concrete behemoths around me
frozen in an eternal winter
break apart
the sighs of the sea
summer is miles and miles away
yet all I have for wind are sighs.
sterile air-conditioning's slow cold,
constricting like a python around
my half-dreams
harkens them back to where the winds
had the power to break a man
dry knives under a moonless sky
stab me in the eyes,
their watering makes unseen stars twinkle.
the tears are not entirely in pain
mountain lakes are beautiful~
(ends to fitful dreams.)
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Not a review, but just wanted to say this was an interesting read! To me it seems to be a lament about modernity and rapid urbanisation. Some favourite lines:
I like the comparison between "wind" and "sighs" here and how it is echoed later in the poem -- a sigh is much less powerful than wind, which suggests a kind of deterioration created over time.
The development from 'I wish it were summer' to 'I wish the wind were strong enough to break people' is a big one, and it makes the piece so interesting! It seems to link together the more sentimental side of wanting to move outside of the buildings towards nature, to the more intense mourning of an era lost.
Thanks for the thoughts!
Hey there Starve! The title of this poem really intrigued me so I thought I'd take a closer look and give a review.
I actually wasn't confident on the exact definition of "numbskullery" -- just the overall vibe of the word -- so I conferred with Google and what I got was "The behaviour of a numbskull; foolishness; stupidity." When I read the poem with that context, I interpret it as the narrator kind of lamenting (although that feels like slightly too strong a word) how they keep clinging to foolish, "fitful" dreams. These dreams seem to be unattainable -- "summer is miles and miles away", and the narrator is "frozen" -- and also harmful in that they are "constricting" and stab the narrator in the eyes. And yet, like a fool (or should I say, a numbskull), the narrator keeps chasing them, excusing this behaviour by saying their tears are not entirely a result of pain.
Also the fact that "numb" is part of the title ties in really nicely with the frozen, winter, air-conditioning and cold imagery that you use throughout the poem. You have some really striking one-liner gems, like "dry knives under a moonless sky / stab me in the eyes" is such an intense image and I love it to bits. Also the comparison between wind and sighs is super interesting and unique.
My main critique, though, is that I have a hard time seeing how some of the images/idea connect, which I think is a result of the poem being highly abstract. Not that abstract is at all a bad thing, and super abstract poetry can definitely be a personal preference -- but I feel that in this poem the abstractness starts to prevent the message from coming across super clearly/coherently. For example, how do concrete behemoths tie into the rest of the poem? What do they represent? Is the narrator physically in any one place (outdoors in the winter, inside with air conditioning, in front of a mountain lake)? If not, what do these various locations have to do with one another? Does the wind represent dreams/consciousness, or something else entirely?
Obviously a poem isn't at all obligated to tie up every single loose end for the reader, but I guess what I'm saying is I'd prefer if there were a couple less in this case.
Other than that I don't have much to say. I really enjoy how concise and vivid the language in the poem is -- you don't use any more words than you have to, but the words you choose are highly effective -- and it's definitely kind of poem I could read many times and keep finding new meaning. I hope this review proves useful for you, and if there's anything you want me to elaborate on, or something I didn't cover that you'd like additional feedback on, just let me know!
Best,
Seirre
Hey thanks a lot Seirre!
All valid criticism, i am quite rusty. The misspelling of numbscullery is deliberate, the scullery bit was meant to signify how the person's only current personal space is their apartment/kitchen and concrete behemoths are the large buildings of whichever big city they'rein, but I forgot to elaborate on that and it is quite a reach currently haha
It seems as though this starts as a deathly poem and ends as a dreamy one.Were the lower case letters intentional? What was the theme of this poem? Is there a specific theme? I see it as dreams.Different dreams melded together as words.It’s cool.I like it.The name brings whimsical fun to it too.I hope that you will have a lovely and amazing day and night.Goodbye for now.
Hey thanks man.