Published December 11, 2008
Fighting my passion oh so fleeting,
Still I dread the thought of our meeting,
Drenched in sweat my heart fast beating,
We are blinded by lust, quickly receding.
I wish for more waiting restlessly,
Heart grown cold you turn away hastily,
I yearn for kindness a line said dreamily,
You hold me at bay words spoken viciously.
Hope holds tight waiting though depleted,
My heart for you calls your presence is needed,
Every ragged slip every harsh word conceded,
My love for you will remain forever repeated.
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Canary word: Present
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Ok I really loved the openness in this poem, and the above critique was pretty harsh in my opinion. We're not here to judge this writer's life, just her work. So on that note, the poem was true to life, and that's hard to find these days. Well done!
You obviously have a problem with choosing words. I tried to help in best way I could. I guess your motive for this was your ex-boyfriend. You're too immature if you think that this was true love...sorry, but that's just my opinion...
Hey!
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Okay, the first line confuses me. It says that your fighting your passions, right? But in the next line, why does it say "But"? It totally confuses the reader. Just take that "But" out and those first two lines will be good. Never rhyme words using the suffix. It is considered cheating in the world of poetry
I like how this poem is in present terms. Keep that. But every single line there is a verb. Some people may consider that good poetry, but I think you are just repeating yourself. You have tons and tons of emotion too, but I don't know, somehow it seems wrong. This whole poem is a little vague. Can you put some more specific details into this poem? That would help the reader a lot.
All in all, great poem with lots of emotion. Just add some more detail
*Princess*
P.S. You shouldn't capitalize each beginning to a line. It confuses the reader.
Hey Stephixy! I don't know why no one has reviewed this yet....but they haven't. So it's up to me.
Hope you don't want to kill me by the end of this. I don't think you will, because it's very good and I don't have many criticisms.
First, I LOVE your first stanza. I don't think many people can say they haven't been in that situation before, I certainly have. Anyway, the only issue I have is with your first line (Fighting our passions oh so fleeting). I can gather from the rest of the poem that this is concentrating on the girl's (I assume it's a girl) POV, she loves him, she'll wait for him, all that good stuff. That's why I would change the 'our' in the first line to a 'my'. 'Fighting our passions' sounds a bit Romeo and Juliet ish, like they both want the same thing but have to fight their passion because of something beyond their control. But from the rest of the poem, I get that she's restraining herself (or he's restraining her) because of him, he doesn't feel the same way or wants to take it slow...or something. Ah I hope you get what I mean, it sounded a lot clearer in my head.
Your second stanza is also great. I love your third and fourth lines especially. The second line, when read, has too many syllables. Read it out loud a couple of times and you'll see what I mean.
Third stanza-no suggestions. Sorry
Overall: Great idea, wording, etc. What I don't like is all your commas. Poetry doesn't need that much punctuation, and at the end of the line it's especially superfluous because the line break will pause the poem for you. Do you see what I mean? Without the line break, one of your lines is: you turn away hastily, I yearn for kindness... If you were writing that, say, in a story, you would start a new sentence, right? You wouldn't use a comma anyway. In poetry you don't need ANYTHING there. Use punctuation to emphasize a point, but don't overuse it. There are also a couple of the commas in the middle of the lines you could take out (like, for example: We are blinded by lust quickly receding. Does it lose anything when it doesn't have the comma? If you think it does, then keep it, but be aware of overuse.)
Again, I liked this a lot. Keep this writing up, for sure! (I know this review was kind of long and rambling, so PM me if you're confused about anything-hope it does make sense and help, though). You have a really great piece of work here.
EDIT: I might have said this already, but I actually like your word choice-it feels like you chose each carefully and they work. So don't change any of that, including 'words spoken viciously'. That was one of my favorite lines, since words can stab just as much as actions sometimes.