She reminded me of nature's indifference
Blowing in the wind
Her body carved into the sky
Like twisting trails
Directional changes based on the weather's moods:
Calm breezes make her nervous
Strong winds blow and she's in love again
Never in one place for too long
She feels at home in the throes of freedom
And I was left
To admire her from afar
While she was all around me
She told me she was Mother Nature's daughter
And the billowing clouds,
Her altar...
She prayed in secret whispers
For the eternal life of my
Devotion to her
Though she'd never admit to it
I felt what she couldn't see
Drawn to her like the flirtatious wind
Kissing at my skin
But meaning nothing except for
Polite and clever conversation
Because of this
I told her she didn't love me
Just the idea of me
The way the sun bounces off my eyes
The way my lips move to the beat of
The waving grass...
I heard the broken colors in her voice
When someone says something without saying anything
Her juniper fingertips consoling my ego
How she could love even the tiniest flower
But not me...
And I retreated into feeling
That I was smaller than nature...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello there
Well, I actually loved this piece. I felt the emotion just fine. The meaning or your expression is deep and this is good if you want to convince a reader. At first though, I was a bit reluctant to read through because of the lack of stanzas and just one gigantic paragraph, so I took it as a poetic gesture and decided to read instead. But that does not matter now. Good job and keep writing. I sure would like to see more stuff like this from you.
Ziggie
Thanks for the kind words as well as the criticism, it's definitely appreciated. A lot of my work, like I responded to the last post, is rooted in freeverse, and I'm assuming, having been on here all but 24 hours, that a lot of the posts on here have structure to them. I suppose the challenge now is to see how far out of my comfort zone I can go to put my poetry into parameters.
P.S. If you could give me examples of where it didn't flow right for you, I'd definitely dig it. Thanks again.
Thanks for the input. I'm used to freeverse and this was an assignment where I had to have it somewhat structured...so it was a bit uncomfortable for me. A lot of my poetry doesn't really fit traditional syllabic flow, they read more like rhythmic narratives in my view. But it was interesting to be taken out my comfort zone for once and trying to write within a structure, so I definitely see where you're coming from.
Hi! I'm here to review.
If I'm being honest, this poem needs some work. It's very rant-y and drawn-out at parts, and I get no sense of flow as I'm reading it. A few things I would suggest in order to fix this:
1: Format. You need to separate this into parts, or stanzas. Doing this will make your poem more concise and clean-cut, which is a surefire way to all-around improvement. I myself would format it like this (this is with leaving the actual words in your poem unchanged):
Now, this isn't necessarily good, but it's better, by far. This way of formatting is what I like to call backwards formatting. What that means is you write a poem, ignoring the flow and just writing, and then you try and separate the lines into stanzas afterward. This almost never works in your favor. What you need to do is come up with a format (example, four lines per stanza, 6, 6, 7, 6 syllable beat) and then write a poem based off of that format. This gives you boundaries to stick to, and that almost always brings out the best in any writer. Now, before you figure out the format, you need an opening line. Just think of a great opening line that will pull your reader in, find out how many syllables are in that line and then follow the beat. For example, if the first line had 5 syllables, the next line would sound best with five, the one after that with six, and then the last with five again. This is just a suggestion, but I fine it works the best when you're trying to write free verse poetry.
And as for this poem specifically, you should try rewriting it with these things in mind, and you'll definitely get a better final draft!
Hope I could help.
-Knightley
I liked this piece of work it has a few bumps but altogether a fine job and clearly is related to your feelings towards a girl. Which is nice to see that your writing from the heart (I know that sounds a bit too cliche but its true). As for a review not to sure if your writing style is different but the poem seemed a bit choppy don't get me wrong it was good but at times it didn't feel like it flowed the way it should have. Besides that I don't see any more problems.
Once again good job man and I hope to see more work from you.
Keep it up!