z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Mr. Timetraveler - Chapter 1

by Steggy


Stone walls were around me. Cold air. Stale smell. All of it was familiar. There was a low hum coming from the other side of one of the walls. Vibrating. Whispering. I remember standing there, clenching my fist and shaking. The hum was growing. The wall was shaking. I was ready.

---------------

I've forgotten most of what happened. Starting with how I got here in the first place. My head was killing me. Throbbing. I couldn’t think clearly due to the thousands of thoughts racing in my mind. My body was in pain. My spine felt as if it had been stretched out then put back. The ground felt rough. Rows of farmland. There were some trees in the distance, and a house. A barbed wire fence surrounding the field, ending at a gate by a dirt road. There were birds, tweeting a song here and there. The sun was high in the sky, the only thing in the blue. Even though the sun provided some warmth, I felt cold.

Maybe jeans and a t-shirt weren’t the greatest option, I thought standing up. I patted my back pocket, hoping to feel my phone but nothing. Panic. I groaned, hanging over. There was a slight tingling in my lower back. I can’t just stand here, and wait for someone to find me. 

I was running. The fields were zooming under my feet. Where was I running? Home, most likely. My memory was foggy- like a bathroom mirror. There were bits and pieces of what I remember, and pieces that didn’t make sense. A puzzle. All I wanted was to know where I was. Maybe the house over there might have some answers.

The gate was left open, welcoming those who dared to go forth. It hung there in space and time, much like a string holding onto a paper weight. A new world. I ran past it, squeaking from the rust on the hinges. Needs some oil. The house was nothing special. The white paint was on the outside was crackling from time and ware. Bricks were surrounding the base, much like a fundamental building block. Dry, dead grass. Worn down windows with cracks. The house seemed to be stuck in time- a wood wheel leaning against the house. A stone sidewalk leading towards the wood carved door.

If I knock, will somebody answer? I peeked through one of the windows, seeking for movement. Nothing. It was silent. The spring wind was blowing, rustling the apple tree leaves. I groaned. Where in the hell was I? Why isn’t anybody here?

----------------

In town was Mr. Tom Hanger. An old man. Sharp, witty blue eyes. Grey brown hair. Strict. He was standing inside the Olde Liquor Store. Leaning against the wood counter, he spoke with a strong accord. Wearing tan slacks, heavy black overcoat, and top hat. Ancient, some said.

“The old man by Sicking Road is speaking gibberish again.”

“Third time this month, eh?” The bartender said, wiping down the wood tables. He was a blonde. Dressed in a black vest over a white button up and black jeans. Stood loosely. 

Mr. Hanger shrugged. “I’ve lost count.”

“What’s he talking about now?” The bartender asked.

“The same old stuff he always talks about. Just yesterday he said something came falling from the sky. I think he’s just telling these stories to get attention. He’s always the attention hogger around these parts.” Mr. Hanger glanced off into distance, grasping the only reality he had left. Everything else seemed like a blur. Continuous blur. Never-ending.

“Did you hear about that Burt guy, who invented the typewriter?”

“Huh? No, I haven’t.”

The bartender chuckled, setting the just freshly glass down. “I got a letter from my sister saying she got one. Very slick and not cheap.”

“I would guess so since it is a first time invention. Anyway. I have to go. Have a good evening, Hank.”

“You as well, Tom.” Mr. Hanger waved a hand, walking down the same road home.

-------------

I was growing bored. Or incredibly annoyed. I did see some kids running around earlier, wearing knee shorts and cloth dresses. I was going to ask them where I was, but knowing me, I don’t do well with talking to people. Especially younger kids. Besides, they looked busy enough- didn’t want to disturb their “jobs”. Little wood wheels were beside the houses, green and dying grass in the front yard for the kids, and a creek running through the valley. Quite peaceful. All of it boring.

Maybe I could just break into the house, I thought. The sun was getting lower and lower in the fading afternoon sky. It also meant it was getting colder and colder. Breaking in is my only option at this point. Anything besides that, is a myth or reality.

I picked out a smallish stone to throw through one of the windows. Heavy but not heavy. Light but not as light. I steadied myself, putting my throwing hand back and before I could even make a prediction of where it might land, I felt a strong hand wrap around my wrist.

“What’d you think you’re doing, mister?” 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
73 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 73

Donate
Thu Feb 11, 2016 11:55 pm
View Likes
Swordfish wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy~

This is Swordfish here with my very first review on a novel/chapter. I guess I haven't done this before because I'm usually not interested in novels, but I must say, I really enjoyed the chapter! My immediate thoughts were, "Ooh, time travel, I must read this!" I don't believe I have ever read a novel around time travel, so this first experience was nice. I'm blabbing on about myself, so why let's get on with the actual review, shall we?
AS STATED ABOVE, I HAVE NEVER READ A TIME TRAVEL NOVEL, NOR HAVE I EVER REVIEWED A NOVEL OF ANY SORT. MY APOLOGIES IF THIS REVIEW ISN'T WHAT ONE WOULD CALL QUALITY, I AM TRYING.
Alright, I'm going to start off with the typos/errors/other-grammatical-mistakes. I was originally going to start off with the characters, but I don't think I have enough on that to bring in a report on them.
Okay, so for this first issue I found, I didn't even have to look twice to notice.

