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Young Writers Society



West of Forgetfulness River

by Stephixy


~A fight with a thorn bush~

"Princess, Princess!" came the calling of an all too familiar voice, ripping through her unconsciousness and bringing her back to the present. Shenta had been dreaming of her home of Marianta, and her life of schooling, gardening, respect and solitude, but as she awoke to Zeris’s gentle shaking and urgency she remembered where she was; out of her lands, on the other side of the Forgetfulness River and in the East land of the Fairies.

"Princess we must leave here soon" Zeris went on anxiously, looking about as if he expected things to come flying out of the tall rippling grasses, and peaceful trees around them.

"I know, I know" Shenta said stretching her aching muscles, her waist long, fawn colored hair falling across her body as she sat up on bed of blankets laid on trampled grass. She looked around and noticed that Zeris had already packed up camp except for her blankets, a new set of clothes for her, and some food and cooking material.

Shenta looked up at Zeris where he had gone back to cooking some salted pork and wild eggs. His shoulder long, golden hair shimmered in the sun as his sharp brown cat eyes focused on the food and his tall, lean form hunched over the heat of the small fire. Zeris wore a sleeveless buckskin tunic, long leather leggings and mid calf high boots. He had round his waist a sword buckle, scabbard attached, with an ax hooked in it and daggers in his boots. A golden earring glittered in his right ear and tight to his neck was a beaded necklace with the carving of a tree on it, a matching one round Shenta’s neck, except for his with a circle round the tree, marking him as her protector.

Shenta got up, rolled up her blankets and strapped them to her pack, then she picked up her clean set of clothes and walked over to Zeris

"Do I have time to bathe?" She asked him, attempting to tuck her long hair behind her ears without success.

"I guess…” Zeris answered hesitantly looking at her then averting his gaze quickly. Shenta noticed this and hoped he’d quickly learn to forget doing it, she had suffered with such treatment all her life, and would not stand for it any longer.

"You must stop calling me Princess, it would do us no good to have anyone know who I truly am, and as it were, once they know of my departure, I will be denounced as the heir and my cousin will get to rule so in all technicality I will not be the be the Princess anymore." She said then turned on her heal and headed towards the creek. There was not a shred of pain in her eyes as one might expect, simply determination at choosing her own path in life.

“As you wish…" he said not having raised his head from his task the entire speech.

Shenta walked through some trees and brush to the little pool of water, they had found last night, formed by the creek. She striped and slipped into the water without a sound, a shiver running down her spine. Her eyes examined all around her as she washed in the cool water. Seeing a pair of squirrels chase each other through the trees, she remembered the cat Minka who used to fuss about squirrels quarreling more than doing the work they were set out to do. Minka was a highly sought after healer, who claimed that it was not her skill, but that of her God Jehovah, the one and only God cats worshiped.

She listened to the birds singing and relaxed in the water. She has been traveling for four days and has many weeks of travel ahead of her and may not get the pleasure of relaxing for awhile. Not to mention the constant fear that they might at any time run into a faerie. Her people had many tales about the Fairies’ strength and their cruelty to Elves. Shenta was admittedly afraid of coming face to face with one, but she hadn’t let that keep her from choosing her own path in life.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Zeris finished cooking and put out the fire. He had not had a choice in leaving his lands. He had to go with the young Elvin princess, for that was what his life was all about; protecting the princess at all costs. She tried to dissuade him, almost commanded him to not come with her, knowing that such a command was the only he was allowed to disobey from her. He could not defy the princess’s wishes, and had no choice but to keep his promise to her not tell a soul. Their people hated all other races for their barbaric customs and their stupidity; they refused to and were forbidden to leave their lands or be banished. He wondered if she was truly happy with her decision. He feared she would soon beg to return home, and that upon trying to cross the river back into their homeland they would be killed.

Shenta returned, and Zeris looked at the slim, fragile looking elf before him, with her hair still wet, and her blue eyes with gold around the catlike pupil shimmering with defiance. Zeris had been one summer old when Shenta was born and he was taken to her crib-side to be raised as her protector. Being one year into her adult life, at age 17 she looked almost 12 and acted that old in Zeris’s eyes. Her sheer child like rebellion in leaving just showed how young and naive she really was no matter how much she tried to cover it up.

