12+ Violence

Chapter One

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A screech filled the midnight sky. Another attack. Another dead body to be dragged away by the monster. It was only on these nights that I was thankful for the endless fog that blanketed everything. I wouldn't have to witness anyone being torn limb from limb. But then again, I couldn't see if the monster was coming towards me. I doubted it though. The center of the village was safest, and thankfully that's where I lived. But it couldn't stop the shrieks. It couldn't protect me from the fear that was harbored in all of our souls. A cold sensation poured over me. I cowered underneath my wool blanket, wondering who had been taken this time.

Eventually, though I don't know how, drowsiness overcame the fear of the moment, and I slept.

“Lilith. Time for the ceremony.”

I groaned, not wanting to escape from my cocoon of warmth, but it isn’t like I had a choice. The ceremonies required everyone to be there, or else.

“Lilith! Do you want to be late?”

I sighed, “No Mom. I’m coming down.”

The blanket slid off my shoulders as I left the bed. As quickly as I could, I dressed in my fanciest clothes. My chocolate brown hair was quickly braided. I left the room, my hand tracing the intricate forest carvings on our walls as I walked towards the door. My brother, Kadon, snuck behind me

“Boo!”

I rolled my eyes, “You think you’re gonna scare me with a boo? Really?”

He shrugged, “Why not?”

“Because I’m not that much of a scaredy cat.”

“Uh huh. Sure little sis.”

“Stop teasing!”

Kadon grinned, “Come on then! Do you want to be late?.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the door, and my protests didn’t do much good.

“Race you there.”

With that, he was off.

“No fair!” I yelled back, trying to close the gap between us.

Doing so was a bit difficult, because of the fog. It never lifted. No one was able to see much farther than a couple yards ahead of them. I was a bit used to it though. Of course it was aggravating to bump into people, trip over baskets and slip on the streets, but we managed. Besides, I was as fast as Kadon was strong. I laughed when I sprinted past my brother, who was lying on the ground after bumping into someone. He scowled at me. I looked away laughing.

My feet quickly skidded to a stop. There was blood everywhere. On the streets and coating the walls. Bile piled into my mouth, and I pushed away the urge to throw up. My smile was long gone.

“Kadon. What happened?”

His eyes shifted from the scene towards my teary-eyed face.

“You know what happened.”

Right. The monster.

The priest chose that moment to show up.

"Come, what are you staring at children?”

The only indication that he had seen the grotesque scene was his pale, shocked face. He quickly composed himself.

“You must be on time for the ceremony. This way now."

My brother and I stared at each other in shock. Did he not care? Or was it some kind of rule that he couldn’t address the blood? Either way, we obeyed the priest. My brother motioned towards a different pathway, free of any crimson stains. We were just able to find our parents before the priest began.

"We are here today to announce the sad news of a death. Come forward Laurier family."

A few reluctant children and two commanding adults marched forward. One of the girls in the family looked familiar. Those golden curls reminded me of someone. Maybe I was jus-

I gasped, "Kenzie! That's Kenzie's family."

The poor girl. We had both traded crafts a few weeks ago. She sewed me a blanket, and I carved her siblings some toys. Kenzie was a really sweet girl. I hadn't even bothered to ask for her last name. Kenzie caught my stare, and gave the slightest nod. Tears spilled out of my eyes. One of her siblings was dead. A victim of the monster. What terrors must they have experienced? I was horrified by the screams, not knowing who it was. I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like if it was my brother. All I wanted to do was give Kenzie a hug. The priest's drone interrupted my thoughts.

"They will be taken to the inner circle for recuperation for a week. We shall see if they broke any of the laws, therefore bringing on this judgement."

The shamed faces of the Laurier's pierced my heart. They couldn’t have anything to do with their daughter's death, could they?

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
MapleWay
Review

Hey! Maple Way here, with a review!

This was a great beginning! Here are some grammatical errors and things I liked!



Gramatical Errors



“Because I’m not that much of a scaredy cat.”


It should be "scaredy-cat", not "scardey cat."


“Uh huh. Sure little sis.”


It should be "Uh-huh", not "Uh huh."


"They will be taken to the inner circle for recuperation for a week. We shall see if they broke any of the laws, therefore bringing on this judgement."


It should be "judgment", not "judgement."



Things I Liked



A screech filled the midnight sky. Another attack. Another dead body to be dragged away by the monster. It was only on these nights that I was thankful for the endless fog that blanketed everything. I wouldn't have to witness anyone being torn limb from limb. But then again, I couldn't see if the monster was coming towards me.


A great start! It does a good job setting the stage for the story while still sending chills down your spine. (Which it definitely did to me.)


I groaned, not wanting to escape from my cocoon of warmth, but it isn’t like I had a choice. The ceremonies required everyone to be there, or else.


I liked the whole "cocoon of warmth" idea. It gave me a giggle while reading it! This quote also states the point that everyone must attend.


My brother and I stared at each other in shock. Did he not care? Or was it some kind of rule that he couldn’t address the blood?


This quote hints at the fact that the priest might have something to do with it and makes the reader's trust lower.


The shamed faces of the Laurier's pierced my heart. They couldn’t have anything to do with their daughter's death, could they?


Amazing end to the story! It leaves the reader wanting more and once again sends a chill down their spine! I hope you decide to continue the story!

Thank you very much for the review! I'm glad you liked my story. And yes, I will be continuing it, I just write a bit slower than most people seem to on this site XD

Awesome! I can't wait to read it!

User avatar
rida
Comment

I’m eager for the second chapter! :D

User avatar
LUNARGIRL
Review

Hello, LUNARGIRL here with a review!
Let's get straight to it.

A screech filled the midnight sky. Another attack. Another dead body to be dragged away by the monster. It was only on these nights that I was thankful for the endless fog that blanketed everything. I wouldn't have to witness anyone being torn limb from limb. But then again, I couldn't see if the monster was coming towards me. I doubted it though. The center of the village was safest, and thankfully that's where I lived. But it couldn't stop the shrieks. It couldn't protect me from the fear that was harbored in all of our souls. A cold sensation poured over me. I cowered underneath my wool blanket, wondering who had been taken this time.


Very interesting start to your story, sounds pretty dark too. Towards the middle of the paragraph it says.
But then again, I couldn't see if the monster was coming towards me. I doubted it though.
I was a little confused when I read this sentence, because to me it sounded like the monster was invisible, and I still don't fully understand what she meant by this.

The blanket slid off my shoulders as I left the bed. As quickly as I could, I dressed in my fanciest clothes. My chocolate brown hair was quickly braided. I left the room, my hand tracing the intricate forest carvings on our walls as I walked towards the door. My brother, Kadon, snuck behind me


A little more description would be nice in this paragraph. For example, what did the clothes she put on look like. Also, did she braid her hair or did someone else do it for her because you say, "My hair."

Doing so was a bit difficult, because of the fog. It never lifted. No one was able to see much farther than a couple yards ahead of them. I was a bit used to it though. Of course it was aggravating to bump into people, trip over baskets and slip on the streets, but we managed. Besides, I was as fast as Kadon was strong. I laughed when I sprinted past my brother, who was lying on the ground after bumping into someone. He scowled at me. I looked away laughing.


Nice job, I would have thought that Kadon was a scrawny child.

My brother and I stared at each other in shock. Did he not care? Or was it some kind of rule that he couldn’t address the blood? Either way, we obeyed the priest. My brother motioned towards a different pathway, free of any crimson stains. We were just able to find our parents before the priest began.


Great job on this paragraph!

The poor girl. We had both traded crafts a few weeks ago. She sewed me a blanket, and I carved her siblings some toys. Kenzie was a really sweet girl. I hadn't even bothered to ask for her last name. Kenzie caught my stare, and gave the slightest nod. Tears spilled out of my eyes. One of her siblings was dead. A victim of the monster. What terrors must they have experienced? I was horrified by the screams, not knowing who it was. I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like if it was my brother. All I wanted to do was give Kenzie a hug. The priest's drone interrupted my thoughts.


I really liked the little back story you shared about how they both knew each other.

Overall, it was a pretty dark chapter so far. I am a little confused about how the monster is able to kill the people in the village so easily. Wouldn't they be start enough to not go outside at night or why don't they just move away. Great job on the story, can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL

Thanks a lot for the suggestions! I'll have to fix some of that. What I was trying to say was that she couldn't see the monster because of the fog. I need to fix that. Thanks again!

User avatar
ChesTacos
Review

Well that was dark. It was good though. I'm a little confused by this. What happens if someone doesn't show up to the ceremony? Why does the monster take people away? Why are the Laurier's being blamed for the girl's death? But anyways it was a great read!

“Uh huh. Sure little sis.”


Imagine actually saying little sis lol. You'd have to be too sweet or wholesome to do that. My brother refers to me as monkey or baboon or bonobo among other things. Anyways I won't judge. maybe he's just a really nice brother. Great work! I look forward to the future chapters. Tag me in them or else.

XDDD I'll be sure to tag you in the next one. And yeah, I just made Kadon from how my brother acts. I have a nice brother! LOL

I still haven't decided what to name my novel, any ideas would be appreciated.

Maybe something like, "The fog" or "The Behemoth."



A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson