Young Writers Society

Wow! This was so descriptive that it gave me the creeps(I don't really like bugs xD)! I've always found rhyming poems slightly difficult but you did a great job! Keep at it!

Hello again! This is Sumer here and I am actually not leaving a review, just a simple comment.

I would like to say I believe this is so so much better. It's great even. The flow is smooth and I can definitely see the improvement! Also, thank you for taking my review into consideration enough to switch up a few things on your work. I hope to see more and more of your work ( even if it is about bugs) here, and soon.

-Sumer

Hello! Sumer here to pop in and give you a quick review.

Alright, I'd like to start off by saying I think this is a sweet little poem. I love when poems are short and sweet! Now I did see three issues that seemed to catch my eye.

One being stanzas, it's a simple little thing but you need to always make sure your stanzas make sense and are in good order.
Example:
'A dream of lying in bed —
and what lies ahead.

Nectar sits in the drum,

pomegranate juice and plum,
flowing out cracks.
The bugs it attracts'
See I think it would be better if you organized it differently and it might even help the flow of things.
Example:
'A dream of lying in bed
and what lies ahead.

Nectar sits in the drum,
pomegranate juice and plum,
flowing out cracks.
The bugs it attracts
are all I seem
to see in my dream.'
Then you could go back to a simple two line A-A pattern and continue that way throughout your poem.

The second thing that caught my eye would be repetition. In lines 9 and 10 you use 'two' and 'too', they of course are two different words w/ two different meanings but they still sound the same and this can be a form of repetition.

Now the last thing I'd like to make a comment on would be patterns, your patterns seem to all over the place, w/ your stanzas being confusing and all. See you seem to have an A-A-B-B-C-C pattern but then your stanzas make that very confusing and in the 7th line you could make that two lines to complete the pattern and turn the whole thing into an A-A-B-B pattern. Then after line 7 you decide to switch it up and go w/ the A-B-A pattern instead and I honestly believe thus gives a poem character so I wouldn't change that just simply make it noticeable you're changing the flow of things. And after that stanza it all becomes very confusing, it seems like you tried to rhyme but then decided not to. Maybe revise it then it would make more sense.

Other than that I do think the story is great and I think I wouldn't be very happy having dreams about bugs. As always continue to write great poems that tell an even better story!

-Sumer

Hey there SpiritSails,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

Normally this doesn't happen, but I actually really enjoyed this piece so I don't really have anything to review in depth about. But, I would like to point out a few things:

I get up to chase, a waste of haste, ]
as the bugs skitter down — across the floor,
beyond my closet door,
into a tiny crack in the wall.

They escape so quickly in their crawl,
hardened shells, eighty legs,
and all.

as the bugs skitter down — across the floor,
beyond my closet door,
into a tiny crack in the wall.