12+ Language

Sounds of Oblivion- 1

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The houses along Shrewsbury Road were like red-brick ghosts, their windows and doors gaping like the eyes and mouths of the dead. The lawns were all overgrown and wild, the street was silent.

Apart from the sound of Aifric’s feet slapping hard against the ground as she sprinted down the middle of the tarmac.

Her old tattered Chuck Taylors offered her little protection. Each step she took reverberated through her whole body. Her breath was ragged. Her lungs cried for more oxygen from the black and dirty air. But she couldn’t stop running. She had to keep going.

Holding tight to the old red rucksack with her left hand, she kept her eyes ahead. The deserted mansions of Shrewsbury Road sailed past in her peripheral vision. The people here were among the first to evacuate when things got bad. Then things got worse, and everybody who was left behind stayed behind.

She swung around the corner onto Ailesbury Road, sparing herself one second to look behind her. The Stalker was catching up.

She gasped and ran headlong away from it.

Stupid, stupid. She shouldn’t have come out this far. She knew all too well how risky it was. She hadn’t meant to go so far from Terenure, she thought the crate had fallen closer. Eoin had given her strict instructions not to go looking for it. But her little brother needed antibiotics. And now she had them. All Aifric had to do was make it back to Terenure alive.

Easier said than done.

The Stalker moved so quietly she couldn’t tell if it was catching up. It had six legs instead of two, that definitely gave it an advantage. Aifric decided that it was best not to wonder and to just keep running. She had to get back. She had to.

She reached the N11, the four empty lanes, the black boxes that had once been traffic lights now grey and cobwebbed.

Which way? She had forgotten, and hesitated.

Then she felt the Stalkers acrid breath behind her.

Without a second thought she turned left and ran as fast as she could down the dual carriageway, adrenaline driven. But it was too close. She could see its front legs as it took closer to her. She willed her legs to keep going, to keep pumping, to just get a metre further- Ferdy needed the drugs, she needed to get home.

The Stalker’s front leg clipped her back. All the will in the world didn’t stop her from falling. She tumbled, pain hitting every spot in her body as she did so, and tried to shuffle backwards, to roll away from the creature. But that front leg had her pinned down.

It smelt like death, its black body gleaming in the darkness of a dull night. Its mouth dripped with saliva as it surveyed its new meal.

Aifric tried to kick at its second pair of legs. They were like stiletto heels, surely if one went the creature would fall- but she couldn’t reach-

There was a scream. It wasn’t Aifric. It wasn’t human. It sounded more like a Stalker than anything else. Damn it. Two? She couldn’t believe how unlucky this was.

But it made the giant beetle-like monster relax. It straightened and turned its huge sticky eyes in the direction of the sound.

Aifric took her chance. She kicked at its middle leg, then pushed its foreleg off her, rolled away and got to her feet. For a millisecond she stood there, surveying the creature, not being able to believe what had just happened. Then she began to run.

The Stalker ran in the other direction.

Aifric took a shuddering sigh but did not stop, did not slow down.

It was a long run back to Terenure. But she was going to make it.

--

She finally reached the housing estate they were staying in, found her way through the barricade of old furniture and unlocked the front door. The trapdoor down was in the cupboard under the stairs. She opened this as quickly as she could to stop the hinges squealing and giving her away and slowly descended a couple of rungs on the rusted wooden ladder before pulling the trapdoor shut above her, plunging her into darkness. Thankfully she knew her way around here better than she knew the N11, and crept down the rest of the ladder onto the uneven paving. She would get back to her and Ferdy’s room, she would tell Eoin in the morning-

“Aifric!”

She froze as Eoin roared her name and her back was bathed in torchlight. She closed her eyes and counted to ten.

She turned and gave Eoin a curtsey. “Illustrious leader. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“What the hell do you think you were doing?”

“I went out for a walk.”

“It’s four am. You’ve been gone five hours.”

“I needed to clear my head.” She turned to keep walking down the corridor.

“Aifric!” he shouted again.

She sighed. “Eoin, my head’s wrecking me, and if you’re not quiet, you’re going to wake Ferdia and then we’ll have to deal with him being cranky all day tomorrow. Not to mention me being cranky if I don’t get to bed straight away. So goodnight.”

He grabbed the handle off the rucksack and jerked her backwards. She held onto the straps with both hands but he used the handle to turn her around and face him. His face was contorted with rage, blue eyes narrowed under his dark brows. “Who the hell do you think you are?” he growled. His breath came hot out of his nose and onto her face.

She slapped his hand off the rucksack and took a step backwards, back into her comfort zone. “I’m Aifric Ní Mhurchú, and I saved your sorry arse from a Stalker and if I hadn’t done that you’d be dead and we’d never have found this place and don’t forget it.”

“I’m the leader here-“

“Self-proclaimed, I believe?” Aifric rolled her eyes. “There are ten people down here better suited to leading than you, Eoin McIntyre.”

“Yourself included?”

“Myself included.” She put her hands on her hips to show she meant business. Eoin’s rage was calming.

“I assume you went to find the crate.”

“I did. I was right. Medicine. From the Yanks. I have enough to last us through to the end of the year if we’re careful.” She shook the rucksack off and pulled the zip open, rummaging until she found a little orange bottle labelled amoxicillin, and another of paracetamol. Then she threw the rest at Eoin’s feet. “Don’t bother thanking me or anything.”

“Aifric,” he said again, quieter. This time, she did not look back.

She went to their room, where Ferdy was sitting up in bed. “I didn’t know where you were,” he whispered.

“I’m here now,” she whispered back, sitting on the bed and kissing his head. “Sh. I’m here now. And I brought you something for your ears.”

“Affie, they’re not that bad,” he insisted, as he had for the past three weeks.

“I know, I know.” She popped the lid on the paracetamol and put one in his hand. “I’ll get you some water, then you can sleep.”

She ducked out of their makeshift room beneath the pipes of No 28 and went down to the tap at the end of the passageway. There were a few mismatched glasses and mugs on the brick wall next to the tap. She chose one with Homer Simpson on it, Ferdy would like that, and filled it with cool and mostly clear water. There was a mirror above the tap. Aifric knew she looked tired, that thin white face and the brown hair on either side. The ends were still dyed yellow blonde like they had been when she had been a normal schoolgirl talking to guidance counsellors and sneaking into clubs. Her hair had been a non-descript fitting-in shoulder length. Now it was down to her waist, the hair of a wild girl.

Ferdy took his medicine and went straight to sleep. Exhausted, Aifric climbed onto the tiny camp bed beside him. She always wanted him to have more room. But Ferdy was eight. He always took up less, and Aifric had to take the rest for her long limbs. She put an arm over her brother’s torso, feeling it rise and fall with his breath.

She thanked God for letting her live another day.

Then she slept.

--

I don't really know what this is to be honest. An experiment. I just wanted to note before you say- "those names are unpronounceable"- they're all common names in Ireland- the story's set in Dublin. And I hate stories that have to have pronunciation guides and it would really be much better if I just changed the names for the sake of you Americans but my head's being stubbon. So Aifric is the first two syllables of "Africa" and Eoin is Owen.

Comments & reviews · 7
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User avatar
JayeCShore
Review

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

I must say, that first line...epic!

The houses along Shrewsbury Road were like red-brick ghosts, their windows and doors gaping like the eyes and mouths of the dead.


Okay, let me quote it again;

The houses along Shrewsbury Road were like red-brick ghosts, their windows and doors gaping like the eyes and mouths of the dead.


I guess I'm not exactly sure why I like it so much, but I was expecting great things from the title, and instantly I'm excited to read this!

Her old tattered Chuck Taylors offered her little protection.


