Eye for an Eye

Eye for an Eye

A monologue from A Thespian's Musings

Why? That's all they ever ask you. Once they've got you locked up, strapped down, tired out--that's when the questioning begins. "Why did you do this? Why would you think that?" It's a hideous cycle of events that ends with you screaming, crying, tearing your hair out.

It's not like I deserved it. Nobody ever deserves something like that. But when you refuse to speak, that's the only way. They didn't have a choice. You made them do it! I hate that excuse. Why did I cheat? You made me. Why did I lie? I had no choice. Yet, you did. You know you did. I know you did...don't I?

Why didn't I have a choice? Where's the justice? Why can't you just let me forget?

It happened a long time ago. Too near to forget, but too far away to heal. Have you ever been alone, doctor? I have. It was the kind of loneliness that made you rethink the monsters under your bed or the shadows in your closet. The kind of quiet that echoed around you until you knew...someone was there.

But instead of running towards the person, the companionship, you'd find yourself running away. As far and as fast as you can. Because nobody deserves that darkness looming over you, watching while you sleep. That's what it does, you know. It watches, waits until you're ready to get up. And when you are, you're never able to because suddenly there's a hand and the smell of sweat and tears...swirled together in a horrid mixture of painpainpain.

And there's nothing else. Nothing could ever compare to that feeling.

Do you know what they did to me? Even I don't know what they did to me. But I know what I did to them. I know how I did it. I know why I did it. Do you?

I was in high school when it happened. It was my first party and my first time drinking. Everyone was doing it. So I tried a beer. Then another. And then another and another. I don't remember much after that, only stumbling into my house because my parents weren't there. They never were.

And when my eyes started to close, I saw him.

Have you ever been drunk? So drunk that you couldn't remember a thing from the night before? I haven't. I remember what happened. Every little detail from his rough hands to his warm breath. I remember another set of eyes, peering at me as I was attacked.

Let me tell you something, doctor. Women are not as strong as men. If you're being held down, you're never getting back up.

It seemed like hours before they finished with me. It probably was. Hours of tearing and hurting and crying and scratching and when you're finally too tired to fight anymore, they keep going. And they don't stop until you're ready to die.

When you're in that position, so many things will run through your head. Why did they do it? Why couldn't I stop them? How will I end this?

And the last question will float around and around until you're ready to explode. But you don't do it because you have to make sure they're dead before you're gone.

When they came back the second night, it was torture, all over again. Same with the third and the fourth. And they just kept coming. Until one day...one day, I got a gun.

As soon as they stepped foot into my room, I shot them. Killed them before they could hurt me again. Once, twice, then a few more times. I didn't stop until I ran out of bullets. Then I buried them in my backyard. It was my little secret. My parents never asked me about the fresh dirt in the yard. They never wondered about what happened while they were gone.

If they had asked, though, I doubt I would've told them.

I was only fifteen. What was I supposed to do? So I didn't do anything and it went away. But the nightmares didn't. Every night, they were back in my room, on my bed...

But those were just dreams. I knew that. I saw their dead eyes staring back at me as I dragged them downstairs. I knew they wouldn't come back. But dreams aren't what they used to be. They are nothing like the real thing.

You ask me why. Why did I let them hurt me? I didn't I tell someone sooner? Why did I kill them? It's real simple, doctor. Why did I kill them?

Because they killed me first.