If you were given a chance that is unheard of would you take it? What if it was to travel back in time to save yourself from making the mistake that has now scarred you for life. I've grabbed that gift with both hands and braced myself for the worst. The mistake I've made is a curse, and it was set onto me by my Serpent. I have exactly eight hours to prevent the most regretful decision I’ve currently made in my life. I begged and prayed to have another chance to make things right. It took quite some time to do so, but I know I’m ready. It’s not always a bad thing to be on the outside looking in. I had to think deeper about how far I desired to travel back. I’m going into the heart of the beast that stole most of my innocent views on intimacy…
I answer to Jaylynne. In my time it’s the 18th of September. It has been eight days since I’ve returned to school for my senior year. It’s the 16th of April in this time. I won’t be in the building for at least another fifteen or twenty minutes…
You’re most likely wondering what I look like by now aren’t you? Well, I’ll try to give you the best description I can. I’m in dark clothing right now and I have dark heavy makeup on my face.
When you’ve been given this rare kind of chance in life, it requires you to be able to do anything but die just so you can succeed in making a life right. I’m unrecognizable to everyone, and I wanted to accomplish that. My golden streaked blonde hair is clipped up in a small pony, because it’s too easy to identify. I haven’t worn my hair up in this style yet, because that happened a week later from this moment…
I’m sitting on the floor near a group of girls who are bitching at each other. My hood is up with headphones and I’m pretending to listen to music, so I fit right in.
I’ve planned just about every moment out. I brought my gold card with me from my time. Why do I need my ID you ask? It’s a magical card that allows seniors like me to roam the halls whenever they have empty periods, without being bitched at by security. Actually, I don’t have any classes so I’m not breaking any rules. The benefits I have with this is that right now, I’m not well known to security. Not yet at least, but they don’t pay much attention in general...
This isn’t a simple task, and in truth I’d be far more intimidated than I am now if it was. This is my own mind I’m talking about messing with. I’ll have to remember every detail from the moment I see myself walk through those doors on. You never forget the day your life began to spiral down to hell…
I can sense a presence I’ve learned to bare with clenched teeth. With my hood still covering my eyes and face, I carefully lift my head making sure I still have the ability to see. I know where he is, but I still need to check…
As expected, sitting across from me on the other side of the vestibule is the young man who turned into the Serpent of my life. I know why he is sitting there. He is waiting for me to arrive. I watch him and the doors, but hold my iPod touch in front of me to give the illusion that I’m focused on that instead...
It’s now 7:16 am. The door furthest from me, yet closest to him opens and sure enough there I am with my black T-shirt with the gold stars and jeans. I smile as a memory resurfaces. The last time I wore that shirt it was when I last saw one of my closest friends out of state. I can’t let my emotions distract me, so I just push them away like I always do…
My smile is wide and surprised, because I remember how delighted I was to see him there waiting for me and how thoughtful I considered he was. I watch myself allow him to hug me so tightly and closely, while I do the same that I briefly lift him off the floor. I still don’t know where that sudden burst of physical strength came from. The scene makes me nauseous, but I have a steady stomach…
I catch sight of my Serpent’s best friend who is still sitting on the bench, waiting for the little reunion to end. For the first time I feel for him. My eyes flit back over to myself, and the embrace has ended. Right on cue he gets up and puts on his bag. The three of them walk through the second set of doors further into the school leaving the vestibule. I watch their every move, because I need a decent amount of distance. I see myself saying hello to my friends for a minute. They’re on the move again and heading straight down the main hall. A flashback is triggered in my mind. I had walked around with them this morning just before the final bell rung for first period...
I rise to my feet. I didn’t bring a bag unfortunately, because I’d have the same as myself. I’m the only one who has the particular maroon bag in the school. I have yet to come across another who has an identical one. I will have some hardship blending in with the other students. Thankfully I don’t show up on the security camera. Time for this shadow to go to work…
I casually walk by students through the chaotic hallway the trio had traveled down. I’m drawing unwanted attention with my hood still up. I have no other option but to detach it from my head. For once I’m thankful for the makeup I’m wearing. I’m cautiously studying every person. I’m coming up on a hallway intersection. There are three directions I can venture down, but I know which one is correct. From a far, I spot the two misfits and the innocent young woman who had once been me...
They’re past the library and just about to make a right turn down the art hall and circle back around to the gym area. I decide to take a right down the corridor next to me, Junior hall. I walk briskly past everyone toward the end of the hall. I slow down a bit because I have some time until I catch them. I need to save every moment of time I have to alter my future…
I pull out my phone and look at the time, 7:20am. Ten minutes left till I'm on my own. I lean up against the inside of a doorway. Will I be able to pull this off? I need to. I’m destined to do this. What more of a sign do I need? Nothing. I just don’t understand why it all went wrong. I know given the current situation I’m not where I’m ‘supposed’ to be. But I have a second chance to fight for my freedom. I must get me back before I get rid of myself. They can’t take me because I’ve been and always will be a free spirit…
I see myself, followed closely by my serpent and his friend. They’re in my view for a moment and gone. I know exactly where they’re off to. It’s back to the front of the school by passing through the cafes and heading down the Mathematics hall. The snake leaves the school for a few hours because of a class outside of the area. I have until the time he returns to save myself. I count to seven and depart from my post to track them again…
I follow them to a point where I can watch me detach herself from the two for my class Trig and Functions. The warning bell sounds off. I study the serpent who is about to become my lover two days from now.
