z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Daily Stories - Part 3

by Steggy


A week later, in the afternoon, Larry the zebra came knocking on the apartment door. Harper opened it, the sounds of the TV blaring some video game Oliver was playing, behind her, even after countless times of telling him to lower the volume.

“Ah, good afternoon, Harper. How’re you today?”

“Fine, Larry. How might I help you today?” Larry smiled, placing his hooves behind his back.

“Oh, nothing really. I just wanted to remind you your rent is due today.” Harper blinked a few times before tilting her head.

“Rent?”

Larry nodded. “Yep, due today. Ah, hello Oliver!” Oliver gave a noise of recognition because he was too busy focusing on his game to say hello back. Larry chuckled lightly before looking at Harper. “So, do you have it?”

“Uh, not yet, Lar. I, um, can give it to you by the end of the day?” Larry nodded, scratching his chin.

“That’ll do, I guess. Don’t forget. It’s exactly $120 by the end of the day, again don’t forget.”

“Yep, of course, buddy. I’ll give it to you by the end of the day. Okay, bye bye.” Harper closed the door, sighing heavily and leaning against it. She closed her eyes. Her stress levels were rising higher than the water level. Oliver paused his game and looked at Harper, seeing her stressed out and broken. He thought about something that could possibly cheer her up. So, Oliver snuck up behind her while her back was turned sideways and gave a hug from behind.

“What the- Oliver, what’re you doing?”

“You seemed upset so I’m giving you a walla-hug,” he muttered into her back. Harper blinked, feeling some form of happiness in her chest. She then wiggled out of his grip and moved around him to the dining table.

“I have an announcement so please come to the table.” Oliver followed Harper to the dining table, who was already there with fingers overlapping each other. She had a serious expression on and gestured to Oliver to sit down. “Everyone here?” she asked, looking about the empty seats beside Oliver.

“Um, it’s just me and you, Harper.”

“Right. Anyway, we need to find another roommate by the end of the day to help us pay the rent for this month.” Oliver looked overjoyed with that and smiled brightly.

“That’s great!” he exclaimed, jumping out of his seat. Harper gestured for him to sit down which he did so, muttering a quick ‘sorry’. She then nodded, unsure why he was excited.

“We need to find someone who has enough money to pay the rent and I think it’d be nice to have another animal in here.” Oliver’s face was beaming.

“It’d bring my friend count up to two,” Oliver said almost jumping out of his chair.

Harper looked over at Oliver with disbelief, “Wait, what now?”

Oliver blushed saying, “Yeah, I don’t have many friends other than you. You see, I’m not the most social mammal.” He then awkwardly laugh while averting his gaze to something else in the room. Harper gave him a pitying look and reassured him. “Hey it’s okay. I mean, I don’t have that many friends too so look like we’re in the same boat.” Oliver then looked at Harper and smiled. “If we need people to come here, we’d need to make some advertisements. Would you like to help me?” Oliver nodded, hopping off the chair. Harper followed after Oliver grabbing a latched cases that contained coloring pencil of a large variety.

They worked all afternoon creating at least thirteen posters which they then hung around on some cork boards downstairs and outside Larry’s office. Once the last poster was hung up all they could do was wait. Back in Harper’s apartment the clock chimed four disrupting the sound of the TV playing. After clock chimed it’s final chime Harper shut off the TV. There was silence for awhile but then a sound of Oliver’s stomach growled ferociously causing him to blush and hide his face from embarrassment.

“Oh? Sounds like someone is hungry. How about I grab us some food?” Harper asked, snickering at her hungry friend.

Oliver squeaked replying, “Yes, p-please that would be nice.”

“Chinese?” Harper asked. Oliver simply nodded partially hiding his face in a throw pillow. Harper grabbed her purse and a nearby jacket.

“So, I will probably be back around 4:30 or something. I want you to wait here for any possible people who could come by to want move in here. Okay?” Oliver sillily waved at her and with a click of the door locking, Harper was gone. He grew bored of just staring up at the ceiling of the apartment that the wallaby slowly drifted off into a slumber.