Shenta was dressed in a doeskin sleeveless top and a buckskin skirt which brushed her knees, which made traveling easier. Her waist was adorned with a beaded belt from which a sheath and a knife hung, and she wore knee high boots decorated with beads, one of which concealed a dagger. She had a staff in her hand with some beads and feathers hanging from it, carved with cats, trees and flowers, and a purple crystal orb at the top only about the size of an orange. She wares one ring, a ruby; symbol of her blood line, and in her pack was her circlet. He wasn’t why she had thought to steal it out of the royal chambers.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Zeris got up from where he was sitting and handed Shenta her breakfast. She sat and ate the food quickly, seeming to not taste it. Zeris went to fill the water skins at the edge of the creek and cleaned up the camp to make it look as if they were never there. They put their packs on their backs and head West, towards The Great Mountains from there they would head South to Knife Sea and then down the western shore to Waterway, a city filled with all races, rumored even some runaway elves.

They walked in silence ‘til about noon when they reach a large clearing and decide to sit down to noon meal. Shenta thought that she had seen some fruit trees a small distance away when they had crested a hill earlier. While Zeris started a small fire and began to cook some venison and potatoes to mix up in soup, she walked off towards the trees to get some fruit. Zeris warned her it might be dangerous, but she gave him her regal stare and walked off.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A patch of trees and brush and a shallow creek separated their resting spot with the fruit trees. Shenta plucked a few from the low hanging branches, and was just turning around to return when she heard a noise to her left. She turned quickly towards it and saw a bush that seemed to be shivering of its own violation. She drops the fruit as she stares at the bush in fearful curiosity. A man came tumbling and cursing out of it and lands on his stomach at her feet. She jumps back and screams completely forgetting about her dagger and knife.

"Whoa, whoa! What’s the problem here?" as his eyes caught sight of Zeris as arriving with his sword drawn and a fighting stance quickly adopted. Shenta couldn’t believe they had found a human traipsing around faerie lands. Weren’t they just as afraid of the faeries as the elves? When she saw his eyes though, she realized her first assumption had been wrong. His eyes revealed cross racial heritage as they were a shiny molten metallic blue. His hair was short, and he had some stubble growth on his face. He was covered in debris, leaves, grass and burrs seemed to be all over him.His clothes consisted of baggy blue and red cloth leggings, a front fastened sleeveless tunic, and heavy boots. He had a few bracelets adorning his wrists of various widths and colors, some shimmered and glowed.

"What did he do to you?" Zeris asked Shenta, not turning his gaze from the stranger just as her eyes hadn’t left him, but for a different reason.

"Look, I fell out of that thorn bush and apparently scared her, which I can respect. I’d be scared too if someone came flying out of a bush at me" the half fairy said, putting his hands down seeming to examine them closely.

"Shenta, is what he says true?” Zeris asked glaring at him.

"Yes, that’s all that happened, I’m sorry that I screamed," says Shenta then noticing he was bleeding from what looked like a thousand tiny cuts all over him. She realized just then that his clothes must not have been multicolored, but they must have been soaked in his blood.

"Wonderful! No need for weapons now chap, my name is Amintel, what are yours?" the half faerie asked looking paler by the second, and swaying slightly.

"Mine is…" Shenta starts when Zeris cuts in.

"Why should we tell you, we don’t know who you are and we don’t trust you and…" Zeris never finishes his sentence for right then Amintel faints. Shenta ran over to him and fliped him on to his back with some effort to examine him.

"Don’t touch that fairy scum," Zeris says venomously.

"He is hurt and needs our help" Shenta states checking his pulse and breathing rhythm.

"We don’t know if he will wake up and attack us, don’t you think?" Zeris says angrily, but looks down because he knows that he will not fight her.

"He wasn’t acting threatening, I will take care of him and that is that, now help me carry him back to camp. Then get back to cooking our food and make enough for him" She says standing up.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Grumbling Zeris helped Shenta carry Amintel. He wanted to pick Shenta up, and take her, even kicking and screaming back. But instead he was helping her care for something that would most likely kill them while they slept. Lifting the half breed was easier than he had thought. This man was more muscular than him, but seemed to weigh next to nothing. Zeris with a half laugh covered by a cough wondered at the fact that the thorn bush must have won the fight.

~The beginnings of a long Journey~

Shelieq awoke with the morning light rolling over and her tail hits her sister Kelieq who opened an eye to peer unhappily at her. Shelieq shook out her wings and stepped into the patch of bright sunshine beaming in their cave entrance, her bright, dark blue scales gleaming in the morning light. Stretching and flapping golden underlined wings, she snorts and peers back at her sister.

"Wake up Kelieq" Shelieq tells her sister telepathically.

"Fine alright" she answers in the same way. She had closed her eyes again at the hope of sleeping but her sister knew her better than to leave to eat without her. The intense dark green dragon with brown underlined wings also steps into the sunlight beside her twin. Kelieq’s green and brown eyes flash as she saw the wild sheep out in the meadow beneath their cave in their mountain. The bright beautiful dragons take flight sharing the same thought: food.

They hunted and ate their fill of sheep, then headed for a stream to the west of their mountain. They landed daintily near the stream and bent their long necks to take a drink. Today was the day they would be taking their annual flight to the river meadows. There they would live till the seasons changed, then they would head back north, to their own cozy mountain. This year they were 17 summers, and fully grown. They would mate for the first time. They each were looking forward to having children of their own.

The plan was to meet up with a group of dragons living in the surrounding mountains at a large lake tucked into the mountain range surrounding them. After drinking to their fill they headed west catching the winds. They both loved flying and took joy in traveling every year. They landed on the west bank of the lake and saw that most of the dragons had already arrived. They were the same dragons they traveled with last year except there were some of last year’s hatchlings. Dragons weren’t very close creatures, they traveled in groups, lived in pairs, and hunted together but they felt no closeness except for the mating and raising of their young. Once those tasks were finished they went about their own business.

Most of their lives were spent searching for their life partners the human, elf, fairy, or dwarf they shared their eye color, lives, and minds with. They also shared things like scars, and birthmarks, they where the same shape and size and always in the corresponding shape on the other of them. If the human had blue/green eyes the dragon would have blue scales with green under wings. Dragons where hatched at the same time as one other higher. On Tiere, in the case of twins (either in the dragons or higher beings) there were always two others hatched or born at the same time (the other two did not have to be twins).

These life partners would share the pain of wounds, hunger, and death, with the case being if one was hurt the other would feel pain in that spot, if one were hungry the other would be hungry to, if one died the other would die. They also shared happiness, and joy. If one were joyous for any reason the other would be joyous to. If one would mate, the other would have an extreme urge to do so. Dragons could talk to each other telepathically as long as they where within a certain distance of each other, around 500 tail lengths, but they could share thoughts, small ones, like where to meet or where good hunting was, anywhere. Dragons and their life partners where the same way, except they couldn’t leave very strong hints. They could unconsciously transfer shadows of thoughts, like whisper of something they quite couldn’t hear, but still affected their actions and movements.

Marlink, the eldest dragon of this area, always led the way in the long journey south. He informed them that all were there and now was the time to leave. In a great bound he jumped in the air, spread his great black wings, and gently glided southward giving everyone a chance to catch up. Shelieq and Kelieq, and the rest of the dragons, took off after Marlink and began their journey south.


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Mon May 26, 2008 12:33 am
.katsuro. wrote a review...



I was quite drawn to your story. However, I am a bit confused. Maybe you should explain what she's doing away from her homeland more? Unless of course you decide to explain that later on throughout your book.

Uhmm.. other than that there were a few things, spelling mistakes and punctuation mostly.

Stephixy wrote:"Princess we must leave here soon," Zeris went on anxiously, looking about as if he expected things to come flying out of the tall rippling grasses, and peaceful trees around them.

"I know, I know," Shenta said stretching her aching muscles, her waist long, fawn colored hair falling across her body as she sat up on bed of blankets laid on trampled grass.

"You must stop calling me Princess, it would do us no good to have anyone know who I truly am, and as it were, once they know of my departure, I will be denounced as the heir and my cousin will get to rule so in all technicality I will not be the be the Princess anymore." She said then turned on her heal and headed towards the creek.


In this last paragraph, the first sentance is rather long. Also, "heel," not heal. :wink: Also I added in some commas, [the ones bolded.]

