Descendant of the Dragon - Chapter 1

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Chapter 1

The kingdom of Tryghav covered a large portion of the area known as the Midlands of Daelora. The Daeloran wastelands covered all the lands to the south and the Southern Mountains acted as the border between Daelora and Dnimora. The lands of the blood clans spread out to the north, east and west of Tryghav.

At the borders of Tryghav, the lush forests slowly shifted into cultivated farmlands. Small villages and settlements could be found scattered around the lands, their inhabitants living simple, happy lives. Three large rivers split up the Midlands, coming in from the north, east and west lands. As you moved closer to the center of the Midlands, the villages got larger and denser while the vegetation and farmlands got fewer, until they were completely nonexistent. The villages all came together around the white walls of the city that had given the kingdom its name.

The city of Tryghav was a majestic, bustling city. It acted as a crossroads all the traders coming in from every direction and the meeting point of the three blood clans. It was the place where the Council of the Four met every month. Tryghav was the lone stone upholding the peace between Daeloras three big powers.

Surrounded by a gigantic white stone wall, the city was a safe haven for those unable to fight, those that didn’t want to live in the harsh Daelorian wilderness. The wall had gates to the city at the four points of the compass. All the entrances to the city except the southern one were built above each of the rivers, allowing the rivers to pass under them into the city, which provided them with clean water.

Within the walls, residences and shops could be found, brimming with life. The residents of the city were living their lives peacefully while the kingdom’s defense force trained in their barracks scattered around the city or watched over the city with a vigilant eye.

In the centre of the city, a huge castle rose far above the rest of the buildings. Its walls were made of white marble, and its towers rose as high as the sky. The castle was the residence of Tryghavs elected leader, Lady Keina, and it also acted as the meeting place for the Council of the Four, which consisted of the leader of each of the three blood clans, and lady Keina herself.

In the halls of the castle, the Council was having their monthly meeting. They were all sitting around a circular table, which had the map of Daelora engraved on it.

Lady Keina was a slim bodied woman of average height. Her strawberry-blond hair framed her stunning green eyes, reaching the middle of her back. She was dressed much like a noble, but she wore no dress, instead she was dressed in a silk button up shirt and green trousers that went into her brown boots. She was sitting with her head resting in her palm, looking at the person opposite of her as he talked.

Said person was Eoron, leader of the clan of sorcerers. He was a frail man of short stature; his short black hair painted with flecks of white, a sign that time was taking its toll. His thick beard swayed with the wind coming from the window as he talked. He wore a silk black shirt below a dark blue coat, with matching blue trousers covering his black boots.

“- all I’m truly asking for, is that we dispatch a united force of soldiers, backed with the powers of all the clans, along with Tryghavs own defense force, to deal with this threat. We simply cannot allow the vampires of Dnimora to go rampant in our borders anymore. It’s bad enough that they are lurking around attacking travelers, if we do not do something about this situation, soon we will be facing a possible vampire epidemic within our very lands!” he finished, inhaling slowly, before looking at his fellow council members, his faint blue eyes glowing slightly.

“I still can’t acknowledge the fact that a band of lowly blood suckers can pose this big a threat to us.” The man to his right responded. He was Garath, leader of the clan of fighters. His leadership over the fighters of Daelora showed in his chiseled, muscular body. He was tall, and his shoulders were wide and strong looking. His messy sandy hair complemented his hazel eyes and short facial hair. He wore a thick brown leather jerkin over a white shirt, and brown trousers underneath, along with matching thick leather boots. “I don’t think that we need a force that big to deal with them, I think Keina should just dispatch a portion of her defense force to go deal with those freaks” he finished. Keina and Eoron shook their heads slightly.

“On the contrary, dear friend, the vampires of Dnimora has shown us time and again that they are not to be treated lightly.” The man opposite of Garath spoke. His name was Danyl, and he was the leader of the clan of assassins and rangers. He had a lean but toned figure, and his raven black hair went down to his shoulders, framing a lean face and equally as black eyes. His attire consisted of a thin dark leather coat over a white shirt and black trousers with equally as black boots. “I am in favor of sending a united force to deal with them, and I think this should be done immediately. Each of us has a twenty-man honor guard. I believe that as leaders of our respective clans, we are more than capable of defending ourselves on the way back. If we each send fifteen people of that twenty man honor guard, and if Keina is kind enough to lend us some of her own defense force, we would have a force to be reckoned with.”

“Oh? You actually don’t want to run away and hide, Danyl? What has your sneaky little mind come up with now?” Garath replied heatedly.

“Garath!” Keina stood up abruptly. “We have been over this subject before! We all know that you and your clans don’t favor each others’ ways, that much is clear. That doesn’t mean that you can’t work together in peace, for once” she said, sitting back down.

Eoron for his part merely stared at Garath with a calm expression. He turned to Danyl, noticing that the man’s attention had shifted from Garath to him. “Danyl, do you approve of this notion?”

Danyl looked thoughtful for a moment, his raven black eyes fixed in a slight frown. “Although I am kind of hesitant towards putting members of the assassins and members of the fighters together in the same group, I do believe that a united force would be most beneficial to all of us, in this case. I approve”

“Keina, do you approve of this notion?” Eoron said, turning to Keina.

“I approve” she said curtly, nodding slightly.

“Garath, do you approve of this notion?”

Garath looked hesitant for a bit, looking at Danyl with an unreadable expression. Then he nodded his head slightly “I approve”

“Then it is settled. At the next sign of vampires our blood magic sensors detect, the united force of the three clans and Tryghav’s own defense platoon shall be dispatched immediately!”

As if on cue, a young man with red robes burst into the room. He bowed slightly in apology. “Lady Keina, honorable Lords, forgive me for this intrusion. Your attention is required immediately in the sensor chamber. There has been a spike in blood magic that has concerned Master Sensor Barnthol greatly.” He finished with another bow, before taking off in a slight run.

“Well it seems like this united force might have to be dispatched even earlier than we expected.” Eoron said, slowly rising to his feet. The others followed suit, and within moments, the meeting hall was empty.

The sensor chamber was a dim circular room deep within the dungeons of the castle. The floor of the chamber had a hexagonal star drawn on it that glowed with an eerie crimson. At the tips of the star, six elderly figures stood cloaked in crimson. They had their hands stretched in front of them, channeling their blood magic in a transparent sphere hovering above the floor of the room. On the bottom of the sphere, the current of blood magic shot straight down, getting absorbed by a metallic rod in the centre of the star.

The sensors didn’t even bother looking at them as they entered the room. They were completely focused in the task of keeping the magic current flowing. Their faces were hidden from view, but it was clear that they were all of advanced age.

Keina led the Council through the metallic door on the opposite side of the chamber, into the projection chamber. There, the Master Sensor and his two underlings stood waiting for them. Behind the three, a huge well was bubbling, filled with a faint red liquid. The Master Sensor was the most elderly person present, his snow white hair barely covering his scalp, and his long beard reached his belly. His blue eyes glowed faintly, the cores stained with red. Both his companions had their faces hidden from view, and all three were cloaked in the same crimson cloak, the only difference being the golden spiral patterns on the Master Sensor’s cloak.

“Ah, Lady Keina, Lords. I am pleased that you have immediately answered my summons.” He exclaimed, bowing slightly. The Council bowed slightly in return.

“Master Barnthol, what was so urgent that you summoned us during a council meeting?” Keina asked, her eyes fixated on the well behind Barnthol.

“Yes, if you would please proceed around the well, I can show you what we have discovered” he said, motioning for them to move to the well with his hands. They gathered around the well and stared into the depths of the oozing liquid.

Barnthol put his hands above the well, channeling his magic. The bubbling instantly died down and the liquid calmed down completely. Then a mist-like substance rose slightly from the well, forming the map of Daelora. Barnthol eased up his arms while his underlings rose theirs, keeping the magic flowing.

“As you can see, the map looks pretty normal at the moment. That means that the levels of blood magic use are following the set standards of the Alliance of the Clans. But, if you look closely here-“he moved his hand, stopping above an area in the northern region of the Daeloran Wastelands”- the area is buzzing with much more blood magic than normal”

True to his words, the liquid in the area that he mentioned was much thicker, the red was stronger, and it seemed to vibrate slightly. Eoron narrowed his eyes in thought at the sight of that.

“High blood magic use in the Wastelands is not an unusual occurrence. With all the nomads entering from Dnimora, someone is bound to practice blood magic and go beyond the normal levels. There are also a lot of places on the map where the magic goes into even higher levels, a sure sign of attacks from Dnimorian vampires, but the concerning thing about the blood magic use in this particular area is that-!”

He abruptly stopped breathing as he stared wide-eyed into an area of northern Daelora, close to the borders of Tryghav.

“By the gods, what is happening over there?!” he exclaimed in fright.

The area that he was staring at started vibrating violently, the liquid growing thicker and thicker, before a stream shot upwards toward the ceiling of the room. It slowly morphed into a figure resembling the legendary flying serpents, the blood dragons, before disappearing as quickly as it appeared. The area calmed down instantly. Barnthol stayed there wide eyed, stuttering.

“This…This cannot be…” Eoron mumbled, shaking slightly.

“I don’t know what just happened, and I don’t need an explanation for it right now, even though I’m sure you two know something” Keina yelled. “The united force will be dispatched towards that area. Immediately!” she finished, running out of the room, Garath close behind.

Eoron and Barnthol were still staring wide eyed at the map, while Danyl looked at it with interest, a growing hunger evident in his eyes…

Comments & reviews · 4
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SlushySlapped
Review

Hey Stefanos!

I'm back, with another review! It only took me like..... let's not talk about how many days. XP

Alright, so starting off with the beginning I have to agree with dragonfphoenix. The beginning did have more of a prologue feel. There's a lot of information in this. Especially with all of the north and south talk. Now, I don't usually read novels of this genre, so frankly that part didn't interest me. I found myself skimming over it. But that might not be the case with every reader. In my opinion, though, it's just a little too much information thrown at the reader. Also, something not everyone will remember. And if it's really important, bring it up when it's necessary to understand what's happening.

As you moved...


Rather than saying 'as you moved,' I think it would be better to say, 'moving.' Or something along those lines. Stick to third person!

“I approve,” she said curtly, nodding slightly.

Garath looked hesitant for a bit, looking at Danyl with an unreadable expression. Then he nodded his head slightly, “I approve.


Something common I saw was the lack of punctuation in quotes, missing appropriate commas and periods. Those two were just a couple of examples I found. Definitely go through and fix those!

Other than that I didn't find any other grammar/punctuation errors.

Again you've got a great way with description and creating imagery. Also, like I said, very informative. Which is good, but as I kept reading I felt at some points it seemed a little forced. Be careful with that!

This is a great story and like I've told you, very unique. I'm definitely interested to see where this goes! Good job, Stefanos!

Keep writing!

:D

This was so good I am going to call it supercalifragalisticexpeialadocious. I hardly ever use that in a review. The way in which you chose to describe your characters was marvelous. I enjoyed that you allowed the leader to be a girl and that you did not put her in a dress. I loved that you had clans respecting magic, melee, and ranged fighting styles. You did truly bring out the leaders tendency to argue and fight. You used a fantastically large vocabulary. I wish I had more thumbs but for now I'm giving you the two I have. Awesome story.

REVIEW SUCKAH!!!!!
I mean hi.

Okay so I didn't really find any grammar or structure things that needed to be fixed so that's great. I love all the names, they're all so original. And I like the idea of it all and the blood magic seems really cool. Obviously, since this story is so original it takes a lot of background information and setting up for the readers to understand so I'm expecting more, but what you gave us already is good. you're good at description and imagery for sure. I don't see any strong characters but we haven't seen them that much so they could emerge very uniquely the more I get to read. I did want to say that the description of the kingdom and the clan type things and all that, while very informative was slightly dry and very proper. It'd be great if that could be integrated into the story more and seem more like you're showing the reader instead of telling us. It's just a lot of information at once. Good job, of course, and as always, tell me when you post more.
Bye!!! ;)

Okay, since you have a mass of words to wade through, I'm just going to go technical on your first paragraph. "The Daeloran wastelands covered all the lands to the south and the Southern Mountains acted as the border between..." Using 'acted' twice here is fine, but it kind of threw me off when I read it. Also, you might want a comma between "and" and "the" to break up the two independent clauses for smoother reading.

Okay, second paragraph too. You introduced the second person voice ("As you move...") into the narrative. I don't recommend it, and I think it also breaks a few voice rules (although don't hold me to that). But for consistency alone, "you" should never enter the actual narrative; for dialogue, of course it's fine.

The first segment of this chapter feels like prologue. It really does (and I haven't read your actual prologue yet, either). At least the first three paragraphs feel like things you would say in a prologue, or incorporate only after introducing characters and such. It's not until after these that I actually have a name, and you don't do anything with her until after giving us a physical description of her. Not saying that's wrong, just suggesting you wait until after a bit of dialogue for some of these descriptions.

Terms advice: "Council of Four" sounds better to me than "Council of the Four". That's my opinion, not a dogmatic statement.

Overarching technical advice. You need to work on your quotation punctuation. Some end with periods, where there should be commas, and others end with no punctuation at all. A quick rereading will show you what I mean.

Now, the one plot advice I have concerns this paragraph:
"As if on cue, a young man with red robes burst into the room. He bowed slightly in apology. “Lady Keina, honorable Lords, forgive me for this intrusion. Your attention is required immediately in the sensor chamber. There has been a spike in blood magic that has concerned Master Sensor Barnthol greatly.” He finished with another bow, before taking off in a slight run."

Wow. That felt so contrived. Really, really contrived. And then with the blood dragon spike in the blood magic sensor place (that's a really long, abrasive name by the way; it jarred my reading flow), it was going from contrived to beyond forced. Maybe rework the timing of those just a little bit. Or better yet, show us some other scenes of the council and the blood magic sensors functioning under 'normal' routines before we are shown the out of the ordinary, so it feels out of the ordinary.

Hope this helps!



"would you still love me if i was a worm" yeah babe i would AND id get you your own compost bin so we could enter gardening competitions together
— Corvid