Somewhere near their apartment a familiar hyena was out and about on a search for a place to live. He headed into an apartment that appealed to him, a sense of wonder filling his heart as he entered. When the hyena was inside, to the left of him was a check in desk and a laundry room. Larry the zebra was busy watching reality TV when the hyena walked up to the counter and rang the small bell on the desk.

“Um, hello?” he asked. Larry looked over at the hyena and nearly fell out of his chair.

“Hi, how may I help you?”

“I’m wondering if there are any rooms available for rent.” Larry slide over to a file cabinet, picking out a cream colored file that was marked Apartments Available in red Sharper. He then picked a piece of paper before throwing the folder onto the granite counter. While the zebra was skimming through the piece of paper the hyena looked around the room he was in. It was fairly well kept and there was a ceiling fan slowly spinning the around the cold air around the room causing him to shiver slightly. There was also a clock on the wall reading 4:15 pm. The only noise in the room was the ticking of the clock and the crinkling of the the paper which caused the hyena to space out into his own subconscious of his mind.

“Ah sorry, there’s aren’t any rooms available. But, there is a room looking for another roommate,” Larry said, gesturing to the cork board behind the hyena. He turned around slowly and walked to the cork board. Dozens of papers were tacked on by colorful push pins, each paper was different from the last. Some were giving away books while others were asking for people to come to a funeral by noon tomorrow. The only paper that stood out to was a drawn picture of two animals and there was speech bubbles over their heads, saying something along the lines of Be our new roommate today! The hyena had liked the details of each other animals that he was already pleased with what they had to offer. He quickly thanked Larry before running up the stairs, clutching the piece of paper to his hand. Larry nodded and yawned, leaning back in his chair.

The sun outside was slowly dipping between the trees and buildings, turning the sky into a wonderful shade of orange that was slowly pink. The hyena ran to the room number that was labeled on the paper and knocked quietly on the door. Inside, Oliver groggily woke up and looked towards the door. He then sat up, yawned, and stretched before getting up and going to it. He peered through the peephole and saw a hyena looking around nervously. Oliver blinked, unlocking the doors and opened to see the hyena. He then realized it was the same hyena from before, who had helped him find Harper in the store.

“Leo!” the wallaby exclaimed, jumping up and down. The hyena blinked twice before internally sighing a sigh of relief.

“Oh, it’s you. Hello, can I come in?” Oliver nodded hastily as Leo stepped into the apartment. He liked how the apartment looked, how the red couch had clashed against the whiteness of the room. A stack of video games was a new addition to the TV, piled neatly inside of a glass box. Leo sat down on the red couch, which also squeaked at his weight but it didn’t bother him.

“So, I hear you’re looking for a roommate, is that true?” Oliver nodded, sitting down on the other side of the couch. “How many rooms does it have?”

“Two. One of them has spiders and such in it. Lacks a good cleaning, I suppose.”

“Ah, I don’t mind cleaning. I’m pretty good if I do say so myself,” Leo bragged.

“Oh, okay!” Oliver said, smiling at Leo. “There’s someone else living here too so we’ll have to see what she says.”

“Ah, that’s fine. I-”

You.” Harper angrily said as Oliver turned towards her.

“You’re back! Did you get Chinese food?” Leo blinked before glaring at her. Harper nodded, heading towards the kitchen and placed the bag on the counter. She then looked at Oliver, who had exited to the living room.

“What’s he doing here?” Harper asked harshly.

“He’s looking to live with someone, Harper. He’s the one who helped me find you, remember?” Harper’s eye twitched at the memory.

“Yeah, I know.” She then stormed out of the kitchen and into the living room. “We don’t need you! Get out!” Leo stood up, towering over Harper.

“You know for someone shorter than me, you have a mighty high temper.” They both glared at each other beut before anyone could make a move, someone knocked on the door. They all turned while Oliver went up and opened the door, slowly. Larry was waiting there, leaning against the door frame and smiled at the three roommates.

“Ah, I see you found the room. Anyway, Harper, money please.” Harper was about to come up with a lame excuse when Leo walked over to the door.

“How much is the rent?”

“$120, exactly.” Larry state . Leo nodded, taking out his wallet and thumbing through to find some money.