I forgotten most of what happened.

I don't know why I caught this right away, but I guess it's because it was at the beginning. I believe you meant, "I've"
Another one, which was also at the beginning, was this.
There was a low hum coming from the other side of the one of the walls.

I think you flip-flopped two of the words there, and that the first "the" shouldn't be there.
Honestly, I saw the last reviews and saw that they pointed out quite a few things, but this is all that I have personally found. Overall, the novel was really good, and I look forward to reading more of it. Keep on writing!
~Swordfish




User avatar
1087 Reviews


Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

Donate
Thu Feb 11, 2016 9:54 pm
View Likes
Sins wrote a review...



hidere.

Okay so I think this review will be pretty bad because I really enjoyed this chapter. Oops.

I forgotten most of what happened.

You seem to have a typo here, I'm guessing you meant I'd I've

I couldn’t think clearly due to the thousand of thoughts racing in my mind.

I don't know if it's just me, but thousand sounds awkward here. I feel like it should be thousands

A barbed wire fence went around the field, ending at a gate by a dirt road.

This sounds a little awkward, maybe say surrounding instead of went around.

Adventure is calling.

This is me being kind of picky, but this sentence caught me off-guard. This guy has found himself in the middle of who knows where with no recollection of, like, anything. Him being all adventure driven seems weird... I mean, we don't know the guy yet so he might not be fazed by anything, but I don't know, just seemed a little odd to me.

I ran past it, squeaking from the rust on the hingles.

I think you mean hinges. Also, the way you've phrased this kinda makes it sound like your MC is squeaking :P So maybe rephrase that!

A The white paint was on the outside was crackling from time and ware.


The bartender chuckled, setting the just clean glass down.

I'd maybe change this to ...setting the freshly cleaned glass down. The way it is now is an awkward read.

I was going to ask them where I was, but knowing me, I don’t do well with talking to people.

This sentence doesn't really make much sense. It's the knowing me part, I think. It seems like you don't need it, that cutting those words out would be beneficial. It's your call!

Breaking in is my only option at this point. Anything besides that, is a myth or reality.

Again, I don't really understand this... It's the myth or reality part. What do myths and reality have to do with breaking into a house being an only option? Like, wht. Maybe I'm just being dumb... Probably.

Overall

I don't usually do nit-picks, and I've no idea why I have today, but just roll with it. Okay, so! As I briefly mentioned at the beginning of this review, I very much enjoyed ye olde chapter. It was intriguing and mysterious and descriptive and engaging and yay. I'm assuming this guy who can't remember anything is a time-traveller based on the title, but one doesn't like to assume much so one shall not delve too much further. It's all very intriguing, anywho! I loved your opening paragraph, by they way, and good opening paragraphs are my holy water so you have blessed me (you're Jesus, basically). It instantly caught my attention and made me want to find out what the heck it was all about, so a massive thumbs up there. Some of your descriptions were really pleasant--there was one referencing a weight and string I especially liked. Overall, your grammar, punctuation and all that technical stuff was great too. I'm muchly impressed, I have to say!

Now onto the meaty stuff! I don't have heaps of critiques, but I'll hopefully be able to advise you with some stuff and not be entirely useless. I'll start with something minor, which is your MC's reaction to the house. More specifically, getting into it. Unless I'm being an idiot and missed it, he never actually just tried knocking on the door. He peeked through windows and tried throwing stones at it, but he never actually knocked... Or tried to simply open the front door, come to think of it. Yes, it probably would've been locked, but the fact he opted for throwing a stone at its windows before at least trying that seems weird. Throwing a stone at it to try and break in is itself a little unusual, but I won't dwell on it because it could just be what your MC is like as we dont' really know him yet!

Something that is kinda a critique but not really a critique is the 3rd and 1st person mix you've got going on. This is probably personal preference--you'll have readers who aren't fazed by it in the slightest--but I wasn't too keen on this POV switch, and the transition to the bar scene in the middle of this. It didn't really seem necessary. I will hold back on this because we might find that the discussion about typewriters and all that is important in future chapters, but as it stands now I don't really understand what the need of it was. Plus I'm a fussy little swine who has complexes over POV switches in novels. I can deal with several character POV's, but not 3rd to 1st person switching, it makes me run into the hills screaming in distress. But yes, I won't ramble on about this because it may end up important.

Something that is, again, kinda a critique but not really a critique is your writing style here. To sound like a broken record, it's personal preference, but I found the really short, disjointed sentences a little much towards the end of this. I mean, technically a lot of them aren't sentences but fragments, but let's not go into all that silly stuff. It's weird because on one hand I actually really liked it, but on the other... eh. I think it's because the whole chapter was in that style, and I can imagine a whole novel of really short, choppy sentences could get a bit much. Nonetheless, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a unique writing style, so I don't want to criticise you for it! There is something I think you should consider, however.

This choppy style you've got is maintained throughout the whole chapter, despite a POV switch. Now, the thing is, if you've got this style when you're writing in the voice of your MC then that's his voice. To maintain that style when the POV switches and it becomes a 3rd person piece doesn't make sense, technically, sort of, not really. I'm not really sure if that makes sense... I don't really know how to explain it. Imagine you were writing from two 1st person POV's. You'd write them differently because they're two different people, right? It should be the same for a 3rd and 1st person POV switch, basically. Bear in mind that this is an extremely fussy critique, and I'm only really bringing it up because I really did enjoy this and want to make it super kick-ass (and may or may not be due to the fact I can't think of anymore critiques so I want to give the illusion of being helpful).

Me and my qualms aside, I'm super glad I decided to read this. It's not the kind of thing I'd usually read, so for you to have captured my interest so well is certainly a good sign. I do like your style, but I'm just a little concerned that after a while it'll prove a bit too much. It might not, though, we can't really tell at this point. I'm curious to find out what the deal is with this memoryless (definitely a word, sh) guy, and you did well in ending it on a cliffhanger. One shall certainly be reading the next chapter! :D

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




User avatar
2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

Donate
Thu Feb 11, 2016 9:52 pm
View Likes
Rydia wrote a review...



Oooh time travel! I haven't even read any of this yet but I have this thing about time and I'm writing a super-hero story at the moment about a guy who controls time so yes please to time travel!

Specifics

1.

Stone walls were around me. Cold air. Stale smell. All of it was familiar. There was a low hum coming from the other side ofthe one of the walls. Vibrating. Whispering. I remember standing there, clenching my fist and shaking. The hum was growing. The wall was shaking. I was ready.


2.
I've forgotten most of what happened. Starting with how I got here in the first place. My head was killing me. Throbbing. I couldn’t think clearly due to the thousands of thoughts racing in my mind.


3.
The gate was left open, welcoming those who dared to go forth. It hung there in space and time, much like a string holding onto a paper weight. A new world. I ran past it, squeaking from the rust on the hingles.
I think you mean hinges?
Needs some oil. The house was nothing special. A white paint was on the outside was crackling from time and ware wear.


4. Nice use of short sentences to build atmosphere - it's working well.

5.
Where in the hell was I? Why isn’t anybody here?
This thought feels jarring because it's half in one tense and half in another. It's fine for thoughts to be in present tense even though the novel is in past but you need to be consistent within those thoughts. You need to choose past or present.

6.
“Third time this month, eh?” The bartender said, wiping down the wood tables. He was a blonde. Dressed in bartender clothes and stood loosely.
What are bartender clothes? This is a weak description! Is he wearing a suit or a casual shirt and jeans? Bartenders wear different clothes depending on how flashy a bar it is and these kind of details will help us get some grounding/ a sense of location. I don't know yet if it's a dive or the Ritz.

7.
“The same old stuff he always talks about. Just yesterday he said something came falling from the sky. I think he’s just telling these stories to get attention. He’s always the attention hogger of around these parts.” Mr. Hanger glanced off into distance, grasping the only reality he had left. Everything else seemed like a blur. Continuous blur. Never-ending.


8.
The bartender chuckled, setting the just clean glass down. “I got a letter from my sister saying she got one. Very slick and not cheap.”
This is a little awkward something about 'the just clean glass' doesn't work. Maybe 'the buffed glass' or 'the newly cleaned glass'?

9.
“I would guess so since it is a first time invention. Anyway. I have to go. Have a good evening, Hank.”
First time invention. I love it xD

Overall

This is fragmented but it works! There's a good sense of something to come and of layers of meaning underneath the kind of babbling start. You can't keep it going too long before you give us something firmer to hold on to but for the moment there's enough anticipation to make this hold together.

I'll aim to check out part two tomorrow and give you some more overall advice there but for now, I like where you're going with this.

~Heather




User avatar
15 Reviews


Points: 274
Reviews: 15

Donate
Thu Feb 11, 2016 5:59 pm
View Likes
moonpolice wrote a review...



This is really interesting and I'm excited to read more. I think that's it's a really original idea and that it has the opportunity to turn into something really cool. I think that one of the biggest things that you need to work on is that there are a lot of really short, really choppy sentences in this. It's a unique effect that can work really well in some cases, but when it's throughout the whole thing, it can make a story almost uncomfortable to read. A variety of sentences keeps the reader from getting bored.
Overall though, I think that this is a really good beginning to what has the potential to turn into a really great story.





i am neither a loose leaf nor do i like loose leafs. really, i am a piece of wide-ruled looseleaf paper
— looseleaf