Other than that, I enjoyed your piece. Just make sure you double check for wrong words like that one. Good job! I look forward to your next piece!

-Katsuro =]




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Mon May 26, 2008 12:03 am
geneevies wrote a review...



Hello! Sorry for taking so long to reply. I read your story again and I did notice much improvement. Nice job. :) There are still a few areas (near the middle and the end) where you changed your verb tenses again, but you can fix those later if you like. My favorite part was when you started writing about the dragons and how they each have a partner. That was interesting to me. But anways...good job. :)




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Sun May 18, 2008 2:59 am
Stephixy says...



okay so I'm thinking of re-doing my second chapter now. I have time since I am finished with school. I will pry start work on it tomorrow. I know of revisions and updates that need to be done to the already updated 1st chapter, but if you see anything specific, let me know! thanks lovelies.




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Sat Apr 26, 2008 1:01 am
Stephixy says...



I fixed it! Guys it took me a bit (what with work, school, and a social life) but I got the first chapter fully edited and updated. Go ahead and take a second look. I think you'll see much improvement.




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Thu Apr 10, 2008 7:00 pm
Vampy_Girl15 wrote a review...



It's a great plot! I loved reading it and if it becomes a book i will be very interested in reading the rest; so keep up the good work. I do agree with the other that the tenses are a bit confusing but thats easily fixed.
It's very interesting. I really hope you finish it so i can see what happens to everyone.:D




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Wed Apr 09, 2008 7:43 pm
Stephixy says...



Thanks for the suggestions guys! I am in the process of reviving this story. I started writing this 7 years ago (yeah I was 12) so it's not near up to the standard of writing I have now, I just wanted to make sure that people had the same problems with it I did. I will PM everyone who reviewed to let them know when I fully re-haul this first chapter. Thanks guys!




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Wed Apr 09, 2008 2:21 pm
DancingRain wrote a review...



First I would like to start by saying that this is a really interesting start. I’m curious to find out why Shenta leaves her homeland.

Shenta looks up at Zeris where he had went back to cooking some salted pork and wild eggs. His shoulder long, golden hair shimmering in the sun, his sharp brown cat eyes focused on the food, his tall, lean form hunched over and sweating from the heat of the small fire.


You need to change the bold word to focused.

"By the way, you had better stop calling me Princess, we really don’t want anyone to know who I am, and besides, once they have figured out that we have left, I will be denounced as the heir and my cousin will get to rule so technically I will not be the be the Princess anymore." She said walking towards the creek. Not a shred of pain in her eyes as one might expect, but determination at choosing her own path in life.


The second set of be the should be edited out.

*You didn’t immediately hook me in the beginning but there is potential for the story. I’d really like to see where this is going so please continue.

*You switched point of view too much. It was fine when it was just Zeris and Shenta but when you added Amintel I had to stop and figure out whose view I was reading from.

*You switched tenses a lot. It would read easier and better if you could stick to a tense.

All in all I think it’s a good start and hope that you found this helpful.




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Tue Apr 08, 2008 5:24 am
DavidJones wrote a review...



I liked the story, good job. Only a few things didn't catch my fancy in this story, the first was: you switched in between character perspectives by paragraphs. You wrote about Zeris for a while, untill they stopped to have lunch, then you switched to Shenta going to get fruit. It didn't bother me when it was just the two of them, but when Amintal came into the story, and you switched to his perspective, i lost track and had to stop to figure out what was going on.
The only other thing i can critique is: I'm not a big fan of present-tense writing, prefer post-tense writing, its not a big deal and doesn't affect the writing at all, its just my opinion.
good job.

∞David∞




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Tue Apr 08, 2008 3:41 am
geneevies wrote a review...



I don't want to get too deep into critiqueing this so I only have a few things to say. Mainly you need to work on your tenses because they are changing all over the place, which makes it really awkward to read. For example you said:

I know, I know" Shenta said stretching her aching muscles, her waist long, fawn colored hair falling across her body as she sits up on her rolled out blankets.


What you need to change is the 'sits' to 'sat'. OR change the 'said' to 'says'. It will make more sense that way and not be so awkward to read.

Second I want to say that I wasn't really drawn into your story because I didn't know what was going on, but I do like your concept.





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