This is (at least part of) the Prologue of my new story Life's Story. I need some harsh critiquing for this story..
I don't know if this is going to be a fantasy story or a science fiction story or a good old action/adventure story. I'm going to keep it here until I figure that out. (Sorry I thought I might say that in case I decide which and you can find it here)
Flynn ran across the barren waste land, he had only one destination -- the hideout. He heard dogs barking in the distance and men yelling at each other. Flynn just had to get to the other side of the river and he was home free, but fate gave him no such luck. Half way to the river he looked behind him. The dogs where much closer then he had thought. He thought of his younger sisters and brothers he had been banished and kept from helping them. Now it was up to Westley, in two years he would be old enough to take care of the younger siblings. And he would never be heard from again. Of coarse when one family member was considered a trouble maker the rest where already branded as so.
Flynn quickly took out his cell phone, he would send the information to Westley too keep safe. He pressed send just in time as he looked up he was heading strait for a tree. To late to avoid the tree he ran right into it, the cell phone finished sending the information as the first dog came up to Flynn.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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J. Haux -- Thanks for the crit!
Adam101 -- Actually Flynn is the main character's older brother. Thanks for the name comment ... wait until you hear the brother and sister's names.
I'll try to add some more emotion.
Thanks -- Stevie
I dont really think this should be a prologue, as someone on Squills said, prologues should give a past background to a story, the main character should be introduced in Chapter 1. You introduce your main character here so therefore you should have this as Chapter one (Unless someone would like to correct me).
The character names you have used are not the common "John and James", I like it that they are different. I felt the length was a little short for a longer story's length.
Also I would have liked to see more sensory description to "home in" on that little details, I want to be able to taste the sweat dripping from Fynn's nose, I want to be able to see the fear/happiness/{INSERT EMOTION HERE} in his eyes.
Harsh critiques, eh? Since you requested it, I'll do m'best.
I'd put a hyphen in between, or make it one word. In this instance, I don't think it's one word. (But since spelling is not my strong suit, I'll let you find out for sure!)First, the little typos and such:
were; thAn (you're comparing)
They're two separate ideas. Separate into two sentences or add ; .
Again, different ideas...or at least they shouldn't be in the same sentence. "Now it was up to Westley, who in two years would be old enough..." might work, or you could just add a semicolon again.
course
'too' is just 'to'. Again, your comma is connecting two different thoughts. They should be different sentences. If you have trouble deciding where you need commas or periods, read aloud. If you pause very slightly, it's a comma, a period is a complete thought. It's harder to differentiate commas and periods using that. You might try it, though. And I think you're missing an 'it'--keep IT safe.
You've got a run-on here. Also, I'm almost positive the strait you want is spelled with a 'g': 'straight'.
It just occured to me that you must be using spell-check, because your misspelled words are real words in the wrong context. Read carefully.
'Too'.
Hm. Interesting how many small grammar stuff you can find it a short piece! Make sure you reread meticulously even when you type it here. Typos happen, but you want your critiquers to be concentrating on the story etc...
So now I can get to that...but in a little while.
~Jacquie~
P.S. Prologues don't have to occur far back in the past. I was told they foreshadow the events or a theme in the story, so sometimes it is but not always.