Keeping it real is probably one of the hardest parts of story writing, but it's little tidbits like this that may seem totally unimportant, that make all the difference. And at the same time, I like that you didn't just say "Converse." You went for something a little more unique, a little less generic, and it directly translates into your story. I noticed this a lot throughout.

Without a second thought she turned left and ran as fast as she could down the dual carriageway, adrenaline driven. But it was too close. She could see its front legs as it took closer to her. She willed her legs to keep going, to keep pumping, to just get a metre further- Ferdy needed the drugs, she needed to get home.


Every once in awhile there are some lines like these ones that just don't quite have the...wow factor. Like the first one, "...turned left and ran as fast as she could..." Just seems a little bland.

But it was too close. She could see its front legs as it took closer to her.


And this line didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, grammar mistake aside. How could you see its front legs, and not the rest of it? And I don't think I'd be looking back if I were being chased by something in the middle of the night. But honestly, those are pretty small.

You also have great dialogue and banter. I can't stand it when it sounds like it's right out of the latest Disney Channel show.

I felt that there were some rough edges to sand down on this, but I would love to read more. If you ever do write more of it, please, send me a note or something so I can read it.

Thank you Stella Thomas!

#D65F54 ">- JC -

User avatar
Sins
Review
Sins wrote a review · Tue Jul 30, 2013 10:30 pm

Yo. Stellatron.

Well as you've reviewed loads of my stuff lately, I feel really bad because I haven't reviewed anything of yours. Sooooooo, here I am to review this! I saw the second chapter of this a few days back, and made a note to check it out. I figured I'd start with the first chapter though because otherwise I would feel lost inside.

The houses along Shrewsbury Road were like red-brick ghosts, their windows and doors gaping like the eyes and mouths of the dead. The lawns were all overgrown and wild, the street was silent.

Apart from the sound of Aifric’s feet slapping hard against the ground as she sprinted down the middle of the tarmac.


So I don't usually like openings that begin with descriptions because I have the attention spam of a deformed goldfish, but I actually really like this opening. Your description is very interesting and it sets the scene brilliantly, methinks. Then you have the next paragraph, and it's like BAM, which is utterly fabulous. So basially... GO YOU.

I must say that I think this is pretty awesome. I love the concept, and it already doesn't feel like your typical dystopian story. This stands really well as a first chapter as well, methinks. It definitely makes me want to read on (which I shall do soon!) and that's the whole point really, so well done. Your characters seem interesting thus far too, and I love how I can already see tension between Aifric and Eoin. I'm really interested to see where these characters end up, how they develop, and how their relationships with each other develop. Oh, and I love the irish influence so far in this. I'm drowned with Americanisms every day on this site, so it's nice to see something different every now and then.

In fact...

..it would really be much better if I just changed the names for the sake of you Americans but my head's being stubboRn.


Nuh-uh, gurlfriend, you don't go lettin' dem yanks bring us down. VIVA LE REVOLUTION.

But anyways, critiques 'nd stuff. I'll start with something kind of nit-picky with regards to format (or something along those lines anyway). I kept noticing that you were using a lot of single line/sentence paragraphs, and while they are nifty and all, I'm tempted to say that I think you overused them a bit. A few of these in every chapter can work really awesomely, but you've got to be careful not to go too wild with them. The problem is that if you do use them a bit excessively, they begin losing impact. Instead of your readers being all, "DUN, DUN DUN," they just start being like "okay, yeah, dramaticness and stuff." I've probably made no sense there, but I'm sure you see what I'm getting at!

Now I don't know if this is just me and my previously mentioned attention spam of a deformed goldfish, but I struggled a bit when it came to imagining what the Stalker looked like. At first, anyway; I did sort of get it towards the end. The slight confusion I felt at first was a bit distracting though, and it made me struggle to imagine what was going on a little bit. I first assumed the Stalker was just some crazy human or something, but then you started mentioning loads of legs and I was like wut. I don't know why but I always imagine something with lots of legs as being pretty slow, which does sort of make sense as it's also true in nature... I mean, I could outrun a millipede. As a result, I imagined the Stalker as being kind of slow then, but it's obviously meant to be fast so my mind was a bit all over the place. Like I said, this may just be a me problem, but hey, I figured I'd mention it.

The only other critique I have is sort of on a similar note because it's about the Stalker again. It's just that I found it really odd how when Aifric kicked it off her, it happily ran away and left her alone. I mean, dang, that thing was going crazy moments ago trying to slaughter her. Why would it suddenly just not bother anymore? I'm going to guess it has something to do with the other Stalker that screamed from the distance, but then that still bugs me... I mean, why didn't the Stalker chasing Aifric stop chasing her the second it heard the scream? Why would it wait a little and then go after the other Stalker? If it was something important enough for the Stalker to leave its prey, then surely it would have left the second it heard the other one's scream.

Aaaaaaaaaand I think that's it! Nothing else really bothered me, although the dialogue where Aifric was all "I am Aifric Ní Mhurchú and I saved your from a Stalker, so suck it, yo" stuck out to me a bit. For whatever reason, it felt a little info-dumpish. I think it was the way she used her surname when she said it because it felt a bit like "I am the main character and this is my name." It's hardly an issue at all really, but I figured I'd mention it. But anyways, yus, I really enjoyed this chapter overall! The concept seems pretty awesome and original thus far, and I think there's loads of places you could take this story. I like not being able to predict what will happen next, and I can't with this, so yay. I shall get to the next chapter soon! :)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey there!

I have to say that you definitely caught my attention with this story! Your writing was incredible, your setting was fascinating, your plot was addictive, and your main character was captivating!

I would definitely keep reading this! I love that right away your thrown into an impeccable adventuresome chase! And I especially liked the "stalker" concept. I was sure there was some creepy man following your character then come to find out it's some kind of creature with six legs!

That alone brings up several plot twists, and I instantly wondered what these things are and what the world has come to! Way to grab the readers attention! :)

I also loved the dialogue between your characters! It was very well done! And I would like to say that I loved the names even being an American. ;)

Overall this was superb! I'm excited to read more!

Keep Writing! :)

User avatar
hudakp Comment

I like it. I hope you will continue. It was really good choice to place your story to the area you know well.
As the medical student I must say that it was really nice pick of antibiotics (amoxicilin). :)

First: All of my critiques are my opinion alone. I only want to suggest possible avenues of editing, they are not necessarily correct. Also, this is my first critique on this site.

I enjoyed the pacing of your story chapter. There is one part toward the beginning of the mention of the stalker that tripped me up a little. You wrote that “The Stalker was catching up”, and then in a following paragraph you wrote “The Stalker moved so quietly she couldn’t tell if it was catching up”. Ideally, I would like some clarification about how she could tell at one point but not at another.
The plot was engaging, I found myself fearing for the safety of your main character, and I thought you set up the unique personalities of some of the other characters well. I would like to read more and see how the rest of the story unfolds. Your description is exemplary in some areas, but be careful not to get too repetitive. You could alternate which senses you focus on in certain areas.
I am eager to find out what specifically caused your story world to become this way, the origin of the Stalkers, and what Aifric plans to do about her situation. Well done.

I like the idea, and I'm looking forward to reading more. So do continue your experiment.

Also, I find the names interesting. :D

User avatar
beckiw
Review
beckiw wrote a review · Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:43 am

I've already told you that I love this and want you to write more! I enjoyed the snippet at the beginning as well that I hadn't read before. I like the fact that you call them The Stalker at the beginning so you instantly think she is being followed by some person and then you're like...wait what? 6 legs? WHAAAAT?

And personally I love the names. They all awesome! :D

Please keep writing!

I didn't mean to make that a review! Oops!



Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
— Samuel Butler