I have an hour to rest and plan for my next move before I have to begin tailing myself…
I check my phone again, and it says 8:20. Ten minutes left of first period, and then off to follow myself to Study Hall. I’m beginning to miss my senior schedule. As for where I am, I’m keeping a low profile in the west café. I’m in the corner where no one can see me, but I can see them through the side entrance. I have my gold card around my neck just in case security chooses to investigate. It’s a legit card, but there is a slight chance where my person may walk down the hall while I’m being questioned…
I have my hood back up again, and I’m willing to take the risk of appearing suspicious. Before I came here, I was told that if the me from this time received an injury I would experience it but I won’t be affected too much. As for vice versa, they don’t know of the outcome, but there’s no need…
There is nothing but silence. Janitors aren’t cleaning just yet because it’s only about to be second block. Lunch begins at fourth period. Something is putting me more on edge than I already am.
I can sense there is someone nearby. As for the sex of the person I’m unsure. I can feel some negativity. My mood is being corrupted as well as my focus. I remain quiet and try to calm my rising panic from the overwhelming emotion. I’m not helping myself much by my racing heart. My mood mustn’t be too high in one emotion. I need to stay content so this person can’t pick up my presence…
I steady my breaths and focus on the side entryway of the west café. I have two chances to see this person from both entrances. It’s soundless to the point where you can here a fly. They’re coming from the hall next to the west café, the one I’m in…
I wait with patience, and there they are. I almost release a gasp but I yank it further back into my system. I banish a reaction. This figure is dressed in the same style as I am. They’re taller and their sweatshirt is black and white with a design all around. The hood is up. On the bottom are denim jeans, and that is when I see the sneakers. The red, white and black strike at me just as a snake would toward their prey…
They’re out of my sight and I instinctively understand I can’t allow that. This person is heading toward the younger version of myself for only one reason. I know who this is, and they’re working against me…
I’m on my feet instantly. I need to lure them away from her or I might as well give up entirely. I look up at the clock and see it’s 8:28 a minute from the bell. The decision I’ve just made to save myself can end in five ways. I could chase this person down, and vice versa, we go head to head or one of us flees and the other stands their ground. While knowing of the consequences, I follow them while making sure to have some space between us…
I’m on full guard now. I slowly turn into the beginning of the senior hallway. This person is approaching my class which is in room seven…
“Leave her alone…” I warn sharply. My serpent stops short, and swivels its whole body to me. I see the skin and it’s the shade I remember...
“I hear that you’ve been missing me. You need to go in for the kill first before you can reach her…” I finish. The figure says nothing. The bell pings, and they take off even further down the hall, passing my class. I keep my hood on as the rooms pour out with students. I eye the door where I’m supposed to leave, and I finally do. As I follow myself again I keep my eyes open. I’m not alone...
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Hi there, my name is Tsukarin. It is nice to meet you.
There are a few things you have to look out for.
1) Your first paragraph is a little... tame? It is a mysterious opening, I can tell. But if you were to try giving it a rhythm. Like "If you were given a chance that is unheard of(,) would you take it?
Now this line, "What if it was to travel back in time to save yourself from making the mistake that has now scarred you for life." This is a question so it should be a (?) instead. Though I don't really think you need to pay extra careful attention to your punctuation at the moment if you are simply writing for the idea and the plot.
2) In this sentence, you used both "is" and "was". Was is used for a past event that had already happened. If you do not wish to correct the "is" and "was" time differences, you can correct it in this way (This is the way I would have written it) "The mistake I've made (was) a curse, and set onto me by my Serpent."
3) The time period in this piece keeps shifting in a way... that has left me puzzled. Things like "I have exactly eight hours to prevent the most regretful decision I’ve currently made in my life." The eight hours before the regretful decision you have made already come to past, so it should not be "have" but rather should be a "had"
4) "When you’ve been given this rare kind of chance in life, it requires you to be able to do anything but die just so you can succeed in making a life right." It is a little confusing here. Maybe you can clean the sentence up to be "When given this rare chance in life, the ability to do anything other than death will lead to success in correcting a life" Or something along those lines because that sentence is vague and requires you to add details to it or you will leave the reader lost.
Overall the story is interesting, you might want to keep it in either "past" or the "present" so to prevent the constant shift in tenses. Some parts of the story is vague and requires some details, but I am sure you will find them. If you don't, feel free to ask. Oh and what I suggested, you can just make use of what you think will help in your story. Keep up writing.
Tsu.