“Ah, all I have is $100 so here’s that. Hey, Harper do you have a twenty?” Harper narrowed her eyes before digging into her coat pocket, grabbing a wrinkled twenty. Leo took it gingerly and gave it to Larry. “$120 dollars, exactly.” He then flashed a smile at Larry, who took the money.

“Thank you. Have fun staying here with them, as I’m assuming so.” He then waved back at the trio and descended down the steps. Oliver closed the door and smiled back at Harper while Leo turned around, smirking.

“Problem solved. I can live here with you two. Besides, Oliver likes me, so why can’t I stay?”

“I’m about to wipe that smirk off your face in point two seconds. Don’t test me.” Oliver blinked, stepping between the two.

“Harper, please stop. Leo can stay. He’s my friend. I need more friends anyway, remember? And it’d help us to pay off our rent better and stuff. So, can he please stay?” Harper sighed, rubbing her temples with a paw.

“I guess he can. But where is he going to stay?”

“Oliver tells me there’s a room that is covered in spider webs, correct?”

“Yes, but-”

“I’ll clean it first thing tomorrow morning then sleep in it the same day.” Harper narrowed her eyes.

“Fine,” she spat. “The cleaning supplies are in the kitchen. Have fun.” She the stomped her way to her bedroom, leaving Oliver and himself.

“So, Oliver, where do you sleep?” Oliver looked up at the hyena.

“I sleep on the floor.” And then followed after Harper. Leo blinked, tilting his head.

“You poor thin-” he yawned before he could finish. Leo then fell onto the couch, with his shoes still on, and fell asleep. The next morning, Leo was the first to wake up in the apartment. He groggily sat on the couch, a bit confused on where he was at first but realized, after coming to his senses, that he was inside of an apartment and to confirm this belief, a sound of the coffee marker beeped from the kitchen. At the other end of the apartment, a door slammed and the soft patter of feet was heard. Leo peeked over the couch and saw the head of the honey badger, yawning and sniffling. The hyena sat up, stretching which cause Harper to jump a little at the sudden hyena appearing seemingly out of thin a. Leo watched the stunned honey badger who snapped out of her dazed state, almost acting like her being taken by surprise never happened, and headed over to the kitchen where the only noise being her was the soft tapping of her feet across the floor.

Harper stood by the coffee machine nodding off a little but caught herself. Leo remember how rude she was to him. But since he paid most of the rent she can’t kick him out. Leo was annoyed at the sight of her but decided to be the better mammal and not let silly emotions take over. He wanted to at least be able to tolerate Harper so he approach the visibly drained honey badger and greeted her.

“Ey, how’s it hangin?” Leo said making finger guns at Harper.

Harper stared blankly through Leo as if he wasn’t here until her eyes focused and she snapped out of her trance.

“Um, do I know you?” Leo looked at her in shock, feeling a little pit of anger boiling in him, and replied with an awkward laugh.

“Oh come on, I know we just met but how could you forget a handsome hyena like myself?” Harper was zoning out, trying to figure who this animal was. She then remembered last night’s events.

“Right. I remember you now. You’re the moron that forcefully moved in with us.”

“Moron?” Leo asked sharply and before he could say anything else, Harper made a shushing noise and went over to the microwave, placing another cup of coffee in there.

“Listen, I’m barely able to function right now. Talking to you takes time away from me drinking coffee, so if you excuse me.” Harper moved past Leo and walked down the hallway to her room, leaving the hyena to his own devices. Oliver was softly snoring in Harper's room. He snuggled closer to his plushie grasping on to the warmth that it radiated. It was peaceful in the room with only the rising sun shining through the window and onto the floor. He woke up, from the slamming door and the soft footsteps walking over to where he laid.

Looking up at the honey badger with weary eyed, Harper greeted Oliver saying, “Hey, sleepyhead, time to get up.” Oliver replied with a grunt and snuggled his face deeper into the stuffed animal.

