z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Daily Stories - Part 1

by Steggy


Harper liked Target. Perhaps it was the feeling of hominess and how most animals just came and went as they pleased. There have been times where she didn’t like the animals because of how rude they were but she had tried to calm down this feeling with chewing gum on breaks or punching the life out of her stress ball. One evening, while she was working her boring job, a wallaby with mint green glasses that were too big for his face came up to the checkout lane with an arm full of cheap video games. She eyed warily at the wallaby, scanning each item until she lazily turned around towards the dimly lit screen.

“12.35, sir,” Harper stated in a monotonous voice. The wallaby was startled and began digging into his pant’s pocket and pulled out 20 dollars. Harper took the money, unsure why the poor fella was so uptight. She shrugged off the thought, proceeding to give him the correct change and then watched as he headed towards the door. As the day went on and more animals came to her checkout line, Harper had thought about the wallaby. As she was lazily looking around her while on break. Harper caught sight the wallaby outside, pacing back and forth with the bag of video games hitting against his small legs.

“What the,” Harper muttered to herself. She was confused because she would’ve thought that he would be on his way by now. A thought telling her to go and ask him if he was okay had entered her head but Harper shook off the thought and decided it was for the best not to get involved with stranger’s personal problems. Harper looked in the far corner of her laptop screen, praying her shift would be over soon. Through the blurriness of oil that was on it, she could make out the time and sighed happily. It was only a few moments because she could leave and go home.

After a few moments, she clocked out of work and said goodbyes to those she actually like. Harper pushed the backdoor into the summer heat, which caused sweat to immediately form under her uniform. She squinted at the sun, mentally blaming it for the heatwave. Harper then trudged to her crappy blue Volkswagen that has stickers covering the back window of random things she found on road trips. She threw her purse into the back seat as Harper settled into the driver’s seat. She looked into the rear view mirror and saw her tired green eyes, swirling with small hints of gold. Her black and white fear seemed up, from all the stress of work. Harper licked her paw and ran it through her hair. 

She then smiled contently, admiring her work before settling into her grouchy state. When she pulled around from the back, Harper waited for traffic to clear before leaving. Cars rushed by quickly because it was rush hour and if she did go, it would cause for an accident. There was also a line of people waiting to go and that doubled her waiting time. While whistling to the radio, Harper noticed something from the corner of her eye.

She looked in her side mirror and saw the wallaby still in front of the store. He was sitting on the cement, with his head between his arms. Why is he still here? Harper thought. She pulled out of her line and stopped in front of the wallaby.

“What are you doing here?” Harper asked, rolling down her window. The wallaby bolted upwards with fear plastered against his face. Harper sighed, turning her car off and getting out. She realized that this wallaby only came up to her waist and brown fur that tipped with black on the ears and hands.

“I’ll ask again. What’re you doing here?” Harper asked, glaring at the wallaby.

“W-Well, I-I am wai-iting fo-or someone, y-you se-e,” he stammered, walking backwards with his hands up. As he was walking backwards, a rock was in the way and he didn’t realize it until his foot misstep on it, causing the wallaby to spin around in an attempt to gain his balance but it seemed hopeless so instead, he fell face down onto the cement with Harper who was stunned for a moment let out a snort noise and was trying not to laugh at the fallen wallaby. The wallaby sat up, holding his nose, and screamed, “It feels like I just snorted pepper!” Harper was chuckling a little as she walked over to him to check and see if he was okay. She noticed that the wallaby was tearing up a little.

“Hey, are you okay?” Harper asked the wallaby who was still on the ground.

“Um, I think so”, The wallaby said as his eyes started watering.

“Are you sure? Because you were kind of crying,” Harper said with a bit of sass.

“Am, n-not!”, the wallaby protested. Harper let out a sigh, finally picking up the wallaby and setting him on his feet.

“So back to my question, why are you still here?” Harper asked to the wallaby who was still crying slightly.

“O-Oh, um, well as I said I was waiting for someone because I don’t really have a place to stay,” the wallaby said as he was messing with some of the gravel that he had picked up. Harper looked down at the wallaby with a pitied expression.

“Well I guess I’ll be going then.” He picked up his bags and was about to leave until Harper went over and stopped him.

“Well, since I kind of responsible for breaking your nose I guess the least I could do is offer you a place to stay.” The wallaby turned around in disbelief at what he was hearing. His melancholy expression from before changed into a big bright smile as he ran over to Harper ready to give her a hug but was stopped with a hand on his forehead.

“Hey now, I don’t like hugs so save it.” She said with an edge in her voice. The wallaby nodded and followed her to her car. Harper felt like she was watching over a small child but she didn’t let that get in the way of her thought process as she gestured to the wallaby to get in the car.

“She’s rather crappy and excuse the clutter inside,” Harper warned as the wallaby titled his head.

“I think it looks fabulous. I mean, it has a nice shade of blue, I think.”

“Well, thanks but again. Excuse the random McDonald’s bags and you’ll be fine. Just hop in the passenger side then we’ll leave.” She then paused. “And, try not to get blood on the seat, m’kay?” The wallaby nodded, hopping inside the old blue volkswagen. They finally drove out of the store parking lot in silence as the wallaby looked around him.

“So, what’s your name?” Harper asked, focusing on the car in front of her.

“Ah, I’m Oliver. Pleasure to meet you!” The wallaby smiled brightly and Harper narrowed her eyes on the road. “What’s your name?”

“Harper.”

Another wave of silence washed over the car as Oliver took everything in again. The car smelled faintly of mangos and small pieces of straw paper was on the floor in front of Oliver.

“Up next is the Metal Demons with their new song, Afternoon,” the radio announcer stated. Harper turned up the volume of the radio as the song came on but something else washed over the radio. She stopped at a red light and looked back at Oliver. He was lightly snoring with the bag of video games between his legs and drooling slightly. His head was angled weirdly due to the seat belt. Harper sighed. Of course. Now I have a sleeping stranger in my car. What’s next?

Harper stopped in front of her apartment and looked over at Oliver again. He looked quite peaceful in his slumber but he needed to wake up because she didn’t want to pick him up.

“Hey, Oliver, wake up,” Harper whispered, poking his arm. He grumbled, turning his head. His glasses were coming off his nose slightly and Harper also grumbled, resorting to just shaking him by placing a hand on his shoulder and rocking slowly.

“Wake up!”

“Momma just killed a man!” Oliver yelped.

“What?”

Oliver yawned and said, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Wow, are we already here?” Harper sighed, reaching behind her seat to grab her purse.

“Yeah, because I used super speed to travel here,” she sarcastically said.

“Really?” Oliver asked, genuinely interested.

“No,” Harper said and then got out of the car. Oliver made an ‘o’ with his mouth and followed suit. Her apartment was between two other apartment complexes, squished from the constant budgeting and weather. Vines crept around the old brick buildings with small red flowers. Harper flung her purse over her shoulder and gestured Oliver to follow her, which he complied.

The old landlord greeted them, a zebra wearing a flannel, with a smile.

“Ah, good evening, Harper. Oh, is that your boyfriend?” He asked, looking towards Oliver.

“Um no, he isn’t, Larry. He’s um,” Harper stalled for a word. “A friend, I guess.” Larry chuckled before winking.

“Sure, he is. Well, I’ll leave you be,” the zebra said before moving past and through the door where they came from. Harper sighed, clearly annoyed. Oliver reached out and wrapped two small arms around her middle section. “Get your arms away from me,” Harper said coldly.

“I’ve never been called a friend before, so thank you,” Oliver stated before unwrapping himself and stepped away, holding a bright smile. Harper rolled her eyes, going to the elevator. They rode up with the awkward elevator music playing sweet jazz which had Oliver humming quietly too. When they got onto her floor, they exited the elevator and headed down the hallway. They ran into several of Harper’s neighbors, who all looked at Harper and Oliver, all thinking are they dating? before leaving them be. Harper took out a key card and slid it down the sensor, stepping in with Oliver following after. The smell of strawberries greeted with the wallaby as he smiled happily.

“Sit down on the couch while I go get you a clean cloth to clean your nose,” Harper said, throwing her bag onto a nearby chair. Oliver nodded and headed over to the couch, sitting down. It squeaked under his weight but he was more interested in the apartment. The walls were painted vanilla and harbored pretty paintings that showed different landscapes. A sliding window showed the outside, which was on the far right of the room and the flooring was white carpet, too. The couch was a soft red that had yellow pillows on each side.

Harper walked out of the kitchen, carrying a damp cloth and handed it to Oliver, who took it gingerly. He then placed it lightly on his nose, hissing at the pain before settling into the couch. The bag of video games was near his legs, the green bag seemingly glowing on the white carpet. The honey badger noticed the couch slightly leaning down and tilted her head.

“You need to lose some weight,” Harper commented.

“I’m not fat! I just have a lot of fur that’s all.”

“Sure, it is.”

Oliver pouted while Harper laughed lightly. “I’m kidding, you know that, right?”

“Well, it seems like you aren’t!”

Harper shrugged, leaning back into her chair. “So, tell me, Oliver, what brings you to this area?” Oliver slowly wiped away at the dirtiness of his nose before placing the cloth on his leg.

“Ah, I was looking for you.”

“Huh?”

Oliver yawned before shaking his head. “I am here because my parents didn’t want me living with them and to find friends because I’m ‘lonely’ so they suggested I look for you since your parents and my parents knew each other. We also were friends when we were younger but since your father left, we didn’t have much time to say goodbye to each other.”

Harper leaned forward. “So, you’re telling me you’re here because your parents wanted you to find some stranger on the street who looks your friend?”

“Basically, but I know you’re my friend!”

“How come?”

Oliver scratched his cheek while smiling sheepishly. “I think it is because you are honey badgers and both remarkably sassy.” Harper felt a sudden wave of nostalgia wash over her as fond memories that were blocked out of a small wallaby with a wonderful smile and herself. She had now realized it could possibly be the same dorkish wallaby from years ago.

“What’s my favorite color, then?” Harper asked.

“Ah, orange?”

“Correct. What’s my favorite thing to do?”

“Well, you enjoy being snappy at everyone and stealing things. Also, mint ice cream is your favorite ice cream flavor,” Oliver answered. He then cocked a smile before leaning forward. “My turn.”

Harper blinked. “I barely remember you, sorry.”

“Oh…” Oliver said sadly, leaning back. There was a strong silence with the cars creating a madhouse lullaby, singing with the airplanes that flew overhead. Harper was spacing out, thinking about what to eat for dinner when Oliver suddenly yelped.

“I don’t have a place to stay!”

Harper blinked a few times, coming back from her spaciness and looked at the wallaby. “Do you want to stay here? I kind of assumed you were, anyway.”

Oliver smiled brightly. “If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. The only problem, I only have one room but.”

“But what?”

“Let me just show you,” Harper said, getting up. Oliver followed after, leaving his video game bag and the clothes near the couch. The honey badger forcefully opened the door and coughed at the swirl of dust that welcomed her. Oliver was standing besides her and looked in. The bedroom was covered in a thin layer of dust and in the right hand corner of the room, there was cobwebs. As he looked around, he also caught sight of some weird lumpy furniture near the cobwebs in the corner.

He turned around with weary smile and looked up at Harper and asked, “You wouldn’t lock me in there, right?”, Oliver said with a nervous tone.

Harper thought about it and considered the state of the room and simply stated, “Nah, nobody deserves to suffer that much.”, which was followed by a huge sigh of relief from Oliver.

“Hmm, you could sleep on the couch but then again I don’t want you to break it.” Harper said looking at Oliver cautiously. Oliver rebutted with, “It’s not fat, I am just fluffy!” Harper then patted his head and chuckled. Oliver made a pouty face but accepted the pat on the head.

“Oh? What about that room?” Oliver pushed pass Harper to get to the last room at the end of the hallway.

“That’s my-” before Harper could finish, Oliver had opened the door and squealed so loud. Oh jeez, the honey badger thought before walking to where Oliver stood. He then turned around, with that big smile and and looked at Harper.

“You have stuffed animals too?”

“Well, yeah, but don’t you dare tell anyone. I only keep them there because it helps me sleep. Now, you can’t sleep in here bec-”

Oliver gave Harper his best puppy eyes which then caused Harper to groan and facepalm. “Fine! But, you have to sleep on the floor.” Oliver giggled and went into her room, sitting on the floor.

“Can I sleep with this one?” He was patting a large stuffed honey badger wearing a red bowtie. Harper groaned again.

“Fine, but you better not snore or anything funny like that.”

“I promise.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
235 Reviews


Points: 2200
Reviews: 235

Donate
Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:57 am
View Likes
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey Dino! Storm here for a review this fine review day, so let's jump right into it!

One evening, while she was working her boring job, a wallaby with mint green glasses that were too big for his face came up to the checkout lane with an arm full of cheap video games.

I thought that Harper liked Target. I'm a bit confused now.

Harper then trudged to her crappy blue Volkswagen that has stickers covering the back window of random things she found on road trips.

You have a tense change here. You want to make sure that you stick with past or present tense and don't change it.

The first thing that I noticed while reading this is that it was very very telly. You need to show more and tell less. It's an age old piece of advice, but it's just as important now as when it was first used. Show, don't tell.

The second thing was that the fact that Oliver knew Harper seems awfully convenient. If that was the case, then why didn't he recognize her when she was at the checkout counter? And why didn't he contact her before he left home and banked on meeting her. If not contacting Harper herself, why not her parents who could then talk to Harper about it?

I think that this has a ton of untapped potential, you just need to get the basics down a little more. The narrative seems like it'll be very sweet and fluffy, but you need to iron out the fabric of the plot and mend the holes.

Overall, it does need a lot of work, but I think that it could be a really fun story.

You know where to find me if you have any questions about any of the points I made in this review.

~Storm




User avatar
641 Reviews


Points: 46598
Reviews: 641

Donate
Thu Jul 27, 2017 10:28 am
View Likes
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Dino! I'm Pan and I'll be frying up a review for you today.

This was a charming read. There's something sweet about it, and I love how deftly you interweave the abnormal aspects of the story (the fact that they're all animals) with such an ordinary, familiar setting. It's engagingly surreal, and right up my street. I love seeing the bizarre mixed up in the mundane.

Your writing style itself is fairly polished, if a little clinical, but I'll get to that later. I didn't spot many grammatical mistakes. You've also got a good grasp of character; Harper and Oliver feel distinct and their personalities are evident without being overwhelming. It's a piece with real potential; it's just fine details that need tweaking, so I'm going to be quite thorough with this review. I'll start with nitpicks then close with some general pointers.

Nitpicks

Perhaps it was the feeling of hominess


Do you mean homeliness?

There have been times where she didn’t like the animals because of how rude they were but she had tried to calm down this feeling with chewing gum on breaks or punching the life out of her stress ball.


The piece is written in past tense, so you should use the past perfect here - i.e. 'there had been times where she didn't like the animals'.

You also have a habit of being overly wordy with how you express things, which makes your style a little convoluted in places. If you can express it in less words, you should. For instance, you could rephrase the above sentence as:

There were times where she disliked the animals for their rudeness, but she always calmed herself by chewing gum, or, when that failed, punching the life out of her stress ball.

That's just an example, but you can see how much smoother it is. Make sure you read your work aloud if you don't already, because that's a key way to spot overlong sentences and clunky bits of expression.

One evening, while she was working her boring job,


I thought she liked Target? You open the piece by saying she likes the place, everything else seems to be a bit at odds with that statement. She doesn't seem to enjoy being there. You may want to consider altering the opening line.

She eyed warily at the wallaby


Odd syntax. 'She eyed the wallaby warily' would flow better.

“What the,” Harper muttered to herself. She was confused because she would’ve thought that he would be on his way by now.


Two things.

1) You're missing a question mark. The dialogue would be best written as:

"What the-?" Harper muttered.

2) The bolded section is telling writing. 'Show don't tell' is the tiredest bit of writing advice there is, but it's still crucial. With the bold, you spell out Harper's thoughts to the reader rather than letting the reader infer them for themselves, which makes the writing less effective. I would delete that sentence, personally, but it's your call.

Harper pushed the backdoor into the summer heat, which caused sweat to immediately form under her uniform.


This is an example of clinical description. Sure, it gets the job done, but it doesn't really make me identify with the feeling. It doesn't capture the physical sensation of the heat or the sweat (do honey badgers sweat??).

If sweat is forming under her uniform, how does it actually feel? Does it dampen her fur, make her uniform stick to her? Is the uniform scratchy? Try to be specific. Don't just describe what's happening, describe how it affects the senses.

She squinted at the sun, mentally blaming it for the heatwave.


I see what you're going for, but it's a bit of a weird line. Of course the sun is responsible for the heatwave. From a completely objective perspective, you could still blame it. It might be better if you had Harper actually insult the sun or vow to punch it or something else nonsensically petulant.

She threw her purse into the back seat as Harper settled into the driver’s seat.


Given she's the only person in the scene at this point, I wouldn't switch back and forth between calling her 'she' and 'Harper'. We know who 'she' is, so you don't need to clarify it for us, and swapping between the names makes it read as if 'she' is referring to someone other than Harper. Just stick with 'she'.

Her black and white fear seemed up, from all the stress of work.


What does this mean? Did you mean to write 'her black and white fur stuck up'?

“W-Well, I-I am wai-iting fo-or someone, y-you se-e,” he stammered


Don't overdo the stammering. It's worth remembering that people don't really trip over words that much when they're nervous; they're just as likely (if not more) to start saying something and then say something else. As in:

"Well, I thought I'd- I'm just, um, waiting for someone."

They might also repeat themselves a bit and speak in a choppy sort of way.

"I'm just- I'm waiting. Waiting for someone. That's all."

There's a number of different ways to show nerves in dialogue. Stuttering is one of them, but it shouldn't be the only one you make use of. Whichever you use, be sparing with them. It's easy for nervous speech to become OTT in writing, so try keep it as subtle as possible.

As he was walking backwards, a rock was in the way and he didn’t realize it until his foot misstep on it, causing the wallaby to spin around in an attempt to gain his balance but it seemed hopeless so instead, he fell face down onto the cement with Harper who was stunned for a moment let out a snort noise and was trying not to laugh at the fallen wallaby.


Blimey, that's a long sentence. Remember what I said about not being overly wordy. You could stand to make this much more concise. As another example:

“W-Well, I-I am wai-iting fo-or someone, y-you se-e,” he stammered, walking backwards with his hands up. His foot caught on a rock and he stumbled, grasping air, and crashed face first on the concrete. Harper snorted and bit back a laugh.

See how much you can cut it down? If you chop the unnecessary words, you get straight to the point. It helps the pacing and the flow no end.

“Are you sure? Because you were kind of crying,” Harper said with a bit of sass.


You shouldn't have to tell us that she's being sassy; we should be able to glean that from the dialogue. Scrap the bold.

Harper looked down at the wallaby with a pitied expression.


A pitying expression, you mean. Pitied would mean that her expression was the thing being pitied.

“She’s rather crappy and excuse the clutter inside,” Harper warned as the wallaby titled his head.

“I think it looks fabulous. I mean, it has a nice shade of blue, I think.”


I like this snatch of dialogue. It characterises them both well.

They ran into several of Harper’s neighbors, who all looked at Harper and Oliver, all thinking are they dating?


Would everyone really presume that? I know people can be dumb about stuff like that, but it seems weird that they'd all see Harper and Oliver together and assume that the most likely explanation was that he was her boyfriend. It seems odd that they'd be that interested in the first place.

“I think it is because you are honey badgers and both remarkably sassy.”


I feel like it's a bit of a push to call Harper remarkably sassy. She's a bit blunt and grouchy, but I haven't seen much witty backchat from her. You'll have to show the sassiness more in her dialogue, because at the moment it's very much an informed trait.

Also, why didn't he bring up that Harper (presumably) has the same name as the person he was friends with? That makes a much more compelling case for them being the same person than them both being sassy.

“I don’t have a place to stay!”

Harper blinked a few times, coming back from her spaciness and looked at the wallaby. “Do you want to stay here? I kind of assumed you were, anyway.”

Oliver smiled brightly. “If you don’t mind.”


This was sort of confusing. Didn't she tell him that he could stay with her when they were outside Target? Why has he suddenly forgotten that, given that it's the whole reason she invited him back to hers in the first place?

there was cobwebs.


Should be 'were'.

“Hmm, you could sleep on the couch but then again I don’t want you to break it.” Harper said.


Brutal! Also, remember that dialogue shouldn't end with a full stop if a reporting clause comes after. I.e. it should be:

“Hmm, you could sleep on the couch but then again I don’t want you to break it,” Harper said.

General Comments

1) In my opinion, the main thing you need to work on is being concise. You sometimes include information that isn't that necessary and describe things in a rambling way. When you edit, aim to cut down words and rephrase sentences to make them as clear as possible. This will help the flow of your writing and the pacing, because cutting excess words will help speed the story up.

2) Showing and telling. You need to trust more in your reader to infer the meaning behind your characters actions and dialogue, because at the moment you clarify too much. You often stop to tell the reader the tone in which the characters are speaking, which slows down the conversations and detracts from the dialogue itself. Showing and telling is a huge topic which I don't have the time to go into fully, but I'd suggest you read this excellent article for a quick crash course in what it is and how to go about improving your grasp on it.

3) I was a little confused as to why Oliver only brought up the fact that he and Harper were childhood friends after he got to her apartment. It seemed to come completely out of nowhere. Why didn't he mention it the moment he heard her name? Or even earlier, given that he was specifically waiting outside the video shop for her? I get that he's awkward, but it's a strange thing to hold back on.

I'm going to call the review there. This is a sweet, surreal little piece with well-drawn characters and an interesting set up, so I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes. I hope this critique was helpful. If you've any questions, just ask.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Steggy says...


Wow thank you for this review! It is very helpful ^^



Panikos says...


Glad to hear it! You're welcome! :D




I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart; I am, I am, I am.
— Sylvia Plath