

Don't alienate the reader: what's the Metra? Give us a brief explanation--what might be normal to your character might not be to us.

dinning table

You want "dining table".

“What do you mean not be around on my birthday? Are you going on another trip?” I asked, but he was either ignoring me or couldn’t hear me because he continued on.

How does your character feel about this? Wouldn't Ev be a little sad if he's not there for a birthday, since they are obviously quite close.

[quote]In side[/quote
= one word

They were all the nitpicks I found.

Right, that was well-written, if lacking the occasional proofreading that would have benefited you, methinks. There are, however, a few thoughts I'd like you to consider:

1) Where's the catch? Literature doesn't follow rules, but it's essential, nonetheless, to have a hook to begin with. I just feel as though we need something faced-paced and worth our interest, rather than an occasional visit to the book shop with no real purpose behind it.

2) Baby Backpack sounds weird, but whatever. It's fantasy, and I wasn't particularly interested by it anyway, since it wasn't especially noteworthy, but built in as normality. 'Twas alright.

3) I do feel as though this was only really here to move along the plot. Why did Ev go down to the shop anyway--what was her purpose. Make it clear and noteworthy.

4) Be careful not to slip into clichés that are o-so-common in this era. I'm talking about the orphan character with a younger sibling and some mysterious gifts from the family.

5) We need more descriptions on the character development front. A lot. Firstly, I couldn't even pick out Ev's gender, age, or anything. I only noticed because you told us in your notes. I don't mean for you to give us some epic info-dump, just the bare necessities slipped into there. You could say, for example, what age Ev'll be on her next birthday, and how far away it is. And what were her first thoughts on getting it--regarding her parents? Miss them? Remember?

This needs work, but good, solid writing anyway.

Best,

Blinky

Hello there.

Just so you know, 2-3000 words is fairly typical here, so don't worry about this length. And remember, if you change the title, do tell us! Otherwise people will be all... "What's that? Where's that?"

Our Nana had said he was getting to old for the baby backpack but it didn’t bother me, he was really light for his age, and it was easier then caring a stroller or having him walk all over the city.

A few problems here. Should be:

"Our nana had said he was getting too old for the baby backpack but it didn’t bother me - he was really light for his age - and it was easier than carrying a stroller or having him walk all over the city."

was wood planks

"were wood planks"

Be sure to proofread for things like that and be sure to check with your spell-checker.

covering one of the windows from a neighborhood kid throwing a rock through it.

You don't really "cover" something from someone, but you do "protect" or "shield" it.

so it was the way I took to get to the Metra.

Don't alienate the reader: what's the Metra? Give us a brief explanation--what might be normal to your character might not be to us.

dinning table

You want "dining table".

“What do you mean not be around on my birthday? Are you going on another trip?” I asked, but he was either ignoring me or couldn’t hear me because he continued on.

How does your character feel about this? Wouldn't Ev be a little sad if he's not there for a birthday, since they obviously quite close.