Harper shook her head saying, “Tsk, tsk. Oliver, you know it’s not good to sleep in. Now come on I will drag you out of here by your tail mister.” Oliver made noise of displeasure and rolled over facing away from Harper. Harper huffed, grabbing Oliver by the tail, dragging him out of the living room, and then picking him up and setting him on the couch next to Leo. Oliver was half awake on the couch resting his head on the honey badger plushie he was hugging. His nose started to twitch sniffing a familiar scent of warm coffee. Harper walked over with two cups of coffee in hand, one black, and one with creamer, and handed it to Oliver, who accepted it graciously. While the two of them were sipping so peacefully on their coffee, Leo got up and went to the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” Harper called from the living room. Leo opened up the first cabinet he found and noted the amount of pasta bags on small honey badger could have. He then went onto the next one, seeing it was stacked high with different cans and other things, such as spices and baking goods.

“I’m looking for the tea,” he yelled back. Harper sighed from the living room, looking down into her coffee. She drank a small sip before setting it down on the table in front of her. Oliver was busy trying not to fall asleep in his coffee, his head dropping slightly before snapping back up. He yawned several times before drinking his coffee then setting it on the table next to Harper’s, and then fell asleep cuddling his stuffed animal.

Harper walked into the kitchen to see the hyena slamming open cabinets in a vigorous attempt to find the tea items. It was amusing to her because it seemed like the hyena had searched all over the place for them but it had turned out, since he was tall and didn’t look in the cabinets below, Leo wouldn’t have realized they were there and now on the top shelves where she couldn’t reach.

She walked over to the lower cabinets, squatting down, and opened the cabinet. It revealed neatly stacked tea items such as tea tins stacked on each other, lonely tea bags were placed in separate baggies by what flavor they were (she didn’t want other flavors to mix because you would give a weird variety of tea), and boxes of open tea that seemed too old to drink. Harper stood up, grabbing a tin of green tea. She closed the cabinet and turned out, seeing that Leo had left the kitchen, giving up already on his search. Harper rolled her eyes and set the tea on the counter.

“Guess I’ll have to make it myself,” she said to herself, grabbing the kettle that was also in one of the lower cabinets. Leo sat down next to the sleeping Oliver and leaned back against the couch, looking up at the ceiling. Oliver was snoring lightly, all of him (including his tail) curling around the stuffed animal. He was in his dreamland when he left a light tapping on his shoulder. Oliver groggily turned his head, his vision blurring out the waker.

“Oliver, your coffee is going to get cold.” Oliver grunted, shoving his face into the stuffed animal while the waker sighed. “Drinking anything that’s hot that is turned cold, with flavor, is something tasteless. Besides, tea, of course, but hey, speaking of which.” Leo was going to ask where the tea was but Oliver was sleeping again.

Harper came out of the kitchen because she didn’t want to wait around for water to boil inside of the kettle. She sat down on one of the armchairs in the living room, staring at Leo.

“I found the tea, by the way,” Harper stated. Leo looked up from Oliver and at the honey badger.

“Where was it?”

Harper leaned back into her armchair, closing her eyes for a bit before smiling. “It was somewhere you didn’t look.”

Leo deadpanned, “Gee, I wonder where that could be at.” The kettle in the kitchen squeals were quickly getting higher. Harper sat up and shrugged.

“Maybe if you looked everywhere you would’ve found it.” Harper then got up and went to the kitchen, leaving Leo grumbling under his breath. She poured some of the hot water into a pink tea cup and dunked the green tea bag into the water, watching the color slowing turn a brownish color. Harper then took the pink tea cup to Leo, hoping he’d enjoy the colorful drinking cup.

“Here,” she said, handing him the cup. Leo grimaced, unliking the pink coloring of the tea cup. He was going to complain but Harper had gone back into the kitchen to heat up her coffee. He sighed, realizing the coloring shouldn’t affect his liking for tea so he took a small sip. The little amount traveled quickly down, scoraching his throat. Leo held the tea between his paws, hunching over to enjoy the warmth it gave off. The morning sunlight shone through the sliding doors that lead to the balcony, the sounds of morning traffic slowly came through the open windows around the house, and the smell of coffee and tea traveled throughout the small apartment room. Oliver slowly woke up from his semi-nap, yawning as he sat up. His coffee had gotten cold from the time being left out and he sulked about it, shaking the coffee cup to see the brownish liquid splash against the sides. Leo drank most of his tea during that one sitting, enjoying the taste of hot green tea warming his stomach. Harper was getting her now warm coffee out of the microwave and slowly made her way into the living room. Sitting down on the same arm chair, she looked over at sleepy Oliver.

