Eyes

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Her world was pitch black. It always was. She was blind. Her eyes had been damaged by the car accident her stupid father had gotten into when she was five years old. She could still remember the piercing agony she felt as sharp fragments of glass flew onto her eyelids, slicing through flesh and lacerating her eyes. Blood was everywhere. She remained in the hospital for months, getting artificial eyes to replace her useless ones. But she didn’t want them. She didn’t want to have conversations with someone, and them having to find out that her eyes were fake. She’d rather just put it out there. So, her world remained black. And her life would remain bleak and dull, for no one wanted a girl with mutilated eyes. Or so she thought.

He told her her eyes were beautiful the way they were. Not her physical, fake eyes she hated. The eyes of her soul. He thought they were as beautiful as a pond, reflecting the silver moonlight. They were her. Even though she had never seen anyone with eyes like hers before, she was negatively biased against those people. She hated how they were still happy when they couldn’t see the world. Like their missing eyes never bothered them. She was envious. And she hated herself. But not nearly as much as before she met him.

He gave her flowers every week. Ten of them. But one of them would always be fake. But she wasn’t angry. Sure, she was confused the first time, but now, she knew. He would say after she accepted them, “I love you until the last flower dies.”

Your eyes are like windows to your soul, windows in which I can look through and see my beautiful girl, he said once. He didn't mean the eyes that she didn't own. He meant something else. But there was one day that lit her future in a bright wash of light.

“Will you marry me?” he said.

“Yes. But under one condition. Once I get real eyes, we will. I want to be able to see everything. The black suit you will be wearing, the dress you will be choosing for me.” she replied with a smile. He slipped the engagement ring onto her finger. The sky turned to a pomegranate pink as the dying limbs of light grasped at the clouds. They both stared at the band around her finger, watching the gold sparkle as the rosy hue of the setting sun struck the ring. Stars began to quiver, winking, singing a haunting melody of promise.

Two weeks after the proposal, the hospital contacted her. Someone had donated a pair of eyes. She was in his house giving his dog a bath. A ringing sound filled the house and she picked up the phone. Then she quickly sent it down and arranged for a ride.

The procedure was over in a few hours. When she first opened her eyes, all she say was a haze of misty white. Then she saw. For the first time in 18 years, color seemed to explode in front of her. The blue of the tiles were light, striking but calming. The piece of white cloth that the surgeons draped over her bore the hue of a pasty alabaster. The door opened. For the first time, she saw him. Then her eyes, flitted to his and met nothing. Dark, empty holes resided in the area where his eyes should have been. Disappointment crashed and crushed her, waves of heavy anger washed over her.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi.” A pause. “Your eyes.”

“Yes. But now that you have yours, we can get married!”

“I...I can’t. You have no eyes...I’m sorry I can’t.”

The life drain out of his face. Then they returned, but there was something missing. He smiled sadly and replied, “That all right. Remember I love you. Just take care of yourself. And my eyes.”

The door closed behind him and all was silent.

I'd off some critiques, but it seems everyone else has already beaten me to it so I'll just cut to the chase. At first, I felt incredibly sorry for the girl and had a feeling her fiancé would sacrifice his eyes for her. That just shows how crazy love is and tends to make people. I also can't help but see this as a cautionary tale to be careful about how much you give to your love interest because they might just be playing you. In this case, though, I think she ended their engagement because she could not endure the pain and guilt of looking at him everyday for the rest of her life and feeling blame for what he did for her. That does not make it right of course, but it's still sad.

Well, this was amazing.

Your characters were very believable and your vocabulary was great. There needed to be more information about the accident...in my opinion. I love the story behind this but I happen to know it is a fancier version of a story on the internet. I have read it many times on pinterest. Now if you wrote it and put it elsewhere other than here then I apologize but at the moment I am viewing this as a fancier version of a story already out there. But anyway, let’s concentrate on how well this was actually written.

I think that the way you have shown their different personalities towards the end is amazing, I mean, who doesn't like cliff-hanger?

His love for her seems unaltered throughout everything. He loves her no matter what and gives her flowers everyday. This is a cute gesture and I think it adds to the story.

When he proposes, what was it like? I was left wanting more at that time. How did he propose? Where did he propose? When did he propose? These are all details that were missed out in that paragraph.

That ending though! Makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Obviously she never loved him? She forgot all he had done for her, including giving up his eyes and left him, blind and loveless. She should hate herself!

This was a good piece of writing although it may have been taking off the internet. You are a good writer and have talent. Good luck with your writing in the future.

As soon as I finished reading this, I didn’t know whether to scream, cry, or laugh. But somehow, as I pondered on the story, it was a revelation to me of how much we can sacrifice for people we love only for them to leave us in the end.

I guess that was the most important lesson I garnered from your story. It’s amazing how caught up we can be with the physical and disregard what’s in a person’s heart. We only see what we want to see.

From what I read, I perceived your main character as someone who was so wrapped up in her own pity. She couldn’t see what was in front of her – what was waiting of her. Now, the guy main character was someone you could easily fall in love with. Where in the world can we find a guy like that? Kidding.

Jokes aside, I believe that this is a wonderful piece. I just have a few suggestions on how you can improve it.

1. “… Blood was everywhere. She remained in the hospital for months, getting artificial eyes to replace her useless ones…” -- This is from the first paragraph. I believe you can cut the first paragraph into two after the line “Blood was everywhere.” so it can give the story more pacing instead of just rushing all information in one go.

2. “So her world remained black.” – This one is quite simple, I think you’re just missing a comma.

3. “Even though she never seen anyone with eyes like her before, she held a negative bias towards those people.” – Sentence construction of this one can be improved. I had to read this twice when I first read it since I was a bit confused on what you meant. If I’m not mistaken, you can do it in this way: “Even though she had never seen anyone with eyes like hers before, she was negatively biased against those people.”

4. “Your eyes are like windows to your soul, windows in which I can look through and see my beautiful girl, he said once.” – To avoid confusion, I suggest you italicise the first part of the sentence just to give it distinction.

5. ““…The black suit you will be wearing, the dress you will be choosing for me.” she replied with a smile. He slipped the engagement ring onto her finger.” – Since this line was preceded by a dialogue, I think it would be better if you made this into a new paragraph.

Those are just the things I believe could be improved. I hope you aren’t offended.

Anyway, good job with the piece. Keep writing!

He told her her eyes were beautiful the way they were. Not her physical, fake eyes she hated. The eyes of her soul.

She was envious. And she hated herself. But not nearly as much as before she met him.

Well


damn

plot twists

<_<