Dear Helen,
It's rather late in the new year to be acknowledging Christmas cards but that's what I find myself doing. Received yours and also the cigarettes, thank you for those. For the last two months have been out on trips most of the time and have fallen behind in writing except to Jackie, of course. Have made one run to India and a couple out into the desert on the job I trained for, but except that I landed at some very interesting places and had several experiences, censorship forbids details. I was in the danger, however.
Have been resting up the best few days, see movies every night and go to bed. The town here is out of bound at present, but one of the fellows and I went in Monday on business, he to get a suitcase, and I to pick one up that I had left to be up-aired. We rode around on bikes for a while, had a steak dinner and back to camp. After seeing these towns a couple of times, these is not much of interest for soldiers, except a couple of drinks and a I haven't been doing much of that lately.
This will surprise you, Sis, I received a letter from Walter after Teddy gave him my address. He hasn't gotten a commission yet but seems well satisfied with his job with Chrysler. Will want him when I get him on my list.
Jackie tells me she and Rolly have been okay except for colds, but don't let that stop you from letting me know how that son of mine is doing, now that he is your neighbor. Hope you and Dennis and the children have been well and tell them Hello for me. Teddy sent me some pictures, one of you and Dennis on the steps of that cabin up North, and one of Dennis with a string of whales. I envy him that satisfied look on his face holding that fish.
Had you like your new home and wish I were there to enjoy that snow. It's been a little cooler here but is warming up fast and in a month or so will have some real heat.
Well, Sis, it's about chow time. Tell Cathy, hello and I'll write later. So long for now, and write when you have time.
With Love,
Lisa
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey, StegPeg! Pomp here for a quick review~
So, an epistolary novel, eh? I've always had a soft spot for those, mostly because they seem so ... inviting, so warm and full of life. Reading an epistolary novel's always felt a bit like snooping to me, like listening in to a group of girls gossiping and being utterly amused by what they have to say--in short, it makes me feel like a spy. XD They's also very fascinating, by the way, epistolary novels, and I ought to stop rattling on about them and get to the criticism!
My first criticism is mostly structural: You use a lot of fragments. To some extent, fragments are a brilliant device for building tension and making short, snappish statements. At the other extreme end of the board, however, fragments make most writing seem choppy, monotonous and--frankly--rather uninteresting. The letter started out as interesting, but it failed to captivate me as I read along because the writer seemed to be listing down a series of events for the receiver. I also found the syntax to be a little stilted, but that's nothing that some breaking down shouldn't solve!
Breaking down the first para:
~ I tweaked the words so instead of simple present tense ('I find myself...') we have present-perfect tense. This is because the writer is not doing the actions as they happen, but has performed these actions at an unspecified point at time prior to writing the letter.
~ I shuffled the words up a little, mostly because A] The writing reads as too formal, and this is obviously a personal letter, seeing as the character is writing to her sister; B] it's a wordy sentence, and it's kind of hard for the reader to keep up with what's going on, which brings me to C] aka, the sentence would be better off if you divided it up into two or more. I've added an en-dash (--) before 'except to Jackie', because not only was a pause appropriate there, but it was also a dependent clause: you couldn't have divided it up without it looking awkward.
These are all just suggestions, of course! You can mix and divide your sentences as suits you~
In red we have a moste vicious beast, a beast that threatens the cohesiveness and clarity of writing: it is called! a run-away sentence. This article might help.
Word of advice: if you want to catch awkwardly structured sentences, read this out loud to yourself. What makes/doesn't make sense? Would you understand this letter if someone else had written it to you? One of the issues, I think, with epistolary novels (novels using documented means like letters, diary entries, etc. to tell a story) the issue is that you don't really have any backstory with which the reader can be addressed.
Another issue I caught was the fact that the letter skims across a /lot/ of stuff that is unexplained to the reader: it jumps from point to point and none of the information really seems to settle in. You mention a lot of people, and I was interested to know that Lisa is in the army(?) or in some sort of military service; it'll probably make for an interesting collection of letters ahead. That said, I think the reader could integrate and make more connections with your world + the characters you skim over if you dropped subtle details. Like, when you mention Walter getting Lisa's address, she mentions that 'this may surprise you, sis', but her own emotions are not conveyed. Even a 'can you believe it?' would suffice. Also, why would this be surprising, that Walter wrote to her? The readers missing on quite a bit of info here. And when you mention Chrysler--what kind of person is he? You could tell your reader quite a bit by tagging little rhetorical questions alongside all the tid-bits Lisa conveys to Helen--the answers to which Helen probably knows, but the writer does not, and which Lisa might be using to jump-start Helen's memory. A simple 'you remember this guy, don't you? you remember what he did, right?' is amazing for getting across valuable information.
I'm interested to get to know these characters better, as well as to see the interaction between Helen's new neighbours (Lisa's children?) and Helen's family, which will probably be the subject of discussion in future instalments? Lisa's life sounds interesting as well--it's something I'd like to know more about.
Keep writing, Steg! Keep it up! I hope to see more from you soon.
PM me if you have any questions~
~Pomp c:
Thank you! I should be able to correct those mistakes!
Hey Steg!
This is a very interesting story told through a letter. I can't wait for your next part! However, there are quite a few technical errors in here. Is this just because Lisa makes quite a few mistakes in her letter? If not, then I think you need to take a pretty close look at this and fix some things. I'll just let you decide and do that for yourself, and I'll just point out some other things overall.
I really would just like to find out more about these characters! I'll bet that we'll know some more in future chapters, though. ^-^ Most importantly, I want to know everyone's relations to each other! It's a bit confusing at the moment.
I like your formatting at the bottom. It adds a little bit of style to your character.
Alright, I think that's it. It sounds very much like a real letter, so good job with that! I'll be waiting for the next one.
-Falco
I'd say this is really well written overall. The blend of homely, almost nostalgic emotions to portray the theme of missing family is really well done. The imagery is carefully chosen to portray a powerful narrative. Good work ._.
I'd add a comma after cards to let the sentence breathe a bit.
I like the idea of her sending Helen cigarettes.
hm, that's intriguing. This is a good way to end the beginning. But I think "danger" is a lot stronger of a word to end it on than "however". So I'd personally word it, "However, I was in the danger." It's just more of a stinging end to the opening.
hm, so the main character might be seeking some sort of new happiness.
Overall, I like this a lot. I'm at a point in my life where most of my family I grew up around have moved far away or we just don't speak much, so this really hits home for me, and hopefully a lot of others too. It's a powerful message orchestrated strongly. It gets an A from me, good job x_x
Hi Stegosaurus, and welcome to YWS!
Let's get started, shall we?
After reading the first few sentences, I started to imagine Lisa's voice reading it aloud. I really like the way her voice comes through the words straight to the imagination. Good job!
In the first paragraph, I was already beginning to piece together some details about Lisa. She seems to be an adventurous sort of woman, what with all her trips, India, a desert job, censorship, and even danger! My first guess was that she was a soldier, which was implied later on.
I didn't understand the second paragraph, though.
What do you mean by "up-aired"? What exactly was Lisa picking up? I think that this sentence could used a tad bit of polishing.
So, does Lisa also work for Chrysler, that she is expecting Walter to "get on her list"? Or is she expecting that Walter will leave Chrysler (even if he is satisfied with his job there) and join the military? I'm a bit confused.
So, I got the main gist of the letter, I think. Lisa is a soldier describing her life to her sister, Helen. There were a couple tough spots in the paragraphs that I couldn't quite figure out, but a bit of polishing and revising should fix that.
I'm very curious about what time period this letter is from. I was thinking perhaps 1940's or some time around then?
Well, I hope this review helped, even a little. Again, welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here, and that you keep on writing!
Cheers!