“Ah, glad you can finally join us, Oliver.” The wallaby stretched, yawning once more.

“Could you perhaps heat up my coffee, please? I really don’t like cold stuff, especially when it has flavoring.” Harper sighed, drinking a little of her coffee before setting it on the table.

“I suppose so,” she said, taking the coffee from Oliver’s hands. He then saw Leo staring at him and turned his head to face him.

“Good morning, Leo. How’d you sleep?” He asked, smiling. The stuffed animal was still squeezed between his two small arms, his soft brown eyes seemed to shimmer in the sunlight, and Leo noted how his brownish hair was sticking up in some places.

“Pretty good. How about you?” He returned the smile. Oliver frowned, looking down at the stuffed animal. He began picking at the small clumps of fur.

“Fine, I suppose. It’s just sleeping on the floor can give you some back problems.”

“As well as sleeping problems,” Leo said. He then drank his tea, now cooled down to actually enjoy. Harper came back from the kitchen, handing Oliver his warm coffee, before then heading to the arm chair. The silence came again as each of the animals enjoyed their breakfast drinks. They each sat in their own world, staring blissfully into their cups. The morning had worn on quickly, traffic outside growing incredibly thicker within the hours passing. Leo finished his tea and set it on the table.

“Is it okay if I turn on the TV?” he asked, paw hovering over the TV remote. Harper shrugged, sipping at what was left of her coffee. Leo pressed the turn on bottom and saw the screen turn blue for a second before revealing the news story of the day. It seemed to be the main focus of the broadcast as a tired looking dalmatian reported it.

“If you are just tuning in, breaking news as a murder has been reported by police. A penguin by the name of Michael Penguino has been shot dead and found in an alleyway. Suspects were questioned and stated that the animal who killed Michael was none other than his wife, Peggy. Police have yet to release information on whether or not this is true. Hopefully some of you may know of Peggy, being the murderer who killed several animals during the last few years. Police have been trying to find her exact location but this might be the closest police have tried to get her.

“Stay tuned for more updates on the murder. We go to Todd, live at the scene.”

Harper blinked, gripping onto her coffee mug. She hadn’t expected murders to happen in this little city and it only seemed to bring up her anxiety about anyone that lived here. Oliver and Leo seemed unfazed by the report and changed the channel to some soap opera, where an old hedgehog was crying into her son’s chest.

“I have to get ready for work,” Harper muttered to herself. She walked into the kitchen, pouring her coffee down the sink. She watched the brownish liquid swirl down the drain as her thoughts raced. Of course, it didn’t have an effect of her but it seemed to make her wonder why it was happening. When the coffee finished going down the drain, Harper stood up with her hands on the edge of the sink. She couldn’t let it get to her; it was someone else’s problem and if she did let it get to her, then Harper would overthink the whole thing and try to find a way to help. But, instead of thinking about it more, she pushed it aside by walking out of the kitchen but before she went to her bedroom, the TV was blaring about the sob story about some teenager and her mom crying in the room next door. She let out a sigh and trudged her way to the bedroom.

Harper got dressed, standing in front of a tall mirror and nodded at her attire. She then grabbed her bag from the small wooden chair near the closet and headed out. The soap opera was still on but the scene had changed to a mother holding on her son’s hand, pleading he stay. Harper curled her lips as she went to the door.

“How can you watch this?” she asked, resting a hand on the door knob.

Leo turned towards the door and smiled. “It’s better than watching the news.”

“Whatever. Look, I have to work tonight and I don’t want you to cause havoc. I’ll be back around midnight and since you want to sleep in the pink room, you’d need to clean it, please.”

“Sure thing, mom,” Leo muttered under his breath. Harper pressed her lips together and opened the door.

“I’ll see you guys later.” And slammed the door. Leo sighed, leaning back against the couch. Oliver was focusing more on the drama that was happening on the show, his tiny paws were clenched into fists and he was mouthing “Sasha, he isn’t meant for you” which had then slowly gotten louder as the scene progressed on. Leo looked at the show and then at Oliver. He was bored of watching the soap opera and tried to think of something the two of them could play.

“Hey, Oliver, do you want to play twenty questions?” he asked, leaning forwards with his elbows on his legs. Oliver tore his glance to stare at Leo.

“How do you play that?”

“It is quite easy. One person asks twenty questions and the other is going to answer them. It can be about anything. I’ll start since I’m the new guy and I hardly know you.” He reached over and turned down the TV, the muffled commercial playing softly as Leo turned around and faced Oliver.

“So, little guy, what’s your favorite food?”

Oliver hummed. “Coffee.”

Leo blinked. “But that isn’t a-” The wallaby grabbed the hyena’s face and pulled him down to face level.

“Coffee,” Oliver said. Leo nodded softly before he pulled away.

“Makes sense, I think. Okay, your turn.” Oliver nodded, poking out his lip.

“Hmm, do you like hugs?”

Leo nodded. “Hugs are good, especially when you’re upset or something. Or surprise hugs. So, why don’t you sleep on the couch?”

“Harper doesn’t want my body to break it. She thinks I’m too fat for it.”

“Ah, I don’t think so. You look perfectly fine and we’re both sitting on it and it hadn’t broken, yet.”

Oliver nodded. “So! Where do you work at?”

Leo sat there a moment before saying, “I know this may seem rude but do you mind if I skip this question?”

Oliver blinked and tilted his head saying, “Oh, um, sure. Don’t mind.”

“So, why do you live with Harper?”

“Ah, she’s my friend who I lost long ago and found her because my mom wanted me to find some friends since I’m in college and I don’t have that many friends.”

“Oh, sounds like a trip, buddy.” A silence followed after as Leo looked at the small wallaby with disbelief.

“Wait, you’re in college?”

Oliver nodded. “I’m studying to be an art teacher. Also, that was two questions, not one.”

Leo blinked. “Sorry, I just thought you were in high school or something.” Oliver snickered a little and responded with, “Yeah, I get that a lot. Some people actually think I’m a lot younger. Okay, my turn again.” Oliver rested his chin on his wrist, closed his eyes, and thought about it for awhile. The two continued to ask questions until they ran out of things to ask. Both of them sat in silence with the mumbles of the TV.

Leo broke the silence by standing up and going to the kitchen. Oliver stayed behind, folding his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He stared at the TV while the sound of water from the kitchen. Leo came back with a cup of water and set it down on the table.

“So, should we start cleaning the room?” he suggested as Oliver uncurled his arms around his knees and sat up straight.

“It’ll give us something to do so sure.” Leo took a sip of his water and grabbed the TV remote. He shut it off and placed it on the table before standing up.

“Didn’t Harper mention the supplies were in kitchen?” Oliver smiled and got off the couch, bounding into the kitchen while Leo followed after leisurely. The wallaby opened the cabinet under the sink, grabbing bottles galore as the hyena watched from afar, over his glass cup. When Oliver had gotten the supplies, he could barely see and had to ask Leo to help him carry, who took some of the bigger bottles.

They marched down the hallway towards the pink room and when they reached the room, Leo jangled the doorknob and opened the door to the cobweb room. Oliver peered around Leo at the room. His stomach dropped at the sight.

“So, where should we start?”

A few hours later, the entire room was clean. Leo and Oliver were laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling and were talking about stuff. Outside the night sky was slowly taking over the evening colors with a shade of darkness. They weren’t really paying attention to anything else because Harper appeared in the doorway of the pink room and blinked.

“Huh, you guys really did it,” she said, entering the room. She was still in her work clothes and carrying a handbag. Oliver sat up and smiled at Harper while Leo propped himself up on his elbow and made a finger gun with his other paw.

“You know it!” Harper rolled her eyes at Leo’s cocky response. She then looked at her phone and realized how late it was.

“Hey guys, it’s pretty late. Which means we should probably get some rest.” She stepped out of the room and thought Oliver was going to follow her but when Harper looked back, she saw the wallaby still laying in bed next to the hyena.

“Um, are you coming, Oliver?”

“Oh! No, I would like to sleep in here, if that’s okay.”

The honey badger blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Since he sleeps on the floor, the least I could do is share my bed,” Leo chimed in.

Harper narrowed her eyes and muttered, “You guys better not be together.” Leo snickered and then sighed.

“It’s nothing like that, Harps. Just a friendly suggestion, that’s all.”

“Don’t call me Harps, you striped freak!” She then slammed the door shut and her footsteps were heard down the hallway to her room. Oliver felt the harshness of her words and turned around to see if Leo was affected by what she had said but Leo smiled at the wallaby.

“Let’s get some sleep. We’re going to be tired tomorrow.” Oliver nodded, falling down next to Leo. He turned his back while Leo did the same. He closed his eyes, the darkness hugging him while Leo was wide awake. Tears formed in his eyes as the past came through, black stallions that ruined his field of hopes and dreams of being someone new. He slept with sorrow in his heart but he hoped tomorrow would be better. And if not, then he’d figure out why. 


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Mon Aug 14, 2017 12:53 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Wow this was a long post! Reading online is often more difficult than reading a book/kindle and long pieces of work can be daunting. If you're after more reviews I would suggest splitting up this (chapter?) and posting it in two or three separate sections. It makes it much easier both to read and review. Having said that, let's move on to the review!

I'm not going to go through nitpicks line by line because we'd be here forever (though if you repost in multiple sections I'd be happy to) but I'll just give you an overall impression of your work.

To me this is an odd mix of a story. The concept of animals makes me think this should be a child's story but the way your characters act seem to suggest that your target audience is slightly older. This is something that seems to dart around a little in the whole piece of work. Decide who you want to read this, and then tailor your language use and your characters around that. Right now it's unclear to me and makes the piece harder to read. The concept of animal characters for an older audience is interesting, but you need to fully commit to it to make it work (if that's what you choose).

In general, I think you need to work on the flow of your writing. You have a lot of statements in here: 'he did this, then they did that and this was like that' etc and it can get boring if it's not mixed up with a little thought, a little emotion, some description. Play around with it a bit and try some different techniques.

The other thought I have here (and you may have done this intentionally) is that none of your characters are very relatable, granted... they're animals, but they're also not the most likeable and it makes the reader not really care about the story. I would suggest going right back to the beginning and deciding their motives and why they behave how they do. Currently to me they all seem like stereotypical teenagers but not with much more personality. I'd like to see more.

Overall, an interesting concept but needs some work. I hope this has been helpful to you.

Icy.




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Sun Jul 30, 2017 5:34 pm
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inktopus wrote a review...



Phew, your long chapters are taking a lot out of me. Maybe if you split them up into something like Part 3.1 and part 3.2 you might attract reviewers more quickly. Anyway, let's get on with it!

A week later, in the afternoon, Larry the zebra came knocking on the apartment door.

Usually, I'd say to be direct, but 'Larry the zebra' is just too direct. Saying it in a different way would probably work better.

Oliver blushed saying, “Yeah, I don’t have many friends other than you. You see, I’m not the most social mammal.” He then awkwardly laugh while averting his gaze to something else in the room. Harper gave him a pitying look and reassured him. “Hey it’s okay. I mean, I don’t have that many friends too so look like we’re in the same boat.” Oliver then looked at Harper and smiled. “If we need people to come here, we’d need to make some advertisements. Would you like to help me?” Oliver nodded, hopping off the chair. Harper followed after Oliver grabbing a latched cases that contained coloring pencil of a large variety.

Gotta make a new paragraph every time someone new speaks. You're usually good about this, but you missed it this time.

Here,” she said, handing him the cup. Leo grimaced, unliking the pink coloring of the tea cup. He was going to complain but Harper had gone back into the kitchen to heat up her coffee.

Why did Leo care about the color of his cup?

Does Leo not have any belongings? How was he able to move in so quickly and easily?

I'm still wondering about the immaturity of your characters. Harper and Leo aren't too bad, but like I said earlier, Oliver is extremely immature. I'd really like to know why all of your characters act kind of juvenile.

I've mentioned this in previous reviews, but you need to work on smoothing out your writing and using more unique description.

Overall, this chapter was okay, but I'm not the biggest fan of Leo so far.

You know where to find me if you have any questions!

~Storm





I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; Her coat is one of the tabby kind,with tiger stripes and leopard spots.
— T.S. Eliot, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats