Descendant of the Dragon - Prologue

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Prologue

She could hear the wind roar from the mountain tops behind them. She couldn’t feel the wind’s touch, which meant that the mountains were a long way behind them, which relieved her to no end. To her frail nine year old body, the trek through the Southern Mountains was the worst thing she had ever experienced. But now they were almost at the mainland, Daelora. Finally, she could rest at a normal bed at an inn, somewhere, and not in her family’s caravan, sleeping with three other kids on the rough rugs and hard wood that they called their bed. Oh how she longed for a good night’s rest…

Her parents were traders, following in their parent’s footsteps, and every single person in her family was a trader as well, always moving around the continent, trying to sell their goods to make a living. They were by no means poor, they were probably the richest nomads on this side of the planet, but her family always preferred the nomad lifestyle, instead of the ‘boring citizen life’ as they called it.

They were now passing through the Daeloran wastelands, just a few kilometers off the borders of the citizen kingdom of Daelora, Tryghav. The sun was burning down on them, and the sickly gray soil was burning her feet with heat. For all the sun above them, however, the wastelands were the darkest, most gloom filled place she had ever visited. The heated soil beneath her feet had long since cracked from the heat. The sky above them seemed dark as if filled with clouds, but not a single cloud was in sight. Wild grass had grown sporadically, but that was the only sign of life in the vast wasteland. She hadn’t seen a single animal, be it small, or large, and she wasn’t wondering why. She doubted any animal would actually choose to live in such a sad place. She turned to her left, her eyes forming narrow lines as she squinted, trying to see if she could spot any wild animals.

“Tayla, hurry up! You’re falling behind!” she heard her mother yell. Her neck snapped to the direction of the voice.

She noticed that she was indeed a long way from the caravan. It wasn’t her fault that she had short legs! She ran as fast as her small legs could go, trying desperately to catch up to the caravan. As she ran, she caught some movement in a nearby bush, its existence already a strange occurrence in the dead wasteland. She stopped running, and slowly edged closer to the bush, intent on finding the source of the movement. As her feet reached the end of the bush, she felt something hairy run in between her feet. Jumping slightly in surprise, she turned, and saw a sickly-looking, grey rabbit running away. Something compelled her to run after it, despite the danger of doing so. She had been longing to see another form of life except plants and her family for so long, she wasn’t going to let this one get away. She looked hesitantly at the slowly moving caravan, before shaking her head and taking off after the rabbit, leaving her family’s caravan behind her. Nobody noticed her leave…

She felt the hot air of the wasteland rush against her face as she chased after the sickly rabbit, her black pigtails waving behind her. She tried to push herself to run faster, but the rabbit was even faster. Her feet were aching and she could feel the burning in her soles worsen as she continued to run, but she paid it no mind, her only thought being the sickly rabbit running ahead of her. After a while though her body had reached its limit, and she could only watch as the rabbit disappeared from her view, her feet slowly moving to a slow walk as she tried to catch her breath. As sweat poured down her face, she turned to the direction she hoped the caravan was in, but she saw nothing except the never ending gray soil. No road and certainly no caravan in sight. By now she was sure that her mother was worried sick, and her friends were searching for her to play with them. But that didn’t matter now, as she was lost in the wasteland, and she didn’t have anything to eat or drink. The wasteland seemed like the most inhospitable place to get lost in, but she had managed to do it nonetheless.

Her train of thought was interrupted, as she heard a crack from beneath her feet. Before she had any time to react, the ground disappeared and she felt herself being thrown into the void. She started screaming as she fell toward the darkness below her, sure that her life was over. An image of her mother and her father, and all her friends behind them flashed in front of her eyes, before she closed them, waiting for the end.

She landed with a loud thud, but she didn’t feel the pain that she had expected to feel. Shaking slightly, she moved her hand to feel the ground beneath her, and she sensed something similar to sand caress her palms. She looked around as her eyes slowly got used to the sudden darkness. The light coming from the cracked ground above her helped her eyes adjust to her surroundings. Said eyes slowly widened, as she stood up.

The hole that she thought she had fallen in turned out to be a walkway. The walkway itself seemed untouched by man for hundreds of years. The sand slowly faded to reveal a pavement seemingly made of stone bricks, but the brick had deteriorated through time, making the material almost unrecognizable. Dust of uncounted ages had accumulated on the walls, yet she could still make out the carvings that they were filled with. The age old carvings were in a language probably long forgotten to mankind, but in between the words of the strange language, she could see drawings of all sorts, her eyes struggling to absorb everything in sight. The drawings mixed well with the words, creating an intricate language that absorbed her into following its path through the strange walkway. She traced the carvings as she walked, stopping to inspect some that interest her. Soon, words disappeared completely, and all carvings were now drawings of different scenes. She saw drawings of the sun over armies of figures that were fighting against each other. One side seemed to be winning as it steadily grew in number, and strange new figures appeared in the vicinity of the figured army, towering over the other figures. The sun moved closer to the armies as the carvings went on, until it disappeared completely, being replaced by a large moon. The steadily growing army took apart the opposing, far smaller army. Soon she saw a drawing of a fort, and a sigil she recognized above it. The triangular shield, surrounded by three drops of blood, the sigil of Tryghav, the citizen kingdom. Her eyes widened slowly, as the drawings depicted Tryghav getting slowly destroyed by the figured army. The drawings slowly faded into nothing, and she was left wondering what happened after that.

Her walking came to a halt as she noticed that her way was blocked by some kind of door. She moved her hand to inspect the obstacle in front of her. The door was made out of a black stone and it was covered in carvings like the walls of the walkway, but these carvings seemed much clearer, as if untouched by time. Three hooded figures could be seen on each side of the door’s splitting point. They were all raising their cloaked hands, pointing towards something. She moved her eyes to the direction that the hands were pointing to, and she saw a seventh figure, with the splitting point of the door running through the middle of it. All the figured were surrounded by a thick circle and the sigil of Tryghav was visible below the circle, the figured army destroyed around the sigil. She moved her hands to touch the door, wanting to see for herself how the strange stone felt. As soon as her flesh touched the cold, black stone, she felt a sting on her fingertips, but before she had time to look at what had hurt her, the stone door started to move on its own, opening slowly, revealing what was behind. Her eyes widened slowly, as a red light shone on her, temporarily blinding her.

She was standing on the entrance of a circular room. The room was made with the same black stone that the door was made out of. The domed ceiling was barely visible to her eyes, as if all the radiance from the light that blinded her got lost in the abyss above. The walls were devoid of any carvings, the polished black stone stretching around the room without a single bump. The floor of the room had lines running all over it, creating all sorts of weird shapes that all lead to the middle of the room. There, a thick stone pedestal stood alone, the only thing in the room besides her. Atop the pedestal’s flat surface there was a stone box. The box was emanating with a strange red glow, the same red glow that blinded her when she entered the room. The line created by the lid was what where the glow escaped from. She edged closer to the box, mesmerized by the lights dancing around her eyes. Her mind didn’t even register the sound of the door closing behind her, completely shutting her off from the world.

She looked at it with wide eyes, inspecting every single quality of it. It was made with the same black stone as the rest of the room, but the box didn’t have a speck of dust on it. It seemed, like the door, untouched by time, as if something was repelling any trace of time from its surface. It was filled with carvings as well, but no drawings were present here. The strange, forgotten language that she had seen on the walls of the walkway was present on the box’s surface, covering most of it. The parts that weren’t covered in the strange language were covered in even stranger carvings surrounded by circles, much like the blood magic runes her grandmother used to study from her library of ancient books. Her curiosity peaked, and she slowly started moving her hands towards the lid of the box, as if in a trance. She gripped the edges of the lid, and used all her strength to lift the heavy stone.

As soon as the lid moved, she felt something push against it, and her heart clenched with fear. Before she had time to react however, the force grew even larger, and the lid was blown off of her hands. It flew towards the ceiling of the room, getting lost in its darkness, the sound of it shattering being heard a few moments later. Her eyes moved back to the stone box, and she stared at it with wide eyes. The box started to shake, before a black mist like substance flew out of it, landing on one side of the room. One by one, six different forms flew out of the box, making the whole room darken with the black mist like substance. She fell to the ground, terrified, as she saw the shades slowly morph into the same figures she had seen on the doors of the room. The six figures circled around her, leaving her in the middle, unable to move. One of the figures turned to her slowly, and even though she couldn’t see a face, she knew that it was staring right into her soul. Ragged breathing could be heard another figure, and as the others slowly turned to it, it spoke in some unknown language that sounded foreign to her ears, as if it wasn’t even human. The figures turned to her, and they started chanting in the same language that the first one had spoken in. The sound of their voices made the hair on the back of her neck stand on end, and she felt chills run through her body.

She felt a cold sensation overcome her body, and as she looked around, she noticed that she was being lifted above the ground but nothing seemed to be lifting her. She thrashed around, screaming frantically as she tried to get away from the hellish sensation that had overcome her. Her movements came to a halt as she noticed, her eyes filled with terror, that one of the figures was walking, or floating, towards her.

The hooded figure raised its cloaked arm. The cloth was slowly pushed back to reveal a horrid, clawed hand. Its skin was gray, and it seemed to drip, covered by a slimy substance. The tips of the claws flashed bright red for a moment and the figure pulled its hand back, as if pulling on a string. She didn’t have time to wonder about what the creature seemed to be doing as she felt an excruciating pain in her chest. She slammed her eyes shut as she screamed in agony.

A stream of blood was flowing from the centre of the little girl’s chest, flying towards the creature’s clawed hand. Her body bent forward, as if the stream of blood was pulling her with it.

Over the course of the next few seconds, the stream of blood grew even thicker, her body emptying every single drop of blood it had in it. Her screaming came to a halt as her body eased up, flowing limply in the air. Her skin shrank and clung to her body, making her seem a thousand years older, her form hovering up in the air, lifeless.

The blood was now floating around the room, creating a dome above the hooded figures. Through all this, they were still chanting in their unknown language, continuing their ritual. The figure with the clawed hand returned to its place in the circle. As soon as it reached its initial position, all the figures kneeled at the same time. The blood dome above their heads compressed slightly, before exploding inwardly, washing them with blood. All the blood that touched them was absorbed instantly into their bodies, as if bypassing their cloaks. The remaining blood splattered across the black stone floor, creating a large pool of blood below the girl’s hovering figure. The figures stopped their chanting, and in a single motion, sunk into six pools of blood. The room flashed a bright red as the pools of blood disappeared, sinking into the black rock.

The room was dead silent for a moment. Then, in a soft thud, the silence was broken by the little girl’s figure falling into the pool of blood below her, a sickening splash accompanying the fall. The room was silent once more…

Comments & reviews · 7
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User avatar
SlushySlapped
Review

Hello, Stefanos!

SlushySlapped here for a review! I'm just going to go as I read. Warning: I am a nitpicker. Oh, and I'll put my suggestions in the quote so you can read it and see how you feel about it.

She could hear the wind roar from the mountain tops behind them. She couldn't feel the wind's touch, which meant that the mountains were a long way behind them, which relieved her to no end.


Maybe it's just me, but it kind of bothers me that the 'mountains were behind them' is basically there twice. Because it's already pointed out once, we know the mountains are behind them. I think that the first 'behind them' could be taken out. It would help it flow better.

Finally, she could rest at a normal bed at an inn. somewhere, and Not in her family's caravan, sleeping with three other kids on the rough rugs and hard wood that they called their bed. Oh, how she longed for a good night's rest.


I think that the first sentence could be cut in half. A comma after 'oh.' I also think that the ellipsis is unnecessary. But whatever you prefer. :)

Her parents were traders, following in their parent’s footsteps, and every single person in her family was a trader as well, always moving around the continent, trying to sell their goods to make a living. They were by no means poor, they were probably the richest nomads on this side of the planet, but her family always preferred the nomad lifestyle, instead of the ‘boring citizen life’ as they called it.


These sentences are really long! They can definitely be cut up.

Nobody noticed her leave…


I think this would sound better if it was put a little differently. Like: 'Nobody had noticed she had left.' Or 'Nobody had noticed she was gone.'

An image of her mother and her father, and all of her friends behind them flashed in front of her eyes, before she closed them, waiting for the end.


Need an 'of' here.

She landed with a loud thud, but she didn’t feel the pain that she had expected to feel.


That second 'she' isn't necessary. Three 'shes' in one sentence is a bit much.

The hole that she thought she had fallen from in turned out to be a walkway.


Need a 'from' here.

She traced the carvings as she walked, stopping to inspect some that interest her.


This either needs to be: "...interested her." Or something like, "... caught her attention." Since this is past tense.

The line created by the lid was what where the glow escaped from.


'What' is unnecessary here.

Ragged breathing could be heard another figure...


Is the ragged breathing coming from the other figure? If so, you need 'from' after 'heard.'

Okay. I know, I know. Super long and nitpick-y, but that doesn't mean I didn't like it. I loved it! You have a beautiful way of describing things. Honestly. I was not expecting that ending. At all. Which made it even more fantastic! The ending was pretty creepy, but kept me reading. This is such an interesting concept and very original. Which is so hard to do these days. So, kudos to you, my friend! You are an excellent writer and I can't wait to read the next chapter!

Keep writing!

:D

So I want to earn my next star, so I'm gonna review while I read. Kay?

I really like the girl's perspective thing. I always think boys are challenging (maybe I just think too much like a girl for it;)) but so far you've done well on the challenge of opposite gender perspective.

She doubted any animal would actually choose to live in such a sad place.

I like this line a lot, cause no one ever really thinks about it that way.

her friends were searching for her to play with them

I'm just curious about this because I thought it was previously stated that she was only with her family.

Its skin was gray, and it seemed to drip, covered by a slimy substance.

Creative. And good imagery.

The blood was now floating around the room, creating a dome above the hooded figures.

This is a totally creepy image! Right, right?

Then, in a soft thud, the silence was broken by the little girl’s figure falling into the pool of blood below her, a sickening splash accompanying the fall.

This is really vivid and an awesome way to end a prologue I think.

This is overall really good. I was kept interested and it was a very mysterious and suspenseful part to make the prologue so that was a good start. The ideas are also really interesting and original. Well written. Can't wait for Chapter One ;)

Hey, thanks for the review and your kind words :)
On the friends quote, friends don't always have to be something other than family. Cousins can be friends too, and I just pictured a large trading caravan of like 40 people or something and they're all part of the same family.
Thanks again for the kind words ;)

User avatar
OliveDreams
Review

GOOD MORNING! Happy Review Day to you. Here to return the favour & review your work this fine day.
I will review as I read so that it will make a little more sense to both me and you. I tend to ramble off point otherwise. Now, being an avid reader and writer of fantasy, I am beyond excited already to read, read, read!!!!!

Here goes!

The fact that your characters is only nine years old has already grabbed my interest.

"“Her parents were traders, following in their parent’s footsteps, and every single person in her family was a trader as well, always moving around the continent, trying to sell their goods to make a living.” - One of the first things I've noticed is your sentence length. They're very long so maybe you could vary it up a bit by shoving some shorties in there in the opening paragraphs.

"“she sensed something similar to sand caress her palms.” - I really really love this description. You have a wonderful way with words!

I love how you ended your prologue. Great cliffhanger and shock factor!

The only points I can give you really, is the length of your prologue. I know you said to Noelle down there that you didn't want to leave any of your thoughts out. Just remember that when you give the reader and inch...we will take a mile! You just need to give us the bare bones of the description and our imagination will do the rest. Promise!

Good luck & I look forward to reading some more of this soon!

Olive <3

Hey, thanks for the review, sorry for the late reply I just plain forgot about it ^^
Thank you for your kind words :)
Well since it seems like this is what everyone is noticing, then I guess I really do have to go back and shorten it up a lot. Every single reviewer mentioned the same thing haha :)
Thanks again for your review :)

User avatar
Cailey
Review
Cailey wrote a review · Sun Aug 25, 2013 12:58 am

Hey there! Cailey here from the world of Lanterns, ready for the review you asked for!

I do like this kind of fantasy story, and I think you've got an awesome idea in your hands. However, it's an idea, and it can use some work. :) So, I hope I can help you turn this into a great beginning of a story.

First of all, I'm wondering if the girl is really dead? If she's not, then that's fine and you have an interesting character to work with, I think you'll be able to do a lot with her as you continue writing. However, if she is dead and the only reason she comes in to the story is to awaken the figures, then I think you need to make a little less importance on her part.

You've got a pretty long prologue here, and a lot of it feels a little bit tedious, like you're just telling what's happening and telling what's happening. In a way it's an information overload, it's also a bit of a description overload.

And yet, you've got a lot of words, but I don't know anything about the girl except the basics, like her family and her age. I want to be able to identify with her. Don't just through facts at us (well, if you can call story facts facts) but give us a character. Tell us more about what she's like.

You did some things really well: we know she's young because of how she complains and drags behind. (Although, would a mother leave a nine year old behind? Even just a little bit behind? Then again, this is a made up world, so maybe people are most mature?) You also showed us her curiosity, in the chasing of the rabbit. (I really liked that. It was real, concrete, and I can imagine her running off to find this animal for no apparent reason.) You also show that she's a little bit fearless and courageous in the way she reacts to all the sudden events that are being thrown at her. This kid's got guts.

Of course, I think you could give more, in less words. Here's my favorite writing advice, don't tell us, show us. Also, keep in mind that you don't need to give all the introduction at once. It's okay to leave your readers hanging, plus, that makes them want to keep reading.

And, you did a good job with the figures coming out of the box and the blood and all that scene. That was my favorite part of the whole story. :D

Any questions or comments let me know. I hope this helped and wasn't harsh or anything. As always, keep writing!!!

Hey, thanks for the review, sorry for the late reply I just plain forgot about it ^^
Well, the girl still plays some part in the story, but I won't tell you anything yet. Information on her will be revealed later but i can't reveal anything yet :)
On the length of my writing, I know, I kinda draw on and on sometimes, I'll see what is unnecessary and cut it off and whatnot.
Thanks again for the review :)

You're welcome. I hope at least a bit was helpful. And it'll be interesting to see what part she plays.

User avatar
malec Review
malec wrote a review · Wed Aug 21, 2013 9:49 am

I would like to just say well done! I am just a beginning writer, so I can't really leave and constructive comments for you to use. But saying that, I enjoyed the use of suspense used throughout the prologue. The obvious darker tone is a type of story that I enjoy reading the most.

I enjoyed reading this story, and sincerely apologise for not leaving anything of use for you here.
Regards,
Phil

Haha, thank you for the review :)

User avatar
KnightTeen
Review

Hey, belated welcome to the site. HT here to review, and to kick your work outta the Green Room.

First off, since the title of this work is "Unnamed Novel-Prologue," you don't really need to put 'prologue' in the text of the story.


She couldn’t feel the wind’s touch, which meant that the mountains were a long way behind them, which relieved her to no end.


Little to much use of 'which' here in my opinion. I know it's only used twice, but having the so close together feels a little awkward to me. I think you should find an alternative for the last, 'which'.


“Tayla, hurry up!


I'm just curious as to how to pronounce the name.


The hole that she thought she had fallen in turned out to be a walkway..................................The drawings slowly faded into nothing, and she was left wondering what happened after that.


The paragraph, and almost all of the paragraphs really, seem a little long to me. Maybe you should consider breaking them up a little more.

Grammatically speaking, you are quite perfect.

The content is definitely nothing that I have ever read. It's interesting, this new world. I can't wait to read more.

Peace,
HT

Hey! Thanks for the review :)
Okay, about the first quote, would 'something that relieved her to no end' be a better alternative?
I'm not really sure how to explain pronunciation but google translate actually pronounces it exactly as I did when writing it. http://translate.google.com.cy/?hl=en&t ... l/en/Tayla
I'll see what I can do about paragraph lengths.
Thanks again for the review :)

Yeah, that would work for the first quote.

No problem. It's what I'm here for.

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Mon Aug 19, 2013 4:14 pm

Hi there!

I am going to start off by saying that is a really long prologue. There's nothing wrong with that of course, but usually prologue are a bit shorter. That way they can give the readers just a little information about the story to introduce the characters and the setting and the situation. But this is ultimately your novel so you can start it off however you want to.

Whoa, that was creepy. Real creepy. Leading up to the end I was just sitting there thinking, "Oh, she's gone wander off and find this cool magical place and this story will be about her adventures in said magic place." Boy was I wrong. I give you props for stringing me along all this time. It's really cool when an author can make you think one thing and then mean something completely different.

So, the real creepy part was when these hooded figures came about. I thought they would end up being people that would help the girl, but they were definitely the opposite. And the way you wrote the scene with the blood and everything was great. Your imagery was impressive and I could imagine everything you were describing.

Speaking of the hooded figures, I'm interested by them. They seem to be some kind of cult, but a magical one at that. Their powers must be really evil and really strong if they can take the blood out of that girl and make a dome around them with it. I'm interested to find out more about them.

Lastly, I want to say that you did a good job with your character descriptions. From the little girl to the hooded figures and even the rabbit, you described them well. Even though we only knew the girl for the length of the prologue, I feel like I know her. And that's one of the most important things when writing a novel: good characters. You need someone for the readers to relate to.

Overall you did a good job with this. I hope you find a title soon! And please let me know when the first chapter is up :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hi!

Thanks for your review:)
The prologue is kinda long because I didn't want to leave any of my thoughts out, I wanted it to be exactly as I pictured it in my mind.
Wow! I didn't realise that my story was leading up to be some kind of Alice in wonderland haha! Yeah, it's going to have a darker overall tone, and as you can see, blood will be present, and it WILL be important.
Thank you again for the kind review:)



I was flummoxed by fractious Franny's decision to abrogate analgesics for the moribund victims of the recent conflagration. Of course, to display histrionics was discretionary, but I did so anyways, implicating a friend in my drama to make the effect cumulative. I think a misanthrope would have a prosaic appellation, perhaps one related to autonomy and the rejection of anthropocentrism. I think they wouldn't think much of the prominence of watching the coagulation of tea to prognosticate future malevolent events, not even if those events were related to jurisprudence.